A
male
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anonymous
writes:My family has been torn apart and things get worse every day. I married a beautiful girl in 1998 and we had a daughter in 1999. We now have 3 children. Around this time, my sister (K) met her boyfriend (M). When they would argue, he would say things to her, eg, he fancies my wife and she fancies him. This went on for years and he would seem to always say things to her to upset her and make her hate my wife and always be paranoid about them. Me or my wife knew nothing about this. K and him seemed close to us and he was like my best friend.Time passed and then one day, he and K had been arguing because she cheated on him and he said that all her family were the same and even I had cheated on my wife. This was not true. My sister eventually told my wife that I had cheated and we had constant arguments about it since. This was around 7 years ago.A few years back, my wife and some of my family and friends went to Newcastle for my other sisters friends birthday party, my sister K was always flirty when they went out and started kissing a dancer when they were there. K told everybody, "what happens in Newcastle stays in Newcastle"A few weeks after they were all back, K and M had another argument where K told M that my wife had cheated and said "what happens in Newcastle stays in Newcastle"M came to our house and asked my wife if she had said that. My wife denied it.Anyway, time passed and K and my wife would still just talk and try to remain friends for the sake of the family.Me and my wife went through a bad time for a while and we argued constantly. She told me that she once had strong feelings for M early in our relationship. We argued every day and could never talk to her about anything without her having a go and calling me a cheat. I had nobody to talk to. Eventually, I used the computer more and went in chatrooms, were I got talking to one girl in particular who I felt at ease talking to. I eventually fell for this girl and told her that I love her. (We talked regularly about general things over around a year) I eventually told my wife and we broke up. She considers it cheating and wanted a divorce. She went to stay at K and Ms house for a while and became closer to them both.I eventually moved into my mothers house and tried to remain friends with my wife.Her and M became closer and she could talk to him about anything, he would tell her everything K was saying about her, plus anything anybody else had said. K never knew he was visiting the house, because she was so paranoid. Soon after they had been talking and M asked if K had cheated since. She told him that K and kissed the dancer in Newcastle, but then realised what she had said. She tried to cover saying everyone was drunk and that it was a mistake.He went home and got into a fight with K and bruised her and locked her in the backyard. The police were called and he was arrested and beaten by the police. My mum blamed my wife for this, because she told him the truth. Things smoothed over after a while but the animosity was still there.In September this year, we were all going on holiday. This had been planned for almost a year. A few days before we were going, my wife had to go to town and M had to go to town. He offered her a lift, but his car had broken down, so they both got the bus. They spend all day in town. He phoned my mum at 3:30pm, because she was watching their daughter. He said he would be back at 4pm. 6pm came and then he came to the door. He said he was with my wife for half hour, then went to do his own thing. I knew this was a lie and then called my wife who had just got to her house. Eventually, she told me they had spent the full day together, but had came up with the little story in case my mum told K they had been together all day.I got paranoid, I have always suffered badly with depression and paranoia. I was convinced there was something going on with M and my wife. There were many little things that just seemed to add up and make things even more suspect.This eventually got to my mum and she went to see K and M and accused him of there being something going on. My mum got really bad and said she never wanted to speak to my wife again, even if that meant turning her back on her grandkids. This eventually got back to my wife that this was said and my wife says she never wants to let my mum see the kids. M told everybody what everybody had said about everyone. He was telling my wife what K was saying about her, telling K what my wife was saying, telling my wife what my mum was saying. Now it seems like everybody hates eachother. My ex girlfriend regularly goes to my mums house. I have 2 children with her. She cheated on me early in our relationship, but my mum still accepts her for fear of not seeing her 2 sons. I feel like my mum will not turn her back on my ex who cheated on me, and is a terrible mother, (believe me) for fear of not seeing he 2 grandchildren. Yet she will turn her back on 3 grandchildren, because my wife told the truth, even though my sister got hurt.There was always favouritism of the 2 children to my ex, because of an incident where one of the children were beaten up by my exes boyfriend. My mum seems to care much more about the 2 kids to my ex than she does about the 3 to my wife. My wife is more of a mother to them than their own mother is. Their mother is disgusting, never cleans her house, never washes their clothes. She has a daughter to the guy who put my son in hospital. She neglects my 2 sons. My ex put me through hell, yet is like my mums best friend. My wife does nothing wrong and gets hated for it.My wife calls my family all kinds of names, I feel she is right to an extent. My wife says she never wants me back, she is much happier without me, plus the kids are happier when they see me. We are trying to still be friends, but things are made much harder because of the whole family situation.Bitching has divided my whole family. I am stuck in the middle. What can I do? I am already receiving psychiatric treatment, because I suffer with 7 different personality disorders. I have my next appointment next month. I want to check myself into a mental hospital. This whole thing has turned my life upside down, I spend every day in tears. The only thing that kept me strong was talking to the girl who I met online. She keeps me sane. I feel like I am to blame for everything. I failed as a father, husband, son, brother. Please help me!!!
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best friend, broke up, chat room, cheated on me, cheated on my wife, divorce, drunk, ex girlfriend, flirt, kissing, met online, moved in, my ex, on holiday Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2006):
I am chiming in here pretty late but the cast of characters in your story seem like first class shit-stirers and create drama just for the the sake of it.
Isnt it reasonable to assume that if you you have psychlogical issues your blood relatives might as well? And that they are attracting into their circle other people (like M and maybe your wife) that have similar issues? And just wait until the next round of kids start getting into the mix. Oy!
Its clear to me that you have to GET OUT. And not just another city. Move to Australia or something. As long as you are in physical proximity, they will always find a way to pull you into the the latest shit storm. This patch up with your mother and wife is only part of the ebb and flow- it'll all be on again in a month.
You cant help anyone until you get stable yourself. Get the hell out and dont get a phone wherever you go. In a couple of years of being around normal adults you can come back and rescue your boys and get them to a new life too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter a long talk with my mum, she eventually phoned my ex and apologised. I feel much better now the hostility has gone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again Irish. I have no plans for any relationship. This girl is my best friend and I do NEED her. I do love her, but I am not looking for a relationship. I just want to feel like I can live again. This is the lowest I have ever felt in my life. I am almost 30, but I feel like I am 70. I cannot remember the last time I was happy.
I know I am not a pedo, but when you are constantly told you are, sometimes you can start to doubt yourself. I just want my sanity back. I feel like I have lost everything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2006): Dear, no you are not a pedophile for being friends with a 17 year old. I agree, that you need friends to help you through this...just be careful of how far you take this relationship with the 17 year old. She is over the age of consent but she is not a legal adult yet. I strongly suggest you remain friends until after she is a legal adult. Then the choice about where this relationship will go..will be the choice between two adults. Before you make any decision about new relationships, get your own baggage and life straightened out first. All of this family strife and pain is something no one deserves to have dumped on them. And you need to heal and recover. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Irish.
My wife was wanting me back for a while, but M was telling her I would never change and she would be stupid if she ever took me back. Then the next time him and K argued, he would always bring up the fact that K had cheated and he would say things like he was going to sleep with my wife.
I told my wife that M was the cause of it all, but she would always become very defensive of him, which added to my paranoia of something going on between them. She would say that it was not his fault, but it was all mine. Then again bringing up the fact I was a pedo confiding in kids. She has even said she does not trust me around my own kids. She has apologised for some of the things she says, yet will say them again when she is angry. I would have a go because she would defend him so much and tell him her innermost thoughts. She would just say, "Well at least he is a f**ing adult". I have been torn apart by her words and my own feelings of guilt. She made me promise never to talk to this other girl, yet she was my ONLY rock, always there for me and always was willing to listen. I told my psychiatrist about this girl and he said it would be unwise to cease contact with her. I mentioned this to my wife, but she was like, "well they don't know everything". Even my GP said it was a good thing that I could talk to this girl.
I just want to move away from everybody and get out of the city I live. I feel like I can never walk with my head held high. My wife has told many people we split up because I was in love with a CHILD, so many people probably think I am a pedophile. I feel like the only person I can talk to is this girl. Everybody I have confided in so far has backstabbed me, with the exception of this girl, my GP and my psychiatrist. I just feel like I am in a no win situation whatever I do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2006): Obviously, much of your family doesn’t work well with relationships and they do thrive on contention and bigtime drama! The core of all this problem started with M, your sister's bf. He sounds like a snake and a very manipulative person. Too bad he was allowed to destroy your family like this. Gossip, innuendo is destructive--even to families. There is so much pain in your family right now and all I can say, is you need begin taking steps to healing yourself. Withdraw from everyone for awhile and get some indiviual counselling, be it a family counselor or some spiritual counselling from a pastor or a minister. You need to get strong for your children as they are being tossed into the middle of this mess. They will need you to be positive, strong and a rock solid role model for them. You cannot do anything about your wife, your Mother, your ex gf, your sister, your sister's bf. They are all adults and they make their own choices on how to react to this family strife. You won’t be able to fix who these people are, or change them. However, you can change yourself and reach out to them. Will it be hard at first? Of course it will. Forgiveness is the key to beginning to mend, all that has gone on. I hope they all find their way..as family is so dear and precious.
I am sorry. Perhaps time will heal hard feelings and the hurt engendered, by your sister and her bf. Get some counsel dear and begin healing. I wish you the best. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut that's part of the problem. When she starts getting mad, I ask her to calm down and I fully understand why she is so mad at me. I don't usually shout back. There are days when I go to see her and we talk about general stuff, but then something about the past will get brought up and she will start getting mad and shouting again.
When we split up, I realised that I had stopped loving her and I wanted to move on. I wanted her to move on and be happy because I knew she could never be happy with me because of the anger. But when all the arguments started between the family and I could see how badly she was being treated, I was very defensive and started to fall for her all over again. I would tell her I loved her still, but she would always throw it back at me mentioning this other girl. She would say things like, "Oh, but you tell everyone that you love them". This other girl is 17, so that was always a factor too. I live in the UK, so there was nothing illegal. When we argued, the would usually tell me to go and find some schoolkids or would basically just start screaming that I was a pedophile. I tried to explain that I needed to talk to SOMEBODY, but she would say things like, "well you should talk to an adult rather than schoolkids". Not a good thing to be screaming, especially with open windows so all the street can hear. Even our kids have heard that I told a CHILD I loved them. This anger is mainly generated because of the girls age.
The main problem though is the way the 3 kids between me and my wife seem to just be neglected by my mum and some other family. My sisters daughter and my 2 kids from a previous are loved more than anything, but mum is happy to never see the 3 to my wife because she told M the truth about the cheating.
My wife has said that she has had it with my family and she never wants the kids to see my mum again. I understand why. We don't have a future together because she says she will NEVER be able to trust me again. She says I cheated and is using that as grounds for divorce.
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A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (12 October 2006):
 But your response to your WIFE is yelling back...and fighting. What are you arguing about. She says your are a selfish pig who cheated on her heart...YOU SAY.
a. I understand why it hurt you so deeply and I wish i could take that hurt away for you...your right. thank you for pointing out to me your true feelings.
b. I am not...your just a bitch or I never would have fallen for the online girl.
c. its all your fault so stop yelling at me.
d. this whole situation has made me act like an idiot...I wish I could change how this played out...I hate fighting and hurting you more.
which statement is going to build a bridge instead of tearing one down? Which one will stop the fight?
which one would be better for your daughter to hear? words are so easy...yet our pride steps in the way...and even if We KNOW the other one has valid feelings and Know that all they really want is for us to acknowledge their hurt feelings....we still choose to fight rather than give an inch.
You know what...She is 100% responsible for the Fights. But guess what ....YOU are 100% responsible for the fights.
What does that mean?
It means that at any time Either party can end the fight by agreeing with the other person. Because if someone agrees with you....what is there left to fight about.
simple words.
Think about it. "You are a worthless, nosepicking, hardheaded....toe licking cow turd."
"maybe your right....I think so too." (cause deep down...I know i have been really mean from time to time...and words are just words)
Now what does she have to say...."You are...wait...YOU WHAT?"
"honey....you know me better than anyone...AND if YOU think I am a worthless, nosepicking hardheaded tow licking cowturd...your probably right...I must be. And further more I am probably ugly smell funny and you deserve better than me...why you would ever marry me is just beyond my comprehension. Because you are beautiful, have real nice hair and you smell like cookies."
Now what is she going to say that is worse then the argument. "well I hate you and don't want you talking to me any more because you have BO and your feet are hairy!"
You say...."you are right...I will try to work on that...but I don't blame you for feeling that way."
Pride Ego....a wicked sarcastic tongue. Big flaws of mine. My husband taught me to end the argument...his way. By agreeing. Then when you get past all the yelling and the throbbing heartbeat and the anger....you can talk. And you have built a bridge instead of tearing one down for the rocks to throw at each other.
Other people have gotten in your way and messed with your marriage...but by screaming back you assist them.
Do you see that both of you have made mistakes?
Then give her the ammunition to see it too. Give her your respect and your pride...and expect NOTHING in return. She does not have to admit she's wrong...She doesn't have to speak to you. But, you are not being a wimp by standing up and taking responsibility for your wrongs...and if they are in her mind...only she can convince herself she's over reacted. Take away the blame game...take away the fight...and stick that high octane fuel into the engine to see you can rev up any love left for your Very WISE daughters sake. Even if you guys end...you can at least be civil and KIND for the 7 year olds sake. she does not deserve being stuck in the middle...hearing mommy cry after you leave...or rant about what a Blah blah blah....She's sick of it...it takes a lot of courage for a little kid to stand up and tell the God like beings...her parents...they need to act nicer. Wow...great kid. means both parents...Probably are great people...stuck in a terrible spin cycle either one of them could end but won't.
Just decide NO matter what she says...you are going to listen...and you are not going to let her goad you into yelling back.
It takes two people to have a fight...It takes ONE to end it. You both are 100% responsible.
Dont take my word for it....try it. What have you got to loose....one arguement...or your whole world.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the excellent answer Beentheredonethat, but I have stood by my wife, I have defended her every step of the way in all of this. I have argued with my sister and her bf, I have argued with my mum.
I cannot be friends with my wife because she harbours so much anger from me 'cheating'. We cannot have a conversation without her bringing up the fact of me telling another girl I loved her. We try to be friends, but cannot even talk. Whenever I go to see her, she asks what my mum has been slagging her off about now. Yesterday, my daughter heard us arguing and said, "I wish you and my mum stopped arguing and loved each other again". She is 7, with more sense than any of the adults.
The reason why I feel like a failure as a father is because everytime I see them, I am arguing with their mother.
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A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (12 October 2006):
Well first of all....How have you failed?
Tears are not pretty but sometime you can't help it. Try learning to meditate...Oh and that means with instructions...not suddenly deciding to sit cross legged and then giving up after two minutes. You must know what your trying to accomplish...in order to accomplish anything.
There are people in the world who just love to be in the middle of drama. My husbands family is just like that...they have kids with multiple people..they have cheated and therefore hate this one or that one. One of my sister-in-laws Only needs to sleep with my husband to get the entire SET of five brothers....and she's mentioned that to me! So there is always some huge drama going on...now some of the older ones have grown up Kids that feed into the mixture....they all seem to have children before the age of 16...which is why we live VERY FAR AWAY. I Love my husbands family dearly...in small sips. But the great Drama orchestrator is his mother. She calls one up and tattles what another said with embellishment and turns some small thing into a huge fight...which she's doing right now over selling her house. Believe me you are not the ONLY one in the world who suffers from a Drama Queen in the family. (and quirks and personality disorders stem from suppressed anger...let the anger go and you won't need that soft little room) Your sister in law has gone from hating your wife to....letting her move IN? Then tatteling everything that has been said in anger, hurt or confidentially. Nice lady...do you think she's a factor in the whole family being angered at someone...notice everybody still likes her...Drama queen extraordinaire. Once everyone learns to take what she says with a grain of salt and never discuss private matters in front of her...she loses her power. And if you tell her something...warn everyone else...so they are prepared. Honesty is usually the best unless it will hurt someones feelings...which does not bother the drama queen...the drama queen is bored and must stir the pot of everyone else's Lives for entertainment.
You know I don't mean to rain on anybody's parade...but finding your siblings spouses attractive is very normal. One of my brother's in law is the prettiest thing you have ever seen. When I told hubby...instead of being all nasty...he laughed and warned his brother to watch out for me....Now we flirt all the time yet the farthest we have gone is a nice friendly hug and that's all that ever will happen. Flirting is NOT CHEATING....talking on the Internet is NOT CHEATING....spending the day together flirting and making eyes and telling each other you want to have sex with them so bad and you adore them and even KISSING them is NOT CHEATING. Copulation is cheating..oral, vaginal or anal. (there mister Clinton...i have defined sex for you) If your penis is inserted into any orifice of hers....Its cheating...Anything less is just gossip.
Another thing People...Fantasies belong to your head...You do not have to tell anyone about them and If your spouse DOES tell you about a fantasy that is your cue to smile and say Wow that's really weird....thanks for trusting me enough to tell me...I love you. The end.
You failed as a father...what did you strap your kids into a car and drowned them? Are you not STILL a father...then you have not failed as long as you give a rats butt and TRY...and maybe Love them a little and tell them you do even if you don't.
Feeling like you are to BLAME for everything....baby that is the perfect opposite to Drama Queen...its called the Scape Goat. See way back in the oldie days when people sacrificed animals...(then ate them beings God seemed to be dining elsewhere and why let the meat go)...people magically cast all their sins onto the poor goat...and by spilling his blood he washed their sins away...then they ate him...which to me just redistributed the sins...but it was not my area so nobody asked my opinion. Now...so you can be involved in all the drama....you feel to blame.
Yet what about this have you controled? You talked to a girl on the Internet and then jumped the shark a bit by wanting to spend time with someone who is NOT involved in all your daily mess. So what.
Go to your wife....tell her you do not blame her at all for the situation everyone is in. Explain who you believe to be the pot stirring Hag who keeps the entire family boiling. Ask her to come back...she's the mother to your kids....at the very least Be friends. Maybe she does not want you back...because she's sick of you Crying all the time instead of standing up and saying..."Enough..I don't want to hear any more. Let's have a nice day and stop telling each other every hurtful thing that pops into our heads....GRow Up everybody."
See women are funny. They want you to be soft and tender with them....But they want you hard as nails and always there to defend them. Treat her like a princess...be her knight in shining ...not the needy little broken puppy. No woman finds that sexy for long. Pursue her...charm her...so what if she rejects you...(now let me interject there is a difference between charming and creepy...See the movie MR WRONG for further instructions)
Build a bridge with her first...Then stand up to mommy and tell her that if She wishes to hate your wife...it is her privilege..."How ever as much as I love you...she is also the mother to my children and you will be pleasant to her." Now mommy is not going to take this kindly...she may yell at you or try to give you a guilt trip. Even if her words hurt your feelings...Don't cry or let her get to you...smile placidly nod and accept what she says. Then in a quiet but firm voice tell her..."I understand your feelings mother...thank you for expressing them...now just so you know...I will not set foot in any home that my wife is being treated unkindly...she is my wife...I love her...I love my children and I love you...but If you will not allow me any place to be but in the middle of a constant war then I must choose the ones who need me the most...and that is my children...then my wife...then the rest of my family.
If she continues harping.
"Mother...I have given you my answer. It was not an opinion, I was not asking permission and I will abide by what I told you. Now...How is your (insert painful area of choice) mum's love to discuss their chronic pain...listen carefully. You may be shocked at what you have been droning out....
continue this procedure with the rest of the family. If they choose to be nasty...change the subject and if They will NOT change the subject...excuse yourself and move on to more pleasant occupations. Believe me...your wife will be impressed that you have taken up for her. But...don't ever ASK FOR CREDIT....it ruins the entire thing.
Don't feel so lost....you are not the only one in the world who's family has driven them nuts...its how your react to their actions that counts.
And remember...If you cry, scream or have a fight...all your doing is feeding the drama queens Need for entertainment. You are her Double feature...be sure to make her popcorn...she might as well enjoy her work.
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