A
female
age
30-35,
*arissarose21
writes:I have dealt with this issue for most of my life and it's slowly killing me inside and I'm afraid will slowly over time kill my relationship if I don't stop. I am extremely insecure about myself, I have very low self esteem for reasons sometimes I honestly do not understand. My boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months and he is truly amazing to me. Both of us have never been so happy and in love before and our relationship is honestly perfect except for my deep insecurity issues that I'm afraid will affect our relationship, more than the tiny bit it already has. He tells me almost every day how he thinks I'm the most beautiful thing he's ever seen, can't keep his eyes/hands off me etc. I always have people telling me how beautiful I am (I work in cosmetics sales so I interact with dozens of people every day) Yet I am still so insecure about myself that even the idea of him getting sexually turned on by another girl gives me the creeps and makes me sick. It doesn't matter if it's a girl walking on the street, or an actress on TV. Looking is one thing, I can look at an attractive woman and appreciate her beauty just the same as I can do for an attractive guy. But I don't look at them the way men seem to, and when I am in love and in a committed relationship with someone, I only have eyes for them. I don't care to check others out, and I pay little attention to celebrities. I also don't watch porn because I think about how I would feel if my boyfriend watched it when I wasn't there. We have an amazing sex life and when I masturbate I think about him. I have been thinking about this for the past week and it's really affecting me. I know this is an immature way of thinking to most but I guess I'm not the only one... A few months ago I asked him casually when the last time he ever watched porn was (it was really the first time we had a conversation on the matter). He said it was around a month or 2 ago at the time. Now I'm NOT going to get into the whole porn debate, all I'm going to say is that I was deeply hurt that he watched it when we were dating and basically told him it was a deal breaker for me and it's not something I want in my relationship. The idea of my boyfriend orgasming to other beautiful girls having sex honestly cripples me to the point where I would rather be single if I caught him lying to me about it. But of course the thought of losing him would be horrible, and I would be stupid to let a good guy go. He was very sweet and caring on the matter and said its totally fine, it's not something that he needs and he doesn't agree with the "all guys do it" mentality, he tries to prove to me all the time through his actions that he's not like other guys and I know he's not, he's a good man. Even though this happened a while ago, I found myself the other day checking his internet history while he was in the shower. I found nothing, but who knows if he deleted anything or not. I feel absolutely horrible for snooping yet part of me wants to go back and check the rest just to see.WHAT IS MY PROBLEM? I have this wonderful amazing man who hasn't really given me a solid reason not to trust him, yet I still can't trust fully. He has been cheated on and had his heart broken in the past and I know for a fact he would never cheat on me. I KNOW these are my own insecurities talking, but it doesn't help that I'm also a cynic and someone who just doesn't trust others in general. I know I need therapy for something like this. Any small arguments we've gotten into have been because of my insecurity issues. As I am writing this, I just got home from seeing the new Ninja Turtles movie with my boyfriend. I drove home (alone) crying because all I was thinking during the movie was of how insecure I was. I would keep looking over at him during the movie to see if he was checking out Megan Fox, and then the few times she came on the screen my mind would just start thinking all these crazy things like "what is he thinking right now" "I bet he thinks she's sexy" and a few times he scratched his leg and I got so scared it was because he had a boner LOL. It sounds soooo crazy when I type this out but this is honestly what my mind does to me. I don't want to feel this way, the need for control of his thoughts and opinions on other women. I have major trust issues from past relationships that I know are carrying their way into this one, and I know it's my job to fix it. Please no harsh comments, I know I might very naive but this issue is really the root of all my anxiety/depression. Any similar stories or words of advice would be great.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2014): Before we get into anything else, why haven't you gone to a doctor or a therapist for a clinical evaluation for anxiety and depression?
It's your health, and most health-plans offer coverage for mental-health services. Even if you can't afford it; there are social programs at the city and state-level, that will see that you get the help you need. All you need to do is pickup the phone, or your doctor will give you a referral for a specialist. Don't be afraid of the stigma. It's an illness, it's just in your mind. It could even be side-effects from your birth-control. If you've always had anxiety and depression;it's safe to speculate there may be an underlying mental disorder.
You go on and on about how well he treats you. If you don't get help for yourself you will definitely destroy what you have. He feels he is doing everything he can to reassure you. He is going to question what's wrong with you eventually. He probably already notices, but is doing his best to be a good boyfriend in spite of your quirks.
He will at some point feel an overload. He comforts you almost constantly.
That isn't his responsibility in a relationship. To shower you with compliments and around the clock praise like a child. You're being a strain on the relationship, and getting professional counseling and therapy may help you to learn how to control your panic and unmanageable impulses.
You know snooping through his phone was wrong. You could get caught, and then you will put your relationship at risk. He has to trust YOU! He isn't going through your personal things. He has been a great guy. He deserves better than having his privacy violated, and being constantly questioned about his character and loyalty. If he wrote me a post, about what you've done; I would suggest he leave you. You need help and you need it urgently.
Your insecurities are not based on what was done to you by anyone else in past relationships. So don't even imply that to be the case. You describe issues with jealousy, possessiveness, and obsession. These all combined are creating such anxiety, I cannot believe you've never been treated or hospitalized. I think they are symptoms of illness that was with you for years and no one did anything
about it. Just writing it off as some kind of phase you'll grow out of. Perhaps it is, and you may be a bit of a drama-queen who likes to write.
If you get the professional-help you need, just knowing you have a medical support-system at your disposal; and a therapist for counseling, you will take a huge weight off your shoulders.
Were you sexually-abused as a child, and never told anyone?
You deserve to have someone to care for you, but he deserves to feel comfortable that you trust him; and that being good to you is fully appreciated, and reciprocated from your end. I know you are not well; so I will not come down hard, but I won't coddle you either.
You know right from wrong. It is wrong to go through someone's personal things, and you don't have the kind of guy who isn't open and honest. Don't pretend like you have absolutely no control at all; or you'd already be in a mental hospital.
He is rarely out of your sight, and he has to be away from you to work, and he has a life away from just being your boyfriend. You cannot hold him hostage and under obligation to constantly feed your neediness, and pandering to your insecurities. Pleading to your vanity and stroking your ego.
It's like trying to fill a bucket with a big hole in the bottom. I know you can't help the anxiety, but you are cognizant of your behavior; so it's not as if you're driven by blind-impulses. You know you're wrong. There is no medicine that will make you a good person. Only alleviate your anxiety, and lift your depression. That in conjunction with psychotherapy. You may be exaggerating, but you describe something that seems pretty serious.
There may be chemical imbalances in the brain yet to be tested and treated. So the sooner you seek treatment, the sooner you get to the bottom of your worries. You will also have to explain your behavior to your boyfriend. He has no obligation to put up with your misbehavior, but it would be better than keeping him in the dark. I'm sure he's smart enough to know there is something wrong. You are too anxious over his masturbating; and you give a vivid description of textbook obsessive-behavior.
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (20 August 2014):
Honey, I think you need counseling, sincerely. I was pretty jealous when I was younger also, but it seems as though it's crippling you and that's going to be difficult if not impossible to beat back on your own. This is the sort of thing that ruins relationships- eventually he WILL get very tired of having to constantly reassure you that he doesn't find anyone else attractive, ever. (Which would be a lie)
I do hope you find a good therapist to help you get to the bottom of it.
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