A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Women in particular, I'm looking for some advice.My fiance and I recently split up actually about 8 days ago after 5 years. I found what I thought was cheating, I'm not sure if she was sleeping with the guy or just good friends, when I asked her directly, she said she's never done that, albeit she lied to me about who he was and where she was, several times. When the breakup night occured, I got angry and asked for my rings back. About a month before she and I got into an arguement about time spent together, which has always been an issue for us. I would like to spend more time, and she wanted less with me. Anyway, I started seeing much more distance between her, and she started to hang with this man a lot more, which made me jealous. She claimed the man was originally a client, but then later became a friend.I believe the breakup was a misunderstanding, I was angry and since have tried to reconcile the relationship. I learned about what made me angry (fear of losing her) and found that since the beginning of that month that she has grown distant because she feels she can't "let me into heart" which she knows is an issue for me. She wants patience from me to decide because she is leaving the state in about 2 months, and I may not see her until December. When I asked her directly if she had thought about reconciling, she said that she doesn't know whether to be done, friends, wait until next year, or go back with me now. She did say that she would be cautious to go back immediately because of her fear that I may become angry, and wants to see me calm for awhile. I'm understanding that. She knows that I want to reconcile, however she has said a few things that I don't think I completely understand, so I would like some help...1) She wants space, and this time that means she decides to see me about every 2-3 days, last night being the latest with 30 minutes. She came to my house, and we just talked about stuff in general. when I asked if we could go out and do stuff, movies, etc, she said that every 3-4 days was fine, and she didn't want it to go to my head.2). She calls me at least once a day, sometimes two, and text messages me at least 15-40 times per day. Why would she call me, but not want to see me?3.) She says she has intense feelings for me. She tells me she loves me, but it's obvious to me that it isn't the same. What exactly would 'intense" mean?4), When we do talk or IM each other, she's very vague on what she says. When I will ask her a direct question on IM, sometimes she won't respond just change the subject. I don't know if she is thinking about it or just doesn't wwant to answer.5). Her latest concern with me is that she believes I have an anger issue, I do, but after this shock and my loss, I got a quick eye opener as to what I lost, and I'm keeping it in check. She said it will take her time to see it, my question is, won't she miss that opportunity if she doesn't take the opportunity to see me?6.) We had a custom ring built. It took the jeweler about 9 months to build, when I gave it to her, she wouldn't let it out of her sight. About 2 weeks prior to the "breakup" she would quit wearing it. Initially she said it hurt her fingers after awhile, then later she said she looked at it and couldn't decide if she could be the wife it represented. I wonder if she took it off for being guilty of something?7.) some people have said that she is playing a game, and keeping me at the end of the chain, and pulling it in when she chooses, and checking out what she wants in life. I certainly respect the part that she needs to see what she wants/needs, but most couples that breakup over matters like these, stop talking to each other. We are talking more now than we did the entire month before the breakup. Does this mean she is still interested? 8.)I feel like the balls always in her court, so if I stop being available, and not answering calls whenever she would like, would that mean she would start to miss me and perhaps make her self available more often? Or would that make her believe that I'm getting over it/angry and she won't try to talk to me at all. I always have answered her messages/calls whenever I could, because she has a tighter schedule than I do. I want to be extremely careful with this because I don't want to lose my opportunity.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): she is using you, best thing you can do for yourself is get her well and truely out of your life. If she loved you she would want to spend more time with you, she treaats you badly. make a final break and let this one go, believe me she isnt worth a bat.
A
female
reader, fabulousone +, writes (2 June 2009):
No. It's not a misunderstanding. She's sleeping around on you and/or having an emotional affair.
I 'cheated' on my ex with my boyfriend now. I put cheated in quotations because this ex was never around as much as I wanted and he was kind of verbally abusive.
So I started going on 'dates' with my current boyfriend.
I stopped doing things with my ex and being available. I would still talk to him/see him regularly but clearly not as much as I had been. I put much needed distance between us and stopped being victimized and finally crushed his heart so bad he probably cries himself to sleep still.
Now, you can keep the girl if you want. I wouldn't. She's had 3 years to make herself more available to you and hasn't wanted to. (You said she didn't want to..which should be a red flag for you if your own girlfriend doesn't *want* to see/do things with you.) What does that mean? Well, you keep the rings or you pawn them. Do NOT talk to this girl again because clearly she's a user and doesn't quite care about the things you need/want in a relationship. (and trust me, being 'there' is a very, VERY important need in a relationship)
Do you honestly want her to mother your children? What about the risk of her abandoning them to go on dates with whomever she is/is not sleeping with?
In my opinion, she's lost out. She took whatever faith you had in her and threw it out the window. She also didn't care that much about what she did.
Leave her. Don't look back. And find yourself a real woman who will care for you like you need.
Also..don't call, text, e-mail or visit her. Ever again. Tell her it's over and leave it over. Don't ponder getting back with her--just leave her alone. Give her what she wants if she wants it so badly. Take the power back from her, keep it, and wait until the right girl comes along and be able to give her a very full heart. (Cos this one you're seeing now is NOT the right girl or your soulmate.)
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