A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have known my best male friend for about 6 years. During this time he's been my rock through ups and downs including tumultuous relationships. I live in a different country from where I grew up (where he lives) a lot. I have often sensed that he felt more for me and has always been there. A few times when we've both been single we have slept together but I never really felt that we would be more than friends. Last year I broke up from a very bad relationship. My friend came to visit me and we had what was supposedly a platonic holiday together, but we were intimate. He really gave me the impression that he felt a great deal for me, and for the first time I actually started to see him in a different light. I went home for Christmas for two months, and despite my reservations (because I knew I was leaving again), we spent all our time together and I fell in love with him. It seemed that this would be different - there was no drama, I knew he cared about me, he was reliable and always there for me. But here is the problem. When I told him how I felt and asked if there could ever be a future for us, he told me he would never leave his city, let alone his country, not even for a small period of time. My job is international and very important to me. He told me that his career was more settled than mine (and made me feel like he thought it more important than mine), he was closer to his family (parents, siblings) than me (not true), and that basically there was no chance ever in the future that he would consider being anywhere else. He said he wanted us to work and hoped that we would, but that the only way this would ever happen is if I moved to be with him where he is now. I feel devastated. I was never expecting him to just up and leave and follow me - but I did hope that now we both knew we wanted to be together, we could take both of our careers into account and look at the world with opportunity. I feel like I have no choice but to cut things off as he is being so entirely inflexible with me and it makes me feel like he never felt that much for me in the first place. Do we go back to being friends? Or should I keep an open mind? Or just forget about everything and try to get on with my life?
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female
reader, Atsweet1  +, writes (26 January 2014):
 I would try to find out if its not possible for him to move and be with you or where you want him then do long distance. Long distance open relationships work until everything is work out with your international travel and both your jobs. He may feel he is being flexible on his terms and boundaries with what his goals are. I know for me I kept putting other people jobs and school and catering to make everybody else life easier in the end it wasnt no benefit really from it to me and my childrens future. I know if you want people to understand and do things it has to be fully communicated so it can be work out. He to may also feel he is be in forced rushed cohersied in to something he didnt really expect or sign Up for. He could just feel this move is not for him doesnt not mean in the future its not possible. Keep talking over it if he has been flexible in the past perphaps he has made a valid reasonable choice not to be flexiable now for a particular reason. Im not sure most people dont just up and move cause there love one is international employeed. They set up base home and whoever travel around goes and comes back to base. If he dont want to set up base of home front that means more travelling and you will have two home bases. So no need to say on your end Houston we have a problem.
A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (25 January 2014):
 People who travel a lot for work are making a sacrifice to their love lives. What you call stubborn and inflexible is actually being practical and sensible. He is a person who does not deal with long distance. I don't know what his plans are for the future but if he was to be in a relationship he wants someone he can see and touch every day.
Aside from long distance, it's often very hard for best friends to cross over and make the transition to be real couples. He played a role as a best friend, listening to your sob stories. It's hard for men to think of you as girlfriend when he's used to hearing about other men. They like to think of you as the one and only. At your age, men know that you had dated before, but they try not to think about the men you had had. So your stories you shared with him did not help him or inspire him to want to be your boyfriend. He's going to feel like you only want to be with him because you are single again and other relationships just didn't work out.
There was no drama with him because you did not have much expectations. The relationship was built on friendship and cooperation. He knew that if he went ahead with the relationship idea there would be drama, so he avoids it at all cost.
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