A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A couple years ago, I let someone I foolishly trusted during a vulnerable time in my life convince me into filming us during sex for 30 seconds max. He ended up showing his friends in their secret FB group that night, but I couldn't get to his FB account so I took his phone and physically deleted the video from his phone myself. It's two years later and we no longer are really in contact, as he lives in a different country now. Somehow, this memory was placed in the back of my head for two years until recently, and I feel very ashamed and guilty about the whole incident. I was so distraught I ended up messaging him about it and asked if he could take it down. Thankfully, he told me not to worry, and that the group was deleted a couple years ago/shortly after the incident so it no longer existed. I thanked him profusely and he was very kind about it, unlike other guys who refuse to delete it and then threaten to post it everywhere. I also thought it was a good sign he didn't respond by saying "Yeah sure, I'll take it down" cause that would've meant it still was floating around.However, I can't help but think what if there is that small chance he's lying. I know he doesn't really have a reason to do anything malicious with it IF it's still around, as we have been very civil with one another and he has also had a serious girlfriend for the last two years, but it scares me to think of the possibility that it might still be there and that the group was not really deleted, but rather inactive. Out of my neuroticism, I sent a report to FB to investigate his profile/groups and see if the group with "abusive content" still existed. It's anonymous, nothing will happen if they find nothing, and if they do, they won't ban him or do anything severe that he'll have a reason to get pissed at me.Do you think that there's a good chance he meant what he said? When I thanked him and explained to him that I felt ashamed about it and that most guys are jerks about that kind of thing, he said, "I know, but I'm not an asshole." Obviously, he was an asshole for what he did two years ago, but I want to think that he probably realized it was a dumb thing for him to do and that it was the right thing to take it down. I'm trying hard to forget about the whole thing cause it makes me feel horrible inside, especially since I'm seeing someone new. How do I deal with this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2013): Once something hits the internet, it's there indefinitely. He wanted to reduce your anxiety, but there is nothing he can do about it, once it hits cyberspace. It will fizzle with time, and no one he knows will really recall it. They probably don't by now. He was a jerk, it haunts him too.
I think you shouldn't allow this to cripple you with guilt; because it was just a mistake in judgement. You have to also take into account the quality of the video, being amateur. The lighting, angles, and you've changed in two years.
Unless your boyfriend is a trained filmmaker; I think it may be hard for anyone to recognize the participants. You can always deny it, unless there are zooming closeups, distinguishing birthmarks, or tattoos. You have to get on with your life, and accept this as a youthful mistake. It is the consequence of bad judgment. Regret.
Your post is a lesson to other young ladies. I've sent advice to young teen girls whose boyfriends pressure them into sexting and sending nude pics. This will warn the readers of what it's like after the fact.
Please forgive yourself. It isn't so much the video bothering you, it's living with your guilt. Getting over it. That is the hardest part. That is all that can be done. Completely wishing the video out of existence is unrealistic.
This will pass. By sending your post, you have helped others. There is some redemption in that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2013): OP why worry about something you can't change?
If it's out there and on the internet, it's there for good. You may aswell just assume and take his word that it's gone for good. That's what I'd do. Look if you never see it again or hear of someone finding it and telling you, then that's the only proof you'll have it didn't make it online isn't it?
So just assume it's not because there is zero way of proving it's not if you know what I mean. You will never be able to physically satisfy your need to know and the chances of anyone you know ever finding it online are practically zero aren't they?
OP he made a private group. he could have just as easily put it on a porn site and send them the link but he didn't.
My friends have shown me lots of their ones privately and while you should always assume they'll upload it as a means to not do it, if it's already done then you really shouldn't worry.
Besides OP, it's only sex, nothing to be ashamed of, sure it's nice to keep it private but if it's not then who cares? It's not a shameful act worthy of embarrassment.
Just take him at his word that you don't have to worry, if it was online you'd have heard it about by now.
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