A
female
age
30-35,
*elesha
writes:hey guys. so I'm in my early 20's and so is my husband. we've been through so much to be together. our parents kicked us out when we both decided to get married. he put up with so much from my mother and i put up with so much from his step mom. we are finally going to live together in our very own apartment and we will be able to celebrate our 6 month anniversary (first one together after marriage).i love him so much and i would do anything to make sure he is happy. he loves me even more and we both strongly believe that we are each others soul mates. he is the first man i have ever kissed, touched, or made love with. I was very protected as a child and even feared men most of my life. he has had many sex partners. he's been in numerous gang bangs and slept with countless women since he was 12 years old. I'm sorry i asked him to tell me about his past. i hoped it would fade and i would learn to get over it. but it is literally eating me alive. i've seen pictures of some of his ex girlfriends and their faces haunt me. i want to just let it go. we have worked and suffered so much to be with one another and he hasn't had sex with anyone but me for a year and a half.we didn't have sex until 8 months after we were talking and for that entire time he didn't have sex. he told me he had never felt love. he didn't' know what love was and he did not believe in marriage. he said he saw my picture and immediately fell in love with me and he didn't stop until he wrote a song and proposed to me with tears in his eyes. but every time i look at him or try to make love with him i can't get the images out of my head. i don't know if the way i touch him is how they touched him or if they did things with him that i want to be new. i'm so confused. it's tearing me apart and it's hurting him as well. i want this marriage to work but the pain keeps getting worse. i would rather die than live without him. we both cry every time i tell him how much it hurts. it's breaks him down because he says he loves me so much and I'm all i have. i want to stop the pain. please help
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2011): "he's been in numerous gang bangs and slept with countless women since he was 12 years old"
Which means that he was sexualized early and this causes many problems psychologically, promiscuity is the least of those problems.
"we didn't have sex until 8 months after we were talking and for that entire time he didn't have sex"
He probably didn't know what to think, you are different, he probably has no frame of reference on how to relate to you. He may not even like sex that much, because of the problems from his past. He probably doesn't associate sex with love at all.
"he told me he had never felt love. he didn't' know what love was and he did not believe in marriage"
Also often true of those who are sexualized early. He probably hasn't told you everything. He more likely than not has been sexually abused, I'd not be surprised to find that he has been raped by men/boys as well as women.
You need a professional counselor to help.
My wife had a similar history. She's had over 100X as many lovers as I've had. She didn't want to get married, have kids, have a family, etc. Why?
Marriages end in divorce and abuse.
Families were painful things.
Children get abused and raped.
Families get broken and traumatized.
Then she met me....she wanted to be with me, wanted to marry me (she asked me after I told her that I loved her), wanted to have children, wanted to have a family.
19 years later...she is still here, but it was hard for her, these things are fearful.
Get professional help, you will need it or your marriage won't survive, and it may be because he won't be able to stop his behaviors from the past from intruding. Do not have children until you have had help.
If there are any drugs, including marijuana, in the house, or alcohol, get rid of it. You can't survive this type of stuff on top of what he has historically.
Good Luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): You are suffering from retroactive jealousy. It's a normal common human problem, although the modern western culture is in extreme denial about it these days. (People will do anything to justify rampant casual sex and make light of the damage it usually causes later on.)
Either you find a way to deal with it or you don't. Just giving it time won't fix things. You have to find a way to change your thinking about it that allows you to cope or else break up with him.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (9 May 2011):
 "he hasn't had sex with anyone but me for a year and a half."
How long have you been together? Not having had sex with anyone else while in a relationship is what is to be expected, not something he earns a medal for accomplishing.
It's like you think he is a sex freak that needs to be praised for being able to keep it in his pants and not cheat or be with other women! Is that truly how you view him? Are you thinking he wont be able to stay faithful to you, are you scared that you aren't good enough to keep him around since he can get it elsewhere?
And in that case... how exactly do you view yourself? You're not just a piece of leg and a pussy you know. You're his wife, I think you need to respect yourself a bit more and not be comparing yourself to whatever girls he has had sex with before. And don't think that he thinks sex with you is just sex. It is every bit as special to him as you feel it is.
It hurts him because YOU don't see the sex you have with him as special. You treat it just like sex, without emotions. How can sex with you be ANYTHING like sex he had in the past? Really, try to answer that. How can your touches be anything like any other girls touch?
Test it on yourself. Imagine another man touching you the way your husband touches you. Same touch? Does it feel the same, as good, better, great, or wonderful? I dare bet you twitch at the idea, get grossed out, or find the thought repulsive.
So why do you think HE is comparing you to these other women, how do you think he isn't experiencing you as anything different? Do you honestly think it doesn't matter what you do to him because "it's been done before"?
Well, you've had sex now, so if someone else did the same to you, would it matter at all since it's been done before? I think it would matter quite a bit.
I think you are hurting him more than you are hurting yourself by going through this over and over. He can't change his past, but YOU CAN CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS. You hold the key to get yourself through this, he doesn't. He's just a punching bag for your insecurities at the moment, and you must fight it so that it doesn't do more damage.
Think of yourself as more special, don't lower yourself to the same level as any ex of his, or any random girl he's been with. He married YOU, not them, he loves YOU not them, and if you are just like everyone else that wouldn't be the case. You're NOT like everything else, and EVERYTHING he does with you is new, special, and important to him, just as it should be important to you as well. Try to not ruin the intimate times you spend with him by thinking that it isn't special, you only ruin it for yourself. You're the one insisting that it isn't special.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): The fact that you are together and that you stood for each other should be enough reason to forget about his past. He did stuff when he was younger, you not yet in the picture but now you entered his life he has proven he can change and be truthful. Now that u know his past stop asking for more questions. Dwell in the fact that he loves you dearly and that you have each other.
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A
male
reader, serenity80  +, writes (9 May 2011):
I agree, you should seek some professional help. Why did you go ahead and get married to someone who makes you feel so bad is beyond me. Get that therapy, and work on your marriage and your future together. You both deserve to be happy I am sure.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2011): We all have our insecurities and some are harder to cope with than others. Please seek some professorial help from a psychotherapist... these are the kind of obsessive thoughts that ruin a relationship since they lead to many other feelings and paranoias.
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