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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: ok this will be long. And i have to clear this first because it's the main reason of this whole thing:I have problems with lying, since i was a younger, i was under treatment but i stopped going, i was raped when i was 13 and i'm pretty much ashamed of the way i look, i'm a boy, i'm 23. Well last year i met this girl on the internet, we became friends and everything was amazing, a few months after we met she told me she had feelings for me and i was really happy, because i was feeling the same way about her, We talked about the day we were going to meet, about living together and so many other things. The problem is that i lied since the beggining, i showed her a picture of a man that wasn't me, i know it's horrible and you don't do that to the person you love, but i didn't think i was going to develop real feelings for someone on the internet, i thought that it was my chance to be myself without having to worry about the looks. But the thing is that lying for me is like an addiction, i've been dealing with this horrible side of my personality for years and everytime that i get too close to someone i lie. I could have told her the truth then but i didn't, so i kept doing it, the lies were worse and worse, i even told her i had leukemia, wich i had when i was 21 and i'm still recovering, but i told her i was really sick when i met her, i don't know why i did it, i honestly don't know. Once i started lying i kept going, i couldn't stop and everyday i hated myself more and more for the lies i was telling her, but still i didn't tell her the truth. She found out though and i came clean because i didn't have any other option. i was so ashamed of myself, so disgusted with myself. We talked on the phone and i heard her crying and i have to say that's the worst thing in the world, i felt horrible, for the first time was heart breaking and i couldn't breathe, i hurt the person i love the most in this horrible world. I was ready to leave, to let her be happy, i was sure she was going to be better without me, but she asked me to stay, she forgave me, she said she couldn't let me go and asked me to stay. So i said yes, she gave me another chance, then i came clean, i told her everything about my life....except the raping part, when i came to that point i lied again, and again i showed her the picture of another man. A few days later she said she changed her mind, that she didn't forgive me at all, that in fact she hated me and she didn't want to be my friend anymore.After that i got so depressed, i was desperated so i called a therapist to set up an appointment. i kept lying for a few days...but the feeling inside of me was killing me, so i decided to come clean. The problem is that she found out again before i could do it, she asked me to show her a picture of me, but i panicked, i don't know why but i couldn't let her see me, i didn't want her to see the real me and hate me. She got sick of it, she said it was over for good...she said she was going to slit her wrists so i threatened her with calling her parents, she didn't do it but i ruined it again, we had a big fight that night and the feeling inside of me was even worse. I couldn't even look at the mirror, i still can't. This time i didn't even try to keep her with me, i knew that i had to let her go because i'm a horrible person and i can't control myself. That night we said goodbye, i was devastated for everything i did, the way i broke her heart, i swear it was never my intention, but i couldn't stop myself. I'm still seeing my therapist, he's really helping me, i just want to be a better person for her...i know i lost her but that's all i can do now.The next day, again, she came back online, but this time it was different, the person i loved, the amazing girl with the most beautiful heart i've ever seen was gone, she was cold, mean and she was determined to say things to hurt me. I took the punishment, after all what i did was horrible. Last night was the lower point in our non-existent relationship, she said i was nothing for her, that she didn't love me anymore, that i was pathetic and the biggest a**hole on earth, that she didnt' care if i die the next day and the only reason why she was still talking to me was that she was used to talk to me everyday and this was going to make the transition easier for her, she didn't come back for me or to fix things, she came back to make me suffer. I told my therapist and he asked me to stop talking to her inmidiately, but i just can't, i'm worried she'll try to hurt herself and i still love her with all my heart. She keeps hurting me everyday and i'm almost at the edge of breaking down, i feel miserable, pathetic and i just wish she could get tired of me soon, i want her to finish to kill me so she can move on. I know i will never move on, i did the most horrible thing in the world and i deserve this. But i'm scared i wont be able to stand more of it. I honestly wish i was dead, but she told me that if i ever do something to hurt myself she'll do the same. I just want her to be happy, i never meant this to happen, not to her, i know that when she finish with me she'll be ok, then she'll be able to move on but gosh i wish she would do it faster. I would love her to understand why i did it, that's not an excuse i know, but i have problems and i'm trying so hard to be a better person. I just want some advice here, how can i make this hell easier for her? for me? what can i do? obviously i can't change the fact that i lied, but how can i give her peace? should i let her keep hurting me? or should i just leave? i don't know what to do, i don't know why she keeps coming back everyday, everyday is a torture. I miss my bestfriend.. i miss my love, i miss her so much. She is still the number one for me, but i'm dying here, i don't know what to do, i'm loosing my mind, literally. My therapist said stop it, but i'm scared she'll hurt herself.I just need an honest advice, because i'm exhausted.thanks for your time
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (25 August 2009):
 You understand your faults, your actions and you're responsible for them. Why are you taking responsibility for her actions as well? Also, changing to get her back is not going to work. You need to change for yourself, because you want to do things different, even though others around you will benefit from those changes. It does seem as if the rape is following you closely, it will as long as you don't face it. You're in charge of yourself and your future. No one else can dictate who you become. But you're letting the past win and allowing the actions of other develop who you are. Stop and take control of yourself.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your advice.
I've never talked about that event with anyone, well besides my family and therapists... It's just that it still feels like it happend not so long ago, i keep thinking people would say i'm disgusting if they find out...I know that is not an excuse for what i did to her, i'm responsable for my own mistakes, but how is it going to help me now?
I mean you are right, i have to face the real trauma, i'm going to the therapist just for my lying compulsion, we haven't talked about the raping yet, but he knows, i can't even say it out loud, i feel so ashamed.
I know she needs help, that's why i don't want to leave, she told me she tried to kill herself when she was 14 and she was admited in a mental ward for a week. I just don't want her to hurt herself again, i care about her so much, i love her.
And i tried, i did try, i told her i was going to take a pic and this time it was really me, but she said she didn't want to see me at all. I can't force her to love me again and i wont, but i will never forgive myself if something happens to her because of what i did.
My therapist said that i have codependency issues too, maybe that's true, but the thing is that i can't just leave, i need to make sure she'll be ok, i'm responsable for this.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (24 August 2009):
You're not horrible. You need help, and apparantly she does as well. You've heard that people with issues generally attract those who also have issues. I don't know why. It may be knowing the person you're with is more screwed up than you. Who knows.
Let's look at your rape. Not being upfront there, how does that make you feel? Keeping that secret in from those you get close to, what are you hiding? Trauma's we face, but cover up and don't confront become a growth in our way of being. This causes our personalities to take an abnormal turn as well. Reason being, our capasity to protect our selves from pain.
When not confronted, as I believe may be part reason for what you're facing, is the pain grows and grows and grows, so in oder for people to like the person we hate in ourselves an alternate or fantacy self is created. It's kind of creating a more exciting identity because you don't see someone liking you for just beign who you are.
When looking at this, the first thing you have to do is come to terms with who you are. Being raped is traumatic, but it's not who you are. Anything else that has happened are also acts against, but they aren't who you are either. What you have that is you and NO ONE can take away is your integrity and your character. That is the foundation of who you are and it's what you have every day and is yours to keep, and the only damage it receives is what you allow. Such as developing a more exciting, but untruthful you.
Get two pieces of paper. Split both into two columns. The first column, write integrity, the second, write character. In each List words or sentences about who you really are. This is underneath the pain the happenings. In the next column, write down lie (fantasy) and WHY? Every time when communicating with someone else or thinking in your mind what may be interesting to tell, write it down, then under why write down why that would be interesting in one sentence, then in a second sentence, how it's not you and how you're not going to include it as being part of who you are.
This exercise will begin showing you that under the lies you're still who you are and that's not going to change, but it'll also show the deceit in lying because you're going to tell yourself not just that it's wrong, but why it is.
This exercise is the most important and needs to be done first. I recommend this to all adults who experienced childhood trauma. As an adult you see the rape differently. What happened at 13 was seen through the mind of a child, and as you grow older new knowledge begins conflicting with the experience as a child. Such as how you'd help a rape victim now, compared to the knowledge you had at 13 to do so. With this additional pain and guilt develops. What you need to do to begin the process of healing is to write a letter from your adult self to your child self. You need to forgive your younger self for not knowing what to do, not having the answers etc. It's a process of having "you the adult", telling "you the child" that it wasn't the child's fault, and that you are relieving the child you from the guilt and the pain associated with being ashamed of something that at the time really had no control over.
Think of it this way. What happened at 13 get's stuck under the mentality of 13 and that age. You grow older, but the justification and relieving trauma from that age doesn't grow, so what happened then, stays during that period until you change it and tell it to move on.
I hope this helps. With this girl saying hurtful things, I too recommend during this process you stop contact with her. This is a healing process, not a process of adding more to flame the fire. I hope this helps you. Take care.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (24 August 2009):
 You need to tell her the whole truth and see if she will meet you atleast. You have nothing left to loose at this point just be honest this one time with this one person stop letting your past ruin your future. Tell her everything tell her what you wrote here. it up to here to forgive you but its up to you to make her want to.
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