A
female
age
36-40,
*edishfairy6
writes:I need advice on communicating. I'm married for the 2nd time. To me I didn't think there where problems with talking about anything. But, ever since we got married I feel like it has just gone downhill. I have depression its been better before but, its gotten to be more of a problem. He just don't seem to want to listen and help me sort though what ever I need to talk about. Its like we said I do now he don't need to be there for me. Our relationship was so much better before we tied the knot. I just dont understand what to do. I give him and do any thing he wants with out complaining I don't ask for much if any thing in return. And I normally don't get any thing in return. Romance has went out the window. I don't know what to do he use to seem to want to talk to me. Talk out my issues now he don't. I don't know if I should give up or keep trying. Is it me? Or is it him? What should I do? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 September 2010):
 Ouch. This is a tough question to answer because we have no idea what is going on in his head. Maybe he's tired of listening to you. Maybe he's a jerk. Maybe he's so exhausted and depressed himself, he can't be there for you like you need and want him to be.
It sounds to me as though you have a great well of unhappiness and sorrow inside you, one that you are having trouble dealing with. You want to be able to work stuff out with him.
I spent some time learning about the different ways men and women communicate and I think this would benefit you as well. There are many books on the topic, but my starting point for you is "You just don't understand" by Deborah Tannen, PhD. She did a very good job explaining the typical male vs. female approaches to communicating and in a non-judgemental way.
I am about to do some sweeping generalizations which I don't like to do but this may help you understand what's happening, so please bear with it. I do not believe that these hold true for EVERY man and EVERY woman on the planet, okay? It's just a way of looking at things that might help you get your mind around the problem.
Men tend to want to solve problems. Women tend to want to discuss problems, then solve them for themselves. We women actually know the answer to most of our dilemmas, but we like to talk ad nauseum about them anyway. That's how we connect to people, though talking and support.
Men like to get things done. A long, drawn out, seemingly endless discussion of something, which he already knows you know the answer to, is terribly unappealing, when he would like to relax, chill out, just be calm after a long day's work.
My husband says we women provide too much context. How many times have you started a story, only to find him already urging you to cut to the chase and just say what the ending is? We like all the richness of detail and nuances of thought and action. They (men) like to get to the bottom line. What's the problem, in 25 words or less? Okay, thanks, here's the answer, now I have to go fix that leaky toilet.
Another thing some of us do is to expect our spouse to be our EVERYTHING. Our best friend, our only friend, our only outlet, our EVERYTHING. This is not fair on the person who has to be the EVERYTHING. It's exhausting being the EVERYTHING. It's impossible to do it well. Men like being the strong one, the one who you turn to in times of crisis and need. But if there is an emotional crisis everyday, um, well, that's much less appealing, especially as they have no doubt already thought about it for you and given you a simple solution for it.
I think you need to assess what it is you are wanting to talk about with him. He is shutting you down for a reason. It may be that he genuinely is a jerk. I suspect though that he might just be sick and tired of having the same discussions over and over again.
I'm not saying you don't have legitimate problems that need discussing. I'm not saying that you don't feel the way you feel. I'm just trying to suggest that you analyze what it is you need discussing and perhaps seek other outlets. Maybe you need to speak to a therapist or counselor about one or more of these problems? Maybe you need to see your doctor and be properly evaluated and treated for depression? Maybe you could use some more sources of emotional support than just your husband?
I don't know what your issues are. They could be huge and life-altering. They could be little annoyances that bother you. But whatever they are, you should think about the differences in male/female communication styles, the support system you have in place now and what would be optimal for you, and also consult professionals as appropriate.
I hope this gives you a starting point for finding your way forward in a positive and balanced way.
Best wishes.
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