A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am falling for a male friend who is in a long term relationship. We met through work (at a social event- we don't work together so that isn't an issue) and have developed a connection which at first I brushed off, knowing he had a girlfriend. We would chat in a friendly way, and I would disregard anything flirtatious, thinking that he was just being friendly. One day he told me he had feelings for me. I was genuinely shocked as I had been in denial about everything. Neither of us wanted to act on it for obvious reasons. I do not want to hurt another girl and be the source of her pain, and it's clear he doesn't either, which I respect him for. We have never crossed a line physically. A while later he decided to help me with some work related issues and although confused I began confiding in him (about my career ambitions, nothing intimate). Although he was helpful, I wasn't entirely comfortable with this, so I asked him why he was helping me out, given previous events. After some conversation, he admitted he had feelings for me again. I have no idea whether he is thinking of leaving his girlfriend (they've been together 9 years and own a property, so this isn't simply a case of "if he likes you more he'll leave her" although I take that point on board). Its just that on the other hand, I'm not sure I'd respect a man who simply dumped his long term girlfriend as soon as someone new came on the scene!What I would like to know is, how to handle this going forward. I obviously don't want to make moves on a taken man, and I have no intention of actively pursuing him. I just don't know if I want to cut him out either, especially as we haven't so much as kissed. I would like to work out if he sees me as a temporary distraction or something more but without playing games or issuing ultimatums. We don't continually discuss our feelings as I feel that would be unfair on his girlfriend. He doesn't bad mouth her either, although he has said that he is ultimately looking for something with me and has problems in his relationship (never talking about the details and I don't ask). I would like to bring it up again at some point (we see each other now at group events and make small talk - there's a lot beneath the surface) but don't want to appear as if I'm interfering in his relationship. I guess what I'm saying is id like to know where I stand, given what he's said to me previously, but in a way that is tactful. There's a lot to the story but I don't want to be "the other woman" and have no intention of being! He is obviously confused but I am trying to be level headed. Any thoughts? Do you think he's just stringing me along? If so, why not try and use me for sex/ an ego boost? Of course I would say no, but he hasn't tried anyway. I don't think this is a typical "he's using you" scenario but I could be blind sighted! Thanks all. And please don't flame me too much - I have really backed away from the situation and am not trying to cause another woman pain.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2015): Hi - it's the OP here. Thanks for your replies. I've decided to take your advice and cut contact. I haven't given an explanation because I feel even that would be a gesture which he might interpret as me trying to get a reaction from him. I would rather just back away completely and hopefully it will just fade for me mentally. I agree that I wouldn't like it if it was me in her shoes and believe me I have been conscious of that. I even raised that exact point with him but he said that he too feels guilty but has developed feelings despite trying to fight them. I think that maintaining a friendship would be sending him signals right now, and if he is genuinely confused about ending his relationship then I'm only making the situation more confusing my sending friendly emails and "allowing" him to stay in limbo. If he is going to leave then he should do that irrespective of me (I certainly don't want to be the primary cause) and if he isn't then I will end up as the other woman one way or another by default. These are things I already knew I guess, but it was good to hear an outsider's perspective. I guess it's tough to hear that I might already be the other woman in some way because that's not a role I could ever see myself occupying knowingly. I'm no seductress and don't really know how this even happened! I keep trying to trace my steps and see what signals I was even communicating. I cannot and will not allow a man to cheat. I need to keep telling myself that! Even typing it is making me feel better about this decision. thanks!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 December 2015):
 If you claim to not want to be "the other woman" then don't BE "the other woman" in EVERY way, simply drop the contact. HE isn't your friend, and you... aren't his. YOU both have romantic feelings or maybe just some lust for each other and that doesn't fit into a friendship. SPECIALLY not when one of the people HAS a long term partner.
You may think it's all good because you haven't had sex with him, but... you are forming a deeper emotional attachment (both of you) which DOES take away affection and emotions he REALLY should "spend" on his partner, NOT you. It's an emotional affair so to speak. Or rather the beginning of one, if you don't nip it in the bud.
Take a few minutes and think on this... HOW would you feel if you had a BF who was doing THIS EXACT same thing with another woman? You wouldn't like it one bit, I bet you and you certainly wouldn't regard it as a "friendship". You would (if you REALLY thought about it) recognize it as a form of cheating. Like he was sharing and giving parts of himself to another woman, not you the GF.
Maybe then... you can see why the RIGHT thing is to CUT the contact, not just back away.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (25 December 2015):
 Nothing physical needs to happen before you are considered to be the other woman.Whether or not you realise you already are the other woman. The other woman that he is now thinking about, flirts with,developed feelings for and starting to give himself emotionally too when this is something that should be reserved for her. Thing is op given that you are now very well aware of his feelings towards you and your own allowing yourself to remain friends is making moves on someone else man. In your heart of hearts you cant justify all is innocent just because you haven't so much as kissed, thats where its heading and you know that. All CHEATERS claim to have problems with their spouses therefore justify that being the reason for green lighting the ultimate betrayal. Who knows what his true intentions are, but whilst he is still attached my advice is to cut ties because you simply cannot/should not be friends with the opposite sex under circumstances as you explain. its not fair to his gf or yourself. If he is serious enough then he'll do the right thing by leaving her, if not for you but for himself. If not, then i would hardly believe that their relationship issues are not much more than a justification to get a leg over.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2015): He's in a relationship. Off limits.
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