A
female
age
30-35,
*uubly100
writes:Hi everyone, I'm after a bit of a help now on a rather confusing situation to say the least. I'll start from the beginning as there are too many bits and bobs adding to the confusion!I'm a 20 year old girl, who did the classic and fell for her best friend, lets call him Jack. I never told him, instead I was highly immature and drunk text him a couple times saying that I wanted to sleep with him. As a young lad, hearing that he got a bit excited and soon I was receiving similar texts on his nights out. I rather naively assumed that he meant more than just the drunken sexual things he was saying, and I got carried away. We talked every single day on the phone when I couldn't see him ( He's at university a long way from me and he lives abroad- not ideal) and I thought it was a sign that all this effort Jack was making to talk to me might mean he liked me back.Anyway, I carried on thinking that maybe something could happen between us. The next time I saw him I confronted him about how I felt about him because enough is enough! Unfortunately when I told Jack that I really liked him, his reply was "I don't know". Not exactly what a girl wants to hear! I then made it my objective to get over him while he was away (he lives abroad) as I deserved better than "I don't know"!When he came back from being abroad, I was very nervous about seeing him as we hadn't talked about that night since. I'd made a real effort to get over him , by easing off the skyping and calling as much, and I'd even been flirting with some other guys (hadn't done that in a while haha).I saw him with a big group of our friends, but I immediately new I was going to struggle because he kept talking to one of our extremely attractive girlfriends and I was getting jealous. Cleary I wasn't as over him as I thought. I supressed the jealously and carried on enjoying the night with our friends as we went to a club.When we got there one of my girlfriends pulled me aside and told me that that Jack had just come out to her and that he was going to tell me next. Under the influence, I completely flipped out. I started crying but I didn't really know why. I was beyond confused. I managed to pull myself together, and headed back to the see the rest of our mates.As prompted, Jack came up to me, and told me he was gay. He was in floods of tears and soon I was crying and it was all a bit messy! Looking back I think I reacted sensibly (thank god for the warning from my friend other wise I would have freaked out on him). I explained that he was obviously still my best mate and that it was really brave of him to come out. He then said that I was the hardest person to come out to because he knew I had feelings for him. After some more hugs and emotional drunken chit chat we went inside and had good night dancing.It's now a couple days later and I am completely freaking out. I'm so confused. I am so so proud he was able to come out a be who he is. It must be so hard.But on the other hand I am so angry at him. I'm angry that he let me believe that something could happen for a whole frickin year. I'm angry that in that year, I wasted time thinking and crying about him because I didn't know if he felt the same way or not. I'm angry that I was the last to know he's gay when we're supposed to be best friends. I'm angry because everyone else he has told seems to be acting completely normally with him yet I can't even bring myself to send him a text today. My family and friends have a very dark humour, and when I told them what happened all anyone did was tease me. Maybe one day I will see the funny side (falling for the gay best mate is a bit of a cliché) but right now I am so upset and no one seems to care.Having said this, I feel awful being so upset because for Jack it must be about 100 x worse; coming out to friends and family and to someone who loves him. I can't imagine how hard that is. I'm so proud of him, and want to be there for him so badly because I love him as a friend as much as in any other way. I'm also grateful to him, because in the past year that I've spent being head over heels for him, although I struggled with the concept of falling for my best mate, It was undeniably the happiest time of my life. Please please, if anyone has been in a similar situation, please can I have some advise on how to handle this maturely? I don't want to upset him, I don't want to lose him. But I don't even want to talk to him right now. And I'm jealous of how everyone else is reacting; so calmly and accepting. I'm not homophobic or anything like that at all, But I'm just so shocked. Please can someone help me on how to approach this. I'm really struggling.xx
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (2 September 2013):
 I can see how hard this been for you and I get why but I'm not so sure he led you on for year deliberately.I believe he was in a transition period, unsure of his sexuality and probably in denial. He maybe tried to develop feelings for you because he loves you and wanted to be "normal" but at the end of the day he's gay.He couldn't deny it any more and knew he had to be true to himself and come out.Bless him, he even admitted that you were the hardest one to come out too because he knew you had feelings and I'm sure by that he was saying he was aware that he had assisted in the development of those feelings. Hence he felt so bad and cried.This is so sad for you but focus on those good feelings of pride and the fab night dancing you had and less on the anger and hurt.Spend some time talking to him about who he is and how he feels so you get a better idea of what being gay means to him. When face to face let him know how proud of him you are and that you appreciate the hard journey he's had but also let him know how hard this has been for you because you felt he led you on and it made you angry. You're feelings need validation.He needs to take ownership for hurting you and I'm sure he'll hug you and apologise and then I think you'll start to feel better.I'm sure you will both get past this and as time passes you'll feel better.He's so lucky to have a lovely friend like you.Good luck AB x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2013): Hello.
I have never been in the situation where in i fell for a gay best friend.
although I have one. His very handsome and not the usual gay. Maybe just like your jack, if he wont tell you, you wouldn't know. There was a time that people always mistaken us for more than friends and even told us that we looked good together. But hell no.
He is so gay, we are both attracted to men.
Was I attracted to him? Honest answer No.
He was very caring, very good looking, smart and very gay too. What you felt for him is just normal.
Your close to each other, maybe his just like my gay best friend. (caring, very good looking, smart and very gay too)
So who wouldn't fall right?
The difference is I know his gay but you don't.
Once a man fall into gay category, very rare chance that it would change.
They will always be gay. My advice to you, now that his sexual preference is out in the open, always put in your mind, HIS GAY. He prefers men. Accept that, if you love and care for him, accept and embrace that. Let him do what makes him happy.
You need a little distance from him to recover from your feelings for him. It's must. (Distance)
try to date other people. Real men.
Its just hard in the beginning, but eventually you will recover from it. Pray that May God remove your feelings for him too. Good luck!
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