A
female
age
36-40,
*ola16182
writes:My ex whom I was with for 2.5yrs is begging me for 1 more chance. He was emotional abusive but was always saying things as "jokes" n I told him this is unacceptable but he says he didnt realize it made me this upset til now. He's 26 but is very immature still and needs to grow up. He also has a history of pathological lying about small things. We have been broken up for 2wks n he's mssged 4 different girls to "go out for coffee" which can be platonic I suppose but 2 of these incidents happened while we were still together. All these girls r single n his mssges contained things like "Let me take u out for ice cream" or "Sorry I had to creep u on here but I was so disappointed that we couldnt talk more the other night, how about u give me a call and we'll go out for dinner", I creeped n found these as private mssges and to me those parts don't sound so platonic.Anyway yesterday he was begging and crying saying he would do anything if I would just give him 1 day to hang out and talk about stuff and that I can ask him a million questions about anything and he will tell me everything. He admitted about 2 of the girls when we were broken up but he was still promising he wouldnt go see anyone else and only wanted me. He admitted he was going out and being social, but said it wasn't meant to go any further than going for coffee, which I did find out that they all turned him down anyway. I'm still waiting on 1 girl as his ex contacted him soon after we broke up and asked if they could hang out. (This girl cheated on him and he had told me in the past he would never talk to her again and hated her, etc.) He said sure whats your #? She gave it to him and he told her he'd call her this week. That one he hasn't admitted to and doesnt know I know. That happened before last night's discussion.Anyway I told him I'd give him the 1 day to talk things over but thats all i could give. He vowed to change and cried that he knows he was wrong and that he was eventually going to lose me if he kept acting like this but doesnt know why he kept doing it. He said he will do anything...said he'd show me his facebook mssges about the girls he messaged, will announce to the world that he loves me and wants only me, he says he wants to marry me and that even though I can't trust him he will do everything for the rest of his life to prove to me I can. I told him he had alot of qualitites of depression and being a sociopath---so he said he will go to the hospital n get an evaluation or go for counsellingWhat do u guys think? Is he being genuine and is capable of change? Like a "he doesnt know how good he had it til it's gone"--and it maybe taught him a lesson and showed him that I've got a backbone and won't put up with his crap?
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female
reader, Barefootwench  +, writes (29 May 2009):
Im pretty much in a similar situation as you...Told me he could change and didnt know why he was doing such stupid hurtful things...
They didnt stop and only got worse...
You cant just say you will stop doing something if its a habit...Some men like the attention and to feel wanted by many women, regardless of if they are with someone or not.
You can do better. I have decided that if anyone I am with next time disrespects me in such a manor, that my trust is gone as well as me. I care about myself too much to let someone mistreat me like that.
Learn to love yourself and a happy healthy relationship will follow...Take some time without boys...
Im trying right now and its hard and hurts, but I hope in the long run I can find someone who could never do anything to hurt me.
Im not saying dont give him a chance, just dont expect miracles and dont be surprised if your constantly stressed and paranoid because you dont trust him anymore...And well if he does do it again. Are you willing to put youself through that kind of heartache?
Hope you figure things out and have a happy ending whichever way it may go :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): The only lesson he's learned is that he can sweet talk you back into anything and you'll buy it. Promising you the future and dedicating the rest of his life to making you happy? How is he going to do that when he can't even do something as simple as not chasing other women? Sounds like a lot of pie in the sky talk if you ask me. Genuine change comes from hard work, not empty promises. That's one red flag that his words aren't real- sincere people don't promise you the world- manipulative ones do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): I am in a slightly similar situation to you so felt i could possibly help a bit. I have been back in a relationship with someone for three months now who i took back after i snooped on his phone and found he had been texting another girl. There were also other issues such as him not being very committed to the relationship in other ways. We broke up for two months and for a month of that did not speak until he messaged me out of the blue begging to get back with me and saying he'd made a huge mistake and promising to change all of the ways he'd been a bad boyfriend in the past.
I had been so upset without him that I knew i couldnt live with the regret if i didnt give it another go, so I did. He admitted from the start stuff that i had read but that he didnt know i knew which helped as if he hadnt done that I would have known from the start that I couldnt trust him. He has changed a lot and is much more committed and willing to change more things for me. The only thing I would say is there is only so much someone can change and this is something i have learnt. If he is a million miles away from the person you want to be in a relationship with then i don't think he can change that much,it is expecting too much, so its a case of either picking out some of the most important things that you want him to change and dealing with some of the other smaller flaws, or accepting that he will never completely change and moving on.
Also there is the big issue of your own insecurities and whether you can get past the betrayal. It sounds a lot easier than it is believe me. It will cause arguments. So from someone who has taken to option to take him back, you really need to think about what you want and what you can put up with. I myself feel slightly stuck in a constant battle to get him to make all the changes i want, and as soon as one thing changes something else seems to slip so i have realised that its more difficult than it seems, words and easy but actions are another matter. I hope this helps. x
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