A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Through out the years, I have had a lot of bad experiences with Facebook so I deleted mine a long time ago. My boyfriend has been using his again lately. The reason this upsets me is because he has been talking to some of his female friends on there. He has some of his ex's on there, some girls from his work, and others. I just don't know what he's really up to on there I guess. He's a really attractive guy and very sweet, and recently my boyfriend has been saying since he's been using Facebook again, a lot of girls have been flirting with him on there and wanting to get to know him. Just a few days ago my boyfriend said an ex of his added him and wanted to catch up on old times. Well, she ended up sending him pictures and flirting with him and being very inappropriate. My boyfriend said he told her he was in a relationship and that they can only be friends. I'm glad he's been honest with me about it, but like...I don't know. I feel threatened by these girls. I know that sounds pathetic. This has been very stressful for me and has been starting to cause problems in my relationship. It's only been going on recently. There was no drama or stress in our relationship until he started using his Facebook and other social media again, but he's not realizing that it's becoming a problem. I don't have a Facebook so I can't check his page, and even if I could there would probably be stuff on there that would upset me. What should I do?
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facebook, flirt, his ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (30 January 2014):
Ive said this before, but the next positive thing I see come from Facebook or Twitter will be the first.
I don't have a Facebook account, I have never missed out on a single thing I wanted to see or a person I wanted to interact with. With that, I will likely never have a Facebook account - I don't see a single positive thing that would come from it.
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (30 January 2014):
Two questions for you:
Do you trust him? Is he doing anything wrong (inappropriate)?
It's not his fault he's good looking and girls hit on him. As long as you trust him and he continues to behave appropriately then what's the problem?
If, deep down you really aren't sure you trust him then that's another story. If he's really not trustworthy then Facebook will not be what makes him cheat, his unfaithfulness will be to blame, with or without Facebook.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2014): The only person this is a problem to is yourself, not him. He isn't going to be aware of this as a problem though unless you tell him, so why not tell him that some of the girls he chats to make you feel uncomfortable. If he's a decent guy who values his girlfriend then I'm sure he'll understand and consider your feelings. He's been honest about these girls intentions, that is something positive to hold onto. He could have easily kept this hidden from you if he was the sort of guy to go behind your back and indulge in this extra attention from other females. Jealously is jealousy and its natural to a degree, but do you trust your boyfriend? That's what it all boils down to. If you trust him then you can trust him to know where to draw the line with female flirts. If not, then this is another issue entirely that lies within you. Whether he can be trusted or not, if you have trust issues then you'll never trust him.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (29 January 2014):
 You should tell him that you aren't, like, happy that he makes and keeps contact with his old - and new - girl "friends" on Facebook.....
... and that if he, like, chooses to keep hanging on Facebook to, like, keep contacting them.... that YOU will have no choice except to, like, tell him "good-bye"... cuz you, like, don't want to be "second" in his life...
Good, like, luck....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2014): You must have an adult, but frank, discussion with your boyfriend. Not an argument, or list of your rules and regulations.
Before anything else, make sure your insecurities are in check. Unbridled jealousy is just a symptom of immaturity; and your boyfriend has no responsibility to appease you for that. That's your problem to deal with. If you know it's not just insecurity; then proceed to address the issue.
If you have no evidence, make no accusations.
Remind him that he knows you aren't on Facebook; and if he's going to actively exchange regular communication with other girls on social media, it is going upset you. You feel he is being inconsiderate of your feelings. It's a legitimate concern and an unfair advantage.
He has a right to have friends; but he is placing undue stress on his relationship carrying on with exes and flirting. That's pushing the envelope; and there is no innocence behind it. He's taking advantage of the fact you don't know what he's up to.
I don't care how nice he is. He knows right from wrong, and you're not an idiot. Don't idolize him or place him up on a pedestal. He is human. Allow no man to make you feel as a fool.
You can neither regulate his use of social media; nor do you have a right to select his friends. The ratio of males to females is only relevant, if all the females happen to be single and available.
You do have a right to intervene in behavior that is adversely effecting your relationship, or hurting your feelings. If it reaches the point of argument, and he is strongly resisting your concerns. Then consider the possibility that you are far more into the relationship than he may be.
It usually helps when you level the playing field. You need to setup your own social network and support system. To include male and female friends, that you can depend on to give you added confidence. When the balance is tilted too much in your partner's favor, you have to adjust the scale.
Whining and bitching is irritating, disingenuous, and counterproductive. Make more friends of your own, and become more independent. Put your foot down, and stand your ground when he crosses the line of confidence and trust. Otherwise, shut-up or put up.
When there is a stalemate or impasse between you and your boyfriend about other women, resort to logic and minimize emotion.
If he is unwilling to compromise,that means he's up to something no good, and it's too good to stop. Then stop whining about how much you love him. He's now being a jerk.
You're just being a wimpy whiny girlfriend.
So if the time comes that you have to make a tough decision; you'll have all the love and support you need; because you have your own network of supportive friends who will be there for you, if you have to kick his ass to the curb.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2014): I wouldn't accept that ex thing at all OP. I'm not jealous type and I'm not insecure, but I will not have a guy blatantly sniff around my wife if she doesn't deal with it. She wouldn't have me allow an ex to act that way with me either, she'd expect me to get rid of them again.
I have plenty of female friends on facebook and in real life that I hang out with, but there's a line I won't cross and I don't remain friends with exes anyway.
OP having female friends is okay if he knows how to deal with them and he knows his boundaries. So figure out what are yours.
Saying he can't use facebook or have female friends is a bit too strict of a boundary. You have to trust him too, OP. but part of that trust has to be how he handles it, and frankly befriending an ex again, someone he has history with is a step too far if you ask me. There was no need.
Again though those are just my personal boundaries. My wife is very flirty when we're out and stuff but she knows where the line is and she won't befriend, or remain friends with guys who might be interested in her that way. It's not fair on them if she unintentionally feeds that and it's also the basis of our trust that neither of us feed other people's desires.
I have exes on Facebook but I never talk to them. I get the odd happy birthday message and that's it. I have had some drunkenly want to catch up, but that's been incredibly rare, and we're together so long now she knows I'm well past responding to other women flirting with me.
OP you have to consolidate your paranoia, the fact he's good looking and how much you can trust him. Think about your boundaries, make them as fair as possible and try and get over the idea of him having female friends and trust him.
It would not be too restrictive in my mind for him to limit or cut off contact with an ex. Old times be damned, history should stay in the past.
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