A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend who I've known for ten years (we're both 25). We both have long term partners and so don't see each other much with work commitments etc...However, when we do get together, (our partners get along well), whether it be out for a meal, drinks, partying, etc, she always seems to put on a great big act in front of her partner...when we're alone together she is completely different, she is like her "normal self" but when we go out as a foursome she becomes this fake woman and its starting to annoy me!She has made comments about my weight in the past when we are in company which I find so rude and disrespectful. I'm bigger than she is but I'm not overweight and I used to be happy with the way I look until she makes comments like that...she also comments on the clothes I wear, my shoes, my hair, the jewellery I choose to wear...all the time when we're in the company of others. This hurts me and I'm a very sensitive person. My partner says not to worry but how can I not?? I don't have many friends and she's the only friend I actually see most frequently. Am I being silly or is she a bad friend??
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): Then it's time for a frank heart to heart with her, OP. You may not have tonnes of friends but having no friends is better than having to be someone's emotional punchbag.
As you said something's changed to make her like this, it may be possible to change back too and it's worth giving her that chance. But it'd be the last one I give her.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): Firstly I would like to thank everyone for their advice and kind words. In response to the last comment, yes we have known each other for ten years, yes I am sensitive but really even the most sensitive of people would not take this for ten years. She hasn't been doing it for ten years, it started within the last three years and as I mentioned we don't see each other often and each time I see her when we're in company I think maybe she won't do it but she always does. I'm not completely over sensitive, I appreciate comments off others if they say something doesn't suit me etc but when she points things out just for the sake of trying to hurt me then I think she is a bad friend. Don't think I'm the sort of person that makes a big deal out of everything because I'm not. My partner says not to worry because men are not as sensitive as women and even her partner has told her to tone things down and has even apologised to me on her behalf and says she has a lot going on in her life. She had major surgery on her back which left her with a 20 inch scar so I'm thinking maybeshe is trying to make herself feel better about that by picking at me
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2014): You're being silly and frankly the other posters are taking this too much at face value.
You see the key things here are; she's been your friend for 10 years which means she's hardly saying any of those things to hurt you or be a bitch to you, your boyfriend says not to worry about it which tells me it's not as bad as you make out because I don't for one second believe he'd allow someone to abuse you, and finally you make it clear you're very sensitive.
Let me guess OP, your boyfriend thinks you're being overly sensitive and that her comments are not as bad as you make out?
OP nowhere in your post do you mention talking to her about this, you'd think after 10 years you'd have this discussion with her. You say she's fine on her own but that when she's with in a group of four of you she hurts your feelings. Well there are two other people there, OP, your partner and hers and they seem to think you're overreacting.
So you have to talk to her, let her know how you feel and see what she says.
I don't see any cause to think she's a bad friend at all, your partner would simply not tolerate anyone abusing you in the way you think she is or the other posters assume.
OP you have to talk to her about this and tell her to tone it down. I'm sure she will but it would help if you stopped projecting your insecurities onto what she says. otherwise you'll just have to let her go and hope you can find a friend who is willing to walk on egg shells and never speak their mind in case they hurt your feelings. Because frankly, OP, it's a long hard battle in life if you're too sensitive. You'll just constantly find ways to be hurt and offended by the things people say.
Talk to her, OP, and if you can try and put more credence into the intention behind words and not the words themselves. I've known plenty of very sensitive types and they're always stressed, everything hurts and mostly because they're unhappy with themselves.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 April 2014):
 I'd say time to make new friends, this one IS NOT being a good friend. She is trying to GET attention by putting you down. It's like she is trying to point out YOUR "faults" (not that they ARE faults, mind you she is just being a cow) to make herself seem BETTER then you.
FRIENDS don't do that.
I would hang out with her in "private if you otherwise like her, but avoid the social situations where she acts like a cow towards you.
IF you have the gumption, I would TELL her but not in a bigger social setting, but when it's just the two of you.
If you don't, then I would just slowly drop her. Start with ONLY seeing her one-on-one and then not at all.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 April 2014):
 Abusers can keep up a pretence for a while, but their true self comes out eventually. Even if she is consumed with secret self loathing for herself, that is not your problem.
People who actually hate themselves are often driven to put others down as a way of bolstering their fragile ego.
Underneath the layers of false niceness that she favours when with you one-on-one versus her vindictive cruel streak.
If you want to move in the same circles as her and attend the same functions as her you are going to have to start challenging her.
But she is cunning. She puts on a false face in private and seeks to humiliate you in public. Challenging her when you are in the company of others could backfire. She might seek to make a scene to try to make you seem like the 'nasty' one.
In private you could say with assertive conviction, ''Mary when you call me .... in public and in front of others I feel hurt and your words cause me distress and humiliation and in future I would appreciate if you could be as nice in public as you are in private.''
She may bluster and deny. But if her abuse continues then you'll have to increase the pressure on her.
So if she continues then once again, with assertive conviction, tell her:
''Mary I have previously asked you to stop hurting me in public but you have ignored my request. If you cannot stop hurting me with your words when we are in public then I cannot see you socially any more.'' Mean it if you give her this ultimatum.
There are many many more nicer people out there. You never have to put up with abusers.
If she utterly ignores your please then
start distancing yourself from this nasty people poisoner.
From then on tell her little. Be pleasant but not very forthcoming. Expect her to try to character assasinate you behind your back once she realizes that she has lost her current easy target to bully.
You are possibly far too kind, considerate and thoughtful and that is what she likes. Since abusers need a person who will not fight back, and the abuser needs such a target. The abuser wrongly thinks a very kind, considerate and thoughtful person is weak.
Yet an abuser will deny, deny, deny that anything they say or do is abusive. Their selective memory allows then to deny saying something they did say. Or deny doing something they did do. All because abusers see nothing wrong about their abusive behaviour.
Don't tell her of a new group you have joined nor a new holiday you inrend to take. Because being an abuser means that she too will want to join that same group to again character assasinate against you. Always wanting to undermine when speaking of you.
Cut your ties with her completely. Expect your partner to respect your wish to stop seeing this woman. Do not allow any talk that minimises her nastiness against you.
She is false, nasty and she enjoys putting you down and undermining you in the eyes of others.
People familiar with how abusers work might challenge her from time to time. She will hate that, and will start putting on an act to try to demonstrate that she is the victim.
Don't be conned by her any longer.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2014): Start making other friends and hang out with them more. No it's not easy to 'replace' her but she's not a good friend so wean yourself off this friendship. You can still be friends but she's not a good person to have as a close friend. She looks like she's not above punching you where it hurts to make herself feel better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2014): Bad friend. She's insecure and tries to make up for it by putting you down in public. Hang out with her alone from now on until you find new friends, or at least have a serious chat with her about it and tell her that, if it continues, you can't be her friend any more.
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