A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Anyone out there who has had a failed marriage? Why didn't it work? Did you try to make it work, but then get to a point where you just gave up? I feel like I'm about to shut down and stop trying. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): I tried very had to save my marriage but in the end it just didnt happen. I know marriages need work but the amount of time and effort I was putting into my failed marriage was draining. After 18 months I knew that our mariage was doomed but I stayed trying to make it right and regret it. I wasted 4 years of my life unhappy. Once you know in your heart that it is over move on, spare yourself the heart ache.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your help.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): Whatever you do, don't go for a quick divorce. Separate with the intention of figuring out where the marriage is headed.I was just divorced last week after an 18 month separation. And I'm happy that it took that long. Nothing changed for the better during the separation so we both knew it should happen. Another couple we know had drinking and spending problems that they constantly fought about, but after a year apart, they realized they still loved each other and got back together. Another two couples that split at the same time we did went for immediate divorces and the lack of closure and time to make sure it was right has all four people kind of screwed up.Separation will either make the heart go fonder and make the other want to make the necessary changes to give the marriage what it needs, or it won't! If you just can't stand it any longer -- give it some time apart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2009): I am now divorced and often ponder ove rwhat went wrong. We were together from when i was 15 until I was 38 years old.
I have to be honest and say there was northing huge that made this marriage fail. I often think what a shame we never knew some huge person who could bang our heads together and make us sort out the little issues, that together seemed big.
You are young so i will assume that your marriage is still young. Don't give up. Lack of real communication is what helped my marriage end. Angry words instead of honest ones. Talking about feelings rather than negative behaviour, which results in both of you pushing each other future away. I hope you guys can work it out.
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female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (17 March 2009):
 recognising a problem early might be the key to resolution..talk to your man, perhaps over dinner? communication is important...you both have to want it to work though!
Good luck!!
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A
male
reader, Tomas +, writes (17 March 2009):
There's a book called "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail", if I recall the title. Published maybe 10 years ago by a couples counselor. It was short, and wasn't fabulously interesting to me, but it was on precisely this topic so you might find it interesting.
I recall two things from it, relevant to your question.
First, based on case studies etc, marriages tend to succeed when 70-80% (don't recall exactly) of the interactions are positive. You have to associate interacting with the other person as something reliably enjoyable. So it's okay to have a stressful talk, or a short-tempered complaint, but you have to make it up with a lot of little smiles, genuine thanks, helpful hands.
Second, when that imbalance starts the fail, there is a series of four stages that relationships go through, in a downward spiral. What I recall from reading this is less what to do to stop them, than recognizing the pattern.
(Let me see if I still have the book.)
Okay, John Gottman, published 1994.
The four stages: criticism ("you always..."), contempt ("I didn't know I married a..."), defensiveness ("oh yeah? well you..."), stonewalling ("[watches the TV in silence]").
What was interesting was that the book is full of examples of couple going through the stages (transcripts of conversations), and I think anyone would recognize all four stages.
Looking at it again, there is quite a bit on suggestions at the back, which I think I paid less attention to at the time.
So maybe something worth having a look at. I've not personally been through this with a spouse, but I found the pattern described in this book to be accurate with other bad breakups.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): I am going through an extreemly painful and bitter divorce right now. Yes I tried over and over and over again. I was determined to do anything to make my marriage work and I went through so much pain and suffering before I finally realized that he just didn't want it to work. I do not know your situtation, but I think the first think you need to do if you want to make your marriage work is evaulate exactly how much your spouce has done to make it work and what his efforts are. If you see he is trying equally as hard then keep trying, it will probably be worth it in the end. Perhaps marriage counseling will work. If you find that your spouce is not trying at all then you need to come to terms with the fact that marriage does take two people and if one is not willing, you are probably better off saving yourself the pain of trying to make it work all by yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2009): hang in there i think the most thang people quit doing is talking -communication- call me weird but if i have something to say to my man i do it over the phone sometimes we talk face to face ive been w/ my man for 10yrs now when u say for better or worse till death do us part what dose that mean to u nobody takes marriage for what it actuially is theese days thay all think if it dosent work out we can just get a divorce, when they should work it out talking , marriage counciling , vacation, bring back that love , there things u can do to make it work if not join the DIVORCE croud we all welcome you
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