A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hello. i need help and advice. i am so sorry this is so long but i have recently split up from my boyfriend of 4.5 years on monday. he is my first love. it was a very very confusing and upsetting situation as to my knowledge everything was going great up until this point. it all started about 3 months ago. he had to get 2 jobs to pay the bills and get the rent meaning he couldn't come and see me at all as he was working a lot and my university timetable clashed. we live in different towns. so for the last three months i've been going to see him every weekend. i have found this hard and have been increasingly telling him this and that the relationship seems quite one sided cos he hasn't come to see me, ive always being going to him. but ive had to bite the bullet and accept this as he just has no time, which is fine and i got used to it eventually. he came back from his home town on new years eve to work and the contract on his second job ended. i think great now he can come see me for a change. i went to see him last weekend as usual not realizing this is the last time. everything was perfect. nothing to suggest a break up at all. however i am so stressed out right now and i am in the last year of university, i cried and told him how stressed i was. he promised me he would come see me monday (5th) and he would help me with my work as he is a graduate now. he also said he would take me out for a meal and spend some quality time together at my house. so monday comes, i ring him and ask him if he is coming and he says no as he has so much to do and had just woken up. he said he needed to find a new job as the bar work won't pay the bills, washing, editing etc. i admit i shouldn't of snapped at him but i did as he promised me he would come see me and its been 3months. after i snapped at him on the phone, he sends me an email saying he doesnt know how much more stress he can take of this relationship and the arguments before he goes crazy. i admit there have been a couple of arguments but we have always worked things out and moved on. after reading this message i completely freak out. i am so upset and heartbroken, i saw this message as a break up. he said he doesn't want to break up with me, he was just telling me how he feels. he was angry and stressed out on the phone to me. i hang up cause i don't want to hear the blame anymore. he txts me and rings me back to tell me he is coming to see me. but because i am so upset i ring him up asking him maybe we should leave it to the next day and talk then. however i didn't realise he was at the train station about to get the train. i say ok its up to you if you get on the train, he says he just wants to go home and clear his head. but becuase i am indecisive i take this quite hard as the whole day had been a disaster. i was a mess and start begging him to come see me now and get the next train. then he just snaps and he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore and nothing i can say can change his mind. i am distraught. but as there is nothing i can do i wrote him a thank you letter thanking him for the 4.5years we've been together and that this is all my fault. i wish i had just shut up and accepted that he is busy.on tuesday i go see him face to face to talk things through properly. i gave him the letter and he got so upset. he says he still loves me but he just can't be in a relationship right now as it seems like it is going around in circles but kept saying we would probably get back together in 2months or so. i ask him why and the reasons are the stress and the responsibility and the fact that he is so busy and we have been together for 4.5 years. he said he would go on a break with me but wouldn't becuase i hate breaks and have been on a 2 week break before 2 years ago for exactly the same reasons at the same time of year, leaving me heartbroken. when i was leaving i got up and accepted that he wanted time apart. he hugs me and starts sobbing. i asked him when i walk out the door where do we go from here and he says he wants to go on a break and he will contact me in 2weeks. i say a 2 weeks a month whenever. i said i would wait for him as i love him so much.i am so upset and depresses as i feel entirely responsible. i want to change, grow up and calm down and to handle my stress in a better way. and so now, it is the third day into our break. no contact, haven't heard from him at all. im so confused right now. our relationship status on facebook hasn't changed to single yet. this is giving me hope that we might get back together but i don't want that just in case he doesn't. i'm preparing myself for the worst. i miss him so much and i feel all this is my fault and i wish i hadn't of been so nagging then none of this would of happened. i want him back so bad. i want to support him and be there for him. he says its not me its him but i feel i have pushed him away. i am also confused as are we on a break? or have we broken up? as at first he didnt want to, then he did want to break up and now he is saying a break. i know its gonna take time to get over him but I dont know what to do. I want to talk to him about where this is going cos the future is so uncertain for me. I dont wanna talk to him about it cos I feel it will ruin everything, as every time i open my mouth i seem to make things so much worse. sorry this is long and complicated but i really needed to get this off my chest. if I could get some feedback that would help me so much. thank you xxx
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, snowbear  +, writes (11 January 2009):
Hi.. It sounds like you both need to readjust how you feel about each other. No guy likes being pushed for an answer especially if they are trying to sort out any major stuff like job hunting. I would give him the space he asked for and in the meantime while your waiting for him to contact you why not use the money you would have spent travelling and have some holistic massage therapy for you, this will help release your emotions and you can chat with the massage therapist too. Meet with your friends and go out with them and tho' it will be difficult not to think about him at least it will help you pass the time more quickly for yourself. He may want a break permanantly as you are both young and have dated a long time, He has a career to sort out and you have college to finish and perhaps he doesn't quite see himself settling down just yet. I hope it works out for you take care
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