A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I was hoping I could ask for advice really. My problems and questions always seem really long but here goes, i hope you can help. Ok, so I split with my boyfriend a year ago and then got back together, had quite a few shaky problems to start with (trust issues on both our parts) but overall seemed to have mended the relationship. Anyway, lately - (the past few months) ive been out of work and financially its been a struggle. We are just starting to get back onto our feet as i have finally found work again.The past month or so has been tough, I dont know whether it us just me, but I feel as though my boyfriend has become complacent to me again. He spends hours playing computer games online with his friends and also long hours of time making music on his computer. I often find myself flicking through TV channels watching repeats of programmes i dont even like while he switches from one computer to the other - using his headphones. I feel unappreciated and as though i dont exist. I have been trying to keep fit and have long had an obsession with appearance which i think developed from being bullied at school, i know i can be quite demanding with attention at times and this often leads to me being insecure and often jealous of others looks. However, when i was single and we had split up the first few months i was literally an empty vessel drifting in and out of days, i eventually became really strong, moved to London got a decent job got a flat and got back onto my feet enjoying nights out and being able to pick and choose with guys (that might sound superficial) i dont mean it in that respect just my life got a little easier and happier as i found inner strength, independence and freedom. When my boyfriend came back to me we worked things out, he moved to London also, however lived with his 'fairweather' father for a stint until his father got bored of the novelty of having his son living with him, he then moved in with me. The reason we split up in the first place was due to my boyfriend having committment issues, running away from responsiblitles and commitment, "not being ready" and "not in love with em anymore" as it turns out the bachelor life wasnt for him and he wanted me back, realise what he had missed and how much he did love me. He made loads of effort at first with me treating me, spending time with me, being more romantic, sharing, intimate and caring. Now it feels as though im back to the relationship i had previously with him. He doesnt talk to me much, i think he has communication and intimatacy issues, he often does not show emotion and shys away from facing a discussion. I know it has been tough lately money wise but that doenst mean he should cut me off does it?Now he lives with me in my flat (we have lived together before for 5 years) i suggested opening a joint account for bills and having 'one pot' of money so to speak as it would be easier to sort through bills, however he cannot even commit to that. I feel as though i will be struggling along earning less than him and he will be enjoying his money to himself. I dont know, we had joint accounts before and it was easier paying bills and we seemed to have more money left over together. Maybe he doesnt want to share his money, maybe we have different long term goals, maybe he is frightened to commit to sharing money I dont know. He uses phrases which really irritate me such as "until you show me you can do this..." which makes me feel infantilised and like a child. "Im not giving you my money so there...." and another one which was "ok then you pay your rent then yourself..." i did actually do this when i moved here for six months on my own before he moved in so why does he believe i need to prove anything to him? I believe this is absurd as isn't it our rent? we live together dont we? I dont like the idea of separation in a relationship, i feel that we should be open and sharing on all levels. Maybe its just me i dont know.I sometimes feel that since we have got back together, although we do love each other very much we are falling back into old patterns and behaviours, he shys away from talking and spending time with me, i feel isolated and worthless at times, a boring drone which has nothing to say for myself. I often feel that it is me that has to do all the work in the relationship, whether its think of things to do together, save for a holiday, tidy up, make the food, buy the food. It sometimes feel like i have a teenager flat sharing with me. A teenager who play somputer games with his friedns and waits for his tea to be made, cothes to be washed and ironed. I dont know but im not happy with the situation. I think alot of his selfishness, committment and communication issues stem from his father - he left when my boyfriend was very young and had occasiional stints where he would show up for a few weeks in his life. And my partner has learned to withdraw and shut off from problems and talking about things as a coping mechanism for not having a father and learning to deal with situations by burying his head in the sand. He finds it hard to show emotion, romance, intimacy to me which doesnt help my self esteem and confidence. Alot of our arguments are based upon money (he doesnt agree sharing it - eventhough we did this before) and him not spending enough time with me or making the intitiative - its always me. I dont know what to do, i do love the guy and i know he loves me otherwise he wouldnt have come back to me. I have had other stress going on in my life - a friend of mine which i spoke about on here before and people had given me some great advice which i have taken on board and has helped me greatly. I sometimes feel as though i am missing out on something all the time, and that i have nothing to look forward too and no purpose in my life. I was trying to study and finish my degree but as the money situation was tight i have to work full time and by the time i get home, make tea, tidy the house and do the things i want to do (excercise classes / reading) i have no time nor energy to do any work, plus the aggrevation i feel living with a boyfriend who is obsessed with playing computer games. I feel as though i will never be married or start a family, have the career i have worked hard to get, i feel like iove sacrficed my time ebergy and freedom for soemone who is not interested. Ive been with this guy like 7 years now, and he never talks about plans or the future or anything its always me. I dont know if he has lost interst in me, whther he has become complacmeent, or whether he wishes he hadnt come back to me but knows he has nowhere else to go now that his dad kicked him out and both of our families live up north. I dont know what to think. When i try to appraoch him and talk to him about problems he will change the subject or give me some childish sarcastic and snappy reply, ignore me, roll his eyes at me, flip out and throw something (he stabbed a hole into the sink recently) or just walk out for a walk to clear 'his' head then come back home and pretend like nothing has happened. I feel as though hes trying to condition me or manipulate me so that i dont approach him about situations or ask anything of him otherwise he will leave me again, ignore me or whatever. Im not living a life where i feel scared and conditioned to say what i really think and i wont, i think he knows that which is why im asking for your opinions or suggestions to this area of my life. I just dont know how to deal with this at all. I often think him quite selfish at times, and too lazy, he doesnt make the effort with me and make any intiaie with anything and this makes me feel unattractive, unimportant and unhappy with myself. I wasnt like this before he moved in with me. And now the whole separate money thing has annoyed me too. Its not like he cannot trust me with money, for gods sake, before he moved into my flat I was paying ever god damn bill myself, and we have lived together before for 5 years for crying out loud! I dont know whether its just me or what i dont know, but i just wondered if you could help me. Another thing that bothers me about my boyfriend is that when i do say something, he will say something sarcastic back to me, roll his eyes as though im nagging him, ignore me change the subject walk away or he will say something hurtful about my family which infuriates me. Honestly, i dont know how much more i can take. Im starting to feel like i dont matter anymore, i have nothing to say for myself, am unitersting, unimportant and unattractive - i know im none of those things so why am i made to feel that way? I think he forgets what happened - he left me before, left with me nothing, literally, no money, no home, failed my degree, nothing he used me for sex for a few weeks while we werent together before and eventually for my own sanity i moved away picked myself up and then he came back and we sorted things out. There is alot of love there i know there is, but it seems we have hit a brick wall and are falling back into old patters and behaviours. Im fed up of the way hes neglecting me, i am fed up of the childish remarks he makes to me, im sick of the bloody computer, sick of making all the effort, sick of living with a teenage flatmate, and generally just fed up with the whole relationship and situation. I suppose i was hoping for your opinions and advice really on everything ive mentioned and also whether im being unreasonable about the money thing?Thanks very much for taking the time to read this. I hope you can help me.
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bullied, confidence, flatmate, got back together, insecure, jealous, money, moved in, self esteem, shy, split up, video games Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (6 April 2010):
 There is a Chinese saying, A man cannot shed tears until he see's the casket/coffin.'
When he see's that you are really leaving, then he will kaput and do what you want.
It is like a game of poker to him.Playing with your emotions and toying with you like a cat and a mouse.
He is just like my SIL. Three times ,she had to run away from him . The second time , she tried to commit suicide but she lived.
They now have 3 children and are getting along with each other like any normal couples.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answer. I think youre right. He does not listen to a word I say and makes out like im so unreasonable and 'a freak' were his words. I cant do this anymore, its really messing my head up. I think ive come to the conclusion that he's a selfish, committment phobia, emotionally stunted prat to be honest. I cant believe I gave him another chance to come back into my life only to ruin it again. Guess you cant help you love sometimes. But, I havent comethis far just to be put back into the same place i was 2 years ago. There are days where its like a game of chess, just a big mind game. Power relations, a battle for the power, and, he seems to love being able to have the strings to my emtions. For my own sanity I think its best to call it a day. Only 7 years i wasted on him. Nevermind. Thanks for your response though, i honestly thought it was just me.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (5 April 2010):
Men are creatures of habit. When they go out of line , it is time to tell them and if it does not work , you will have to separate to make it sink into his mind .
The only way to make him listen and come to your terms is to leave him .
Nothing except leaving will cure this problem. Tell him that he needs to do what you want or he packs and leave.
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