A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I was with my ex for about 4 years. We broke up around 4 months ago due to constant fighting. I was nagging and complaining about not being treated very well and as a result he'd push me farther away. The more I tried to work things out, the worse it got. During our breakup, he messaged me at least once every week. I was standing my ground and moving on with my life and was doing "okay" for the most part. It was a breakup that I'd saw coming so I was somewhat emotionally prepared. I never stopped loving him and am still in love with him. He was my first true love.Anyway, during those 4 months neither one of us really moved on. Neither of us dated nor hooked up with anyone and his reason for not doing so was because we'd broken up before and he didn't think it was a true breakup. He assumed we'd take a break from the fighting and be together again in the end. I didn't get with anyone else because I simply wasn't interested. I had no desire to be in a relationship and was just working as much as possible and working on myself.The biggest issue I had with him was his making me feel lonely. He would often neglect me, sometimes not hearing from him for 2 or 3 days. He showed signs of this in the beginning of our relationship 4 years ago, then it stopped and he let himself get close to me in which we were unseperable. He has a history of emotionally abandoning his past girlfriends, and even his ex wife, of 15 years ago. He almost seems uncapable of maintaining a long emotionally healthy relationship.He's 36, had 8 sex partners (including me), and myself and his last 3 ex's, along with his ex-wife pursued him, not him pursuing them. He once told me that almost all of his ex's just "fell in his lap". Almost like they were interested and he just went with it. Kind of like "okay, why not". He would probably be happy being single for the rest of his life if he had an endless collection of porn. He's said straight out that he doesn't need a relationship and he even once told me he doesn't "share emotions" with women. I think his upbringing has A LOT to do with this. He was emotionally abandoned by his mother, often given money and told to get lost so she didn't have to deal with him. He's since lost his mother, father and brother and it seems as if he's had NO ONE in his entire life really give a damn about him.About 3 weeks ago we started talking on a daily basis. He told me that he loves me and never stopped loving me and that he just couldn't take the fights anymore. He told me that he wants to try again and how he doesn't want things to be the same anymore. He told me he would do his part if I was willing to give it a go. Since we've started talking again, I've made it clear that I will NOT accept the neglectful behavior. He asked me to get back together but I told him no and that I wanted actions and not words. He's been in contact every day and seems to be trying.Here's the problem; I'm already feeling the same emotion I felt 4 months ago. I spent the day with him on Saturday and Sunday (no sex) and it was like old, happy, laughter filled times but since I left his company on Sunday night, we've rarely spoken. He sent me a message on facebook yesterday around 3pm to let me know he'd taken care of something I'd asked of him. I messaged him back with this sweet loving message of how great it was to spend the weekend with him and followed it up with an "i miss you" and he said "i miss you too". That was at 4pm, YESTERDAY. I haven't heard anything since then, even though he was on and off fb ALL night last night after that up until about 2 this morning. He even commented on other friends posts, but didn't once make a real attempt to talk to me. He hadn't been on fb since 2am, until about an hour ago. He got on facebook and right away posted a picture on my timeline of a joke picture and said "this would so be you" and that was it. No real contact, at all. No message, no call, no text, no nothing. Just a picture on my timeline. I'm already feeling like I'm going to waste my time and am too irritated to say anything to him, or even comment on the picture at all. I'm basically acting like I haven't saw it. This hurts me more than anything because he just isn't here for me, emotionally. He may message me tonight, idk, but I'm already tired of wondering "what if". Getting back together was HIS idea, he chased me the entire time of our BU and it's funny 'cause he contacted me more when we were broken up than he is now while trying to work things out with me. I just don't get it. This is the chance he wanted and it doesn't seem like anything's changed. I'm feeling down right now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2014): i had a bf with the same behaviour traits who at the beginning of our relationshp we would talk all day and even sometimes all night and then suddenly, in the course of our relationship. he started not talking to me 2-3 days.I am the one who would make an effort of at least communicating but to no avail. i started being insecure wondering whether he did not think I am worth his type,i would cry myself to sleep wondering to myself what i did wrong He would text a HAE and keep quiet the whole day.It reached a point where i realized i was begging for his attention since i loved him and was losing myself in the process. I had become desperate and i had to talk to someone who would look at the relationship objectively and that friend made me realize it was unhealthy relationshp since I am a person who naturally wants to feel connected emotionally with her lover So i quit the relationship and am trying to gain my usual secure contented with what i have before this relationship......
A
female
reader, Staceily  +, writes (29 October 2014):
 All I can say is this is who he is. You are trying to make him into something he is not. He doesn't open up or communicate the way you do. By giving this another go you will be repeating the same things all over again. You simply are incompatible. I understand it's frustrating and upsetting, but you can't change people. You have had 4 years with him, no amount of telling him what you want or fighting or breaking up in the past has made a difference. You need to accept him for who he is, if he doesn't make you happy and you feel neglected then you need to find someone else. I think he truly doesn't understand what you need because he doesn't have the same needs you do, I don't think he is neglecting you on purpose or even realizes what he is doing to you. You are on two different wave lengths here. I think it would be best for you to continue your break up and work on yourself to meet someone better suited for you in the future.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 October 2014):
 I think by the fourth year you know that fighting isn't going to bring emotional expression out of him. You feel so dead that even fighting is better than dealing with a vacuum. What you want from him isn't what he's able to deliver naturally. He would have to copy lines from online or on the magazine and you know it will sound topical. If this is something missing from his brain, practicing will not make it perfect. The lack of emotion maybe an extreme male trait and that got you attracted to him. It's hard to squeeze blood from a stone and telling him over and over again what he's supposed to do in a relationship is not going to make him want to do it. He could be staying with you because you are his 8th partner and he knows that the next girlfriends would be the same way. Nagging and complaining. It's not that you are not the one. He knows it's his problem and he hopes that in time he would feel what he's supposed to feel. When he talked about how he doesn't need a relationship and could survive on porn that's his defense. He can think women are demanding and annoying all he wants but deep down it might bother him that he's somewhat not normal. If you are not happy you can justify leaving. You can teach a person how to communicate better, how to be kind but you can't teach desire to connect. It's either there or not. You are sticking by him to find out if there's something wrong with you that made him withdraw and cling on to his freedom. Trust me, besides the fighting, this is his problem and will be an ongoing problem.
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