A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem with my boyfriend. We both live on the West coast and we both met here. We are both from the East coast and most of our friends and family are there. We've been dating for 8 months and we live together. I've met one of his siblings (we had dinner, was very nice) and his mom knows about me and is very happy for us. She sends us gifts in the mail and stuff and always says hi to me, when she calls. But everytime he talks to his friends, he does so when I am not around. I've never heard a single conversation with him and his buddies. He'll step outside to take their calls. He talks to his mom in front of me. But not his friends. I've met one of his buddies who came to visit the west coast with his girlfriend. We had dinner. They didn't seem that intrigued by me. The conversation felt a little forced on my end. On their end, they didn't have much to say to me, it was weird. You know when a guy brings his new girl around, his friends will be intrigued and maybe a little extra nice. I didn't get that vibe. More just non chalance toward me. I chalked it up to nothing important really. But then even after we met, he has never talked to his buddy in front of me or even mentioned that his buddy said hello or anything. I'd take the initiative myself to say hello but he never talks to him in front of me. My boyfriend seemed to be pretty chummy and extra nice with this guy's girlfriend (whom he has only met a couple of times) and had nice things to say about her, and they both had lots of things to talk about. They were even friendly enough so that this chick called my boyfriend herself when we were going to meet up with them. From what Ive seen, I know he is very friendly towards his friend's wives and girlfriends and he makes them feel comfortably integrated into their social circle. I know from pictures I've seen, stories, text messages where both his buddy and wife or girlfriend will be mutually texting with him to shoot the shit and catch up. But I am not a part of that at all. I don't get included in any of this or get any attention or acknowledgment from his friends. Not even a hello. He won't even chat with them in my presence.I feel really excluded. I brought up my concern to him and he was kind of digging up excuses. "You're reading too much into it." "I like to talk in private, just my thing." "You're wrong, I don't talk to or ask about their girlfriends." Blah blah blah. He won't admit it. His mom has invited us to come visit his hometown, where all his friends are and he has been reluctant and puts it off. He's never brought it up to me. I'm starting to have a chip on my shoulder about this. I feel like he is hiding me or something. I just don't know what to think. Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me. I don't see how any of this is normal. Our sex life was good but I've started to hold back a bit from intimacy because of this. I've tried talking to him about it but he doesn't want to acknowledge it which leaves us at square one. It's making me sad and a bit insecure =(I don't know what to do. Help me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2015): Thanks for your insight wiseowle and chigirl.Wiseowle, we both lived seperately and moved in together to a new apartment for the both of us. We've been dating for 8 months but have known each other for over two years. I am not holding back sex on purpose like to punish him. It's just that in not being fully happy, I'm just not in the mood. I broke up with him a couple of weeks ago. I told him I am moving out (I meant it at the time), I left and stayed at a hotel for a few nights to get away and figure something out. He felt so bad and apologized profusely. Told me he loved me, asked me to come back. I was flattered, as I was having doubts. I came back home. But then a couple of days ago he went outside and came back in 40 minutes later and said he was on the phone with two of his buddies. And that's when I asked him why he talks to them in private. And he had a slew of excuses. I'm not going to keep bringing it up. If that's how he wants to be, that's fine. I'm just growing resentful. It's like you say, without transparency there is no trust. And in my growing resentment it is creating distance between us.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 January 2015):
 Either his friends are exluding idiots, or your bf is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2015): When there is no transparency or an open line of communication within a couple, there is no trust.
Your boyfriend is acting as though he doesn't plan to have you around for long. Some guys rely heavily on the opinion of their friends about the company they keep. Maybe your man is unsure of his feelings about you. According to your post; it seems like he's still evaluating whether or not you're a keeper. Who moved-in with whom?
Excuse me, girlfriend?!! Seriously?!! have you lost your mind? You do not holdout on sex!!! Using sex as a weapon will definitely backfire in your face. You can bet the farm on that one! You've only been together eight months so you're still fairly new together. If you feel left-out all the time; consider that a red-flag, if not a total deal-breaker altogether. You should have gotten to know him better before living together.
If I feel left-out, I leave. I don't stick around waiting to be acknowledged. Maybe that's just me.
Now about speaking in private. Apparently your boyfriend has been single for a long-time and he hasn't changed some of his bachelor-habits. Unless he is discussing a personal-problem his friends feel uncomfortable about sharing with you; there is no reason he can't have an open conversation with you in the room.
In all fairness; it does feel uncomfortable for someone to be eaves-dropping on my phone conversations, no matter who it is I'm talking to. I normally leave the room to talk, if it's going to be a long conversation. Merely as a courtesy to anyone in the room who may get annoyed by the chatter.
That is, if I must take the call. I excuse myself and take it in the next room. I'm not exactly sure why you're bothered by it? You can't hear the other-side of the conversation anyway. It's an A and B conversation.
You have talked to him about a few problems and he doesn't seem flexible. Either he will not discuss it; or he's not willing even to meet you halfway. That is a sign he may not be the right boyfriend for you; and he may be thinking you're not the right girlfriend. Shutting you out, mean's he's not letting you in.
I think you moved-in too soon, or let him move-in too soon.
Living together after only eight months? If it doesn't workout, that's pretty inconvenient!
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