A
female
age
30-35,
*entimental
writes:I have a tricky question, I've been trying to workout since I was 14 I'm now 19 so it's been a good 5 years!!! I just hope someone can shed some light on the situation and give me some advice Okay so I'll start from the first encounter I guess =|I was a year older than everyone in my year so I was 13 when I first meet her. She was a PE teacher at my school, and I was chosen to go on a gifted and talented two week sport and science camp in Scotland. Instantly we clicked, my basketball team and this teacher use to hang out while we were away. Soon after the first week it only use to be and her that would sit up late watching tv, talk about sport and anything and everything else we could think about.By the end of the two weeks we were best buddies. By the time we got back to school I caught a cold and was off for. While I was off it turned out my form tutor was absent so she was taking over, once I stepped in the class room we hugged and she was telling me how much she missed me.Fast-forwarding a few months, I'm 14 and having serious problems at school. My mum found a lump in her breast and was in and out of hospital. At the time she was single, so I had to look after her and my younger brother aged 6 plus keep studying. I started acting out at school and it was getting to the point where I was doing silly things like smoking during lessons, drinking alcohol. The PE teacher was a rock, and I was able to talk to her about anything. I confided in her and she helped me through it.This is when the feelings started. At first I thought it was just because she helped me and I was grateful but it was much more than that. She asked me if I would coach her basketball team, which I did and loved. It meant I would sound more and more time with her. I would be in school before most teachers to start a session, I would see her at lunch time, and then after school. What made it worse was that I took PE as an Exam so she became my tutor. Everyone knew I was her favourite, she would always say it. Because I coached her team she would get me out of lessons to go with her to matches that were away. Now I was out of trouble, and became her teacher pet. I found myself wishing I didn't have to go home at the end of the day, wishing that I could spend all my time with her, wishing I could be with her not just as a friend but something more. I started exploring my sexuality, I knew I was a lesbian before my feelings developed for her. (I went to a all girls school which didn't help) I fought hard against my feelings for her, and convinced myself that I got admiration mixed up with love. I made myself believe that for a whole year. A new PE teacher came along, we grew close and I distanced myself from the PE teacher I liked. I thought it would make my feelings disappear. The PE teacher I liked use to make comments about me not talking to her anymore, and that she was jealous about me spending time with the new teacher even though I continued to coach her basketball team. We started to fall out and didn't speak to each other for a few months. The other PE teachers use to tell me that I should talk to her and that she was upset with me. I started thinking that maybe she liked me more than she let on, I mean there was no real reason for her to be jealous of the other teacher right? Especially to the point where she didn't talk to me.Anyway I turned 16 and started to get involved in all sorts. I started smoking drugs when I was 15, and kept doing it here and there. I started drinking again, this time before school with a friend and in between lessons. I developed a eating problem, and started self harming. I couldn't understand my feelings and didn't know how to express them to her, and to my family. My family are very religious, and my Nan makes it clear enough that same sex relationships are sin. We started talking again, this time I started being really horrible to her. I wouldn't listen to her, I just wasn't nice to her. I started to hate her. It caused me to run away, I was away for a few days before I returned. When I got back to school I apologised to her, and I tried to explain why I did what I did but It just wouldn't come out. We continued to be friends, but there was always a distance between us. I left school just before I turned 17. We were hardly speaking then, and it tormented me. I reined a friendship that I wanted/needed to keep. I thought about her constantly and would walk pass school just to see her. Before i left school she gave our team basketball kits which she had. She gave me the one she use to wear, and told me she wanted me to keep it and play with her nubmer which of course i did. We didn't stay in contact, but yet she would send message through the team I coached. I was hurting a lot, knowing that I loved her and wanted to be with her so much. I knew while I was at school nothing could ever happen, and now that I left it made it harder to ignore my feelings. I went to a college out of the area, and didn't see her anymore. The feelings seemed to have disappeared, I had other crushes on girls and gradually had relationships after. I had a bad sport accident which meant I had to leave college for surgery and rehab. I accidentally bumped into her one day my school is right next to my Nan house. We spoke, she hugged me and we talked for a while. My heart was pounding the whole time, I wanted to hold her and tell her how much I missed her. I promised her I would go back and see her, which I didn't do. I didn't want to fall for her again. I cried a lot after this. I was hurting beyond my own understanding. I tried to move on but couldn't. Even my mum use to make jokes about how she thought me and the PE teacher fancied each other. The only reason my mum thought this was because we had parents evening and we went to see her, and she was talking to my mum but she kept looking at me. Not the ordinary look but a deep look, and she kept telling my mum she couldn't do the things she did without me. So anyway after I bumped into her, I went to a sports clinic and I saw her coming out of the train station and knew where she lived. I made excuses to go pass there just in case I saw her. I visted school on numerous occasions but didnt go and see her. Everyone would tell her that i was at school and she would get upset over the fact i never came and said hi. I use to wear her basketball jersey to bed, and sleep with it. I had fallen in love with her again. I knew it wasn't a crush, it hurt to much to be a little crush, and besides I had left school a year ago. Now I'm 19 I went back to school a few weeks ago by myself to go and see her. I'm training ti become a PE teacher and wanted to do some work experience at school. It was really awkward at first. We hadn't seen each other in over a year. We exchanges details and have been emailing each other back and forth. Now my problem is she asked me to do my work experience with her seen as though she's head of PE now. I agreed, which I know I shouldn't have done, I just didn't know how to say no. I'm due to start it soon. The problem is im still in love with her. I still get butterflies when I see her, my throat goes dry, my stomach does the flips. I can't stand it anymore. I just don't know what to do. The pains returned and I don't know if I should tell her how I feel or not. I mean she's always told me I was too mature for my age, and that she loved that about me. There's a few things she's said which has had me wondering.I've spoken to a few people, and some say I should tell her and some think I admire her too much and because we've been through a lot I think I love her when I really don't. Even my ex thinks I've never actually gotten over her. So I guess the question I want to know is am I truly in love with her? Should I tell her how I feel or should I continue to hid it? And if I hid it I don't want to start getting in arguments with her because I'm frustrated about the situation. So what do you guys think? I'm so sorry this was long, I just needed to get it off my chest. Oh and by the way shes 25 now. There's a lot more things that have happened, so if you want to ask anything feel free to ask. I'm just lost with it all.Sorry again for babbling on! :(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (22 October 2010):
 First of is she also a lesbian, because if she is not I'm afraid you might not have a shot.
If she does like girls maybe at this point it would be a good idea to tell her how you feel. There is a great different in being 13 and her being 19 now you being over age can now express your feelings without it being a crime.
I would honestly suggest you talk to her and see what happens from there....good luck and please keep me posted.
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