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female
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*iglag27
writes: My partner left his on/off girlfriend of 7yrs to be with me. we've been together seriously for 1 1/2 yrs now. He said that he didnt feel connected with his ex anymore and that we are much better suited because he can now show his emotional side and is comfortable telling me things he couldnt tell her. She became friends with his sister and has a close connection with his family. Since their breakup, they decided to remain friends although I know that she comes to his family's house to see him, using the excuse that she is visiting his sister and children. She didnt know about me. This went on for a few months and he didnt tell her that he was seeing someone else. I persuaded him to let her know that he was dating because he could be leading her on unintentionally and when he did, she took it hard. She called everyday and made every single excuse that she needed him and his support because he promised her that even though they had broken up, that he would always be there for her if she needed him. She asked him to leave me so that they could be together and he seriously considered it for a while because he said he was confused-that he loved her for 7yrs and he also loved me now. In the end he told her that he chooses me and that they could only be friends. She continued with the phone calls and messages and this cause us to have many arguments cause now im so imsecure about him calling her back because my ex husband left me for someone else. She went on a little holiday and that gave our relationship a bit of a break but as soon as she was back in the country the sms and calls started again. I know I shouldn't have interfered and dated him when they were still on the verge of break up but we both want to work on our relationship and its too late to turn the clock back. My boyfriend doesnt want to be an arsehole and tell her to stop calling because of all the stress it causes our relationship but what should we do? I really dont mind her calling to say hello every so often but not every single week. She obviouly wants to win him back. What do I do? Just deal with my insecurities and let it ride its course or try to tell her to stop?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2006): It is a little difficult to give advice on this situation because I don't know the other view points involved, but from what I am reading if I understand correctly, your boyfriend started up with you when he was in a relationship with her. You say your husband left you for someone else, well isn't that what your boyfriend did to her? Seven years of history together is quite a lot so I am sure that makes things kind of difficult for you to compete with as your relationship is much shorter, but I am concerned that your boyfriend does not have the balls to make a committment to you...if I were in your shoes I would not put up with her calling and texting especially since she asked him to leave you so they could be together, she does not want to be his friend, which should include you in that scenario, she wants him period. I don't think ultimatums usualloy work in a relationship, but I would tell him that he can't have you both and he needs to decide between the two of you....I would move out and give him his space to do that, and I would not return until I had a committment, I don't believe in living together before marriage because I don't think it leads to marriage, and it is not an indicator of whether or not you will last in a marriage....it is like one foot in the door and one foot out and this is the kind of thing you get with that deal....Negotiate something else, decide what it is you want out of this relationship and ask for it, and if he does not want to give it to you tell him you understand and please for your sake move on.
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