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female
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anonymous
writes:I hate facebook. it has literally just destroyed me. I was talking to my bf online, when in the message window it said I could look at some of his old statuses. Me being me (rather nosey) decided to have a look. And there in front of me were loads of his statuses (dating back about a year) about how much he loves his fiance, how he cant live without her, how he cant wait for the day they get married. Im in total shock. I know he had an ex, but I didnt know that he was totally in love with her like that. Weve been together on and off since January and hes never once told me he loves me. In fact, its me that loves him to death and in my heart I know that he doesnt care about whether we are together or not. What makes it worse is that he deleted her off his facebook a few weeks ago because she got a new boyfriend. This is obviously screaming to me that hes not over her. He doesnt know that I know all of this. He would think I was weird if he did, or call me a stalker or something. But I cant carry on like this. Im second best to him. I would give anything for him to be in love with me like that, but it aint gonna happen cos it would of by now. Should I keep clinging onto this? My head is telling me to let go and move on, but my heart wont. Im so shocked at finding all this. Hes never put a status about me or anything. I also cant believe that they wre engaged. Im totally heartbroken. x
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 November 2011):
 I am afraid I am going to sound heartless , yet... why are you shocked, where does the shock comes from.
It would have been reasonable being shocked if he had acted as if he is crazily ,passionately in love with you and then you find out it's not really so.
But, you have been " on and off " - always a bad sign. He has never said he loves you. You are aware that there IS an unbalance of feelings ( you care more about him than viveversa ) in fact, deep down you know that he does not particularly care about being with you.
So, he loved someone else more than he loves you, where's the surprise, since he has not shown any great love to you so far.
He might be still not over her, like you suspect- or also, he might be totally over her and still not in love with you .
I think the point is not to make love charts and see if she was 100 while you are 85 or 57 , the point is to see if this relationship makes you reasonably happy and fulfills enough your emotional and physical needs as it is NOW. Only you can decide if you can handle it as it is, or if there is something sorely missing, and decide accordingly.
A
female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (5 November 2011):
 Hi,
Many people here gave you good advice, so I won't repeat myself. Sorry that you had to find out this way. I know it's painful, shocking, and heart breaking. You seem like a nice girl, and deserve better. You deserve someone that will love you the same.
In my opinion, he's not over his ex-girlfriend, and he's not ready for a new relationship. I don't blame him, but I just don't like the fact that he was not honest with you, and that he lied to you. It's not fair, he's selfish.
Follow your head, not your heart. The sooner you end this relationship, the better... He's not ready for you, and i am afraid to say that if you stay, you'll only get hurt more... Be strong, I hope you make the right decision, and hope you feel better soon.
Good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2011): I think your bf isn't ready to be in any new relationship yet because he hasn't yet healed and moved on from his old one. He obviously really loved her, and they almost got married. That's saying a lot. You can't just turn that off and erase it just like that. And if it was only a year ago, I think it's very likely he's still not over her yet. That's not his fault, it's just the way things are. I think he shouldn't have got involved with you when he did, but maybe that's why you've been on and off. And maybe because he got so burned in that previous experience - loving her so much, so eager to marry her, and then it all ended - maybe that's why he's now very cautious with his heart hence he isn't saying "I love you" to you. he is at the stage where he just can't give of himself because it hurts too much and he has to protect himself.I think he just needs more time to get over his past relationship. The worst thing you can do is to make a big deal of it and try to push your relationship further along than he can handle. You can only take it for what it is, and either you're happy with it, or if not then you should leave him and find someone new who doesn't have such fresh wounds and is truly ready to be in a new relationship without looking over their shoulder.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 November 2011):
 you don't know that's why he deleted her. is that what he told you? if not, you are making an assumption, I am at the point where i am going to delete my ex from facebook because he's annoying, not because i'm not over him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): Hey miss,I am in a very similar situation to you. I am dating this girl, but I still inherently love my ex. She is the only girl I have ever loved and I have lied to my new girl about it whenever she brings it up. I deny any feelings for my ex publicly, but I still keep on touch with her.Your guy is just confused. I know that eventually me and my ex will drift apart. If you leave him now, you will not be with him in the future. As long as you feel like he didn't do anything harmful to you besides still having a heart dedicated to his ex, you shouldn't leave him. Keep pursuing him. Love is a game its supposed to be fun. Sometimes there will be people in your way, but don't let it ruin your dreams. I know you can win him over because I am in a similar situation. He has not forgotten the feeling that his ex made him feel. If its a strong feeling that made him happy at one point in his life, its hard to let it go. Its your job to help him get over it by continuing what you have. Stay with him!On the other hand, if you want to leave him, you feel like you can do better, this treatment is just not tolerable to you, then you should. Is it something you will regret? Can you do better? I'm sure he is a great guy. Sometimes people get lost about where they are in life and what direction they are headed. Help guide him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers. The thing is, I wouldnt mind the fact he was so in love with his ex if it wasnt for the fact that he deleted her off facebook just because she got a new man. He obviously cant handle her being with someone else. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): Facebook rears its head again!
If you removed this from the scenario, would you still think he wasn't into you like you him or did you look for signs after you read his status history?
Could be your the rebound girl, could be he is being cautious with you having had his heart broken once.
I would say he dated way too soon after his split, but he is still with you and that says something.Plus the ex has moved on now, so there's no going back for him.
Hes going to take things slowly but if you feel he's not into you then listen to your gut feelings,dont base it all on what you have seen. My reaction would have been the same as you but let the shock wear off before you do anything drastic.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 November 2011):
 You are reading way too much into this. Your relationship is unbalanced, he's got more power over you because you have told him you love him, and feel insecure in your position because he hasn't told you he loves you. That's ALL there is to it. It'd only take a glance at another woman, or a year old facebook status, to make you jump and scream about it. I don't blame you, but you need to sit down and take a deep breath.
Does it matter what he cared for his ex, she's the EX. Obviously, they didn't stay together forever and ever in romantic fairy tale land. Just because he cared deeply about her, does not mean he still cares. Haven't you ever had an ex you loved too? And did that ever mean you couldn't love again? No. Here you are, loving again. Don't mix his not telling you he's loved you with him not being capable of loving you (because he's already loved before).
So he blocked off facebook. Be happy. The ex is now formally out of the window, and plenty of women wishes their boyfriend would do the same with their exes. Yet this doesn't comfort you, quite the opposite you read into it exactly what you want to read into it: an explanation for why he doesn't love you/hasn't said he loves you. Because to you, that could be the only explanation?
Some people take their time falling in love or LOVING someone deeply and truly. Be happy he isn't rushing into things, because then if he does tell you you will know it's true. But you've been on and off since January. I don't blame the man if he's feeling uncertain about where this is going, and he's keeping the cards close to his heart. Let him develop his feelings in his own speed, and when he feel safe enough in the relationship he'll open up to you.
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