A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure if this is the best place to go but I don't know where to go really.Since I came out 2 years ago things changed completely between my mother and I and its frosty to say the least between us. What happens is that every day there is guaranteed to be an argument between us. Today has just tipped me over the edge, she comes down stairs and says in simple terms that I'm a waste of space whose going nowhere in life and then said that she only says these things so that I do well in college but to be honest she is putting me down so much I want to just run away and hide from life. She makes me want to cry because she is getting to me so much even though I'm going to be going back to the hardest part of my college course and I need the support that a parent should be giving me. I just don't know what to do and I was hoping that the good community here would have some good advice for me as to what to do. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): I am the original poster.To the last person who replied... dafuq are you talking about? Im just coming up to 18, in my last year of college and i came out to her 4 years ago and its been shite ever since. Everyone knew before she did and she did know before i told her and she reacted bad. I can understand her being shocked but enough is enough.My school performance has always been well above average and achieving high, she told me i was a waste of space because i dont have a job and on the time i have free i like to be on my laptop or just chilling. She was out of line.Looking from her stand point, everyone has been accepting of me and those that have ever said anything has always been put back into there place.She was born in the late 60's and failed at school and college and worries that i'll do the same so I HAVE looked from her stand point.This question wasnt asked as to why she is pushing me away but why she was being so mean to me when she knows that i am very prone to stress and that im getting to a very hard part of my course and need help and she comes and tells me that.Ohh and by the way. That wasnt advice you would expect from a "wise owl" it was condescending and plain mean. My mother does talk about my achievements etc but it wasnt relevant to the advice i requested. Also calling me "sweetie" does not make what you say any nicer even though you'll probably thinking it's the harsh truth it isnt.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2013): You're being pushed from the nest my boy.
Mummy wants her space. You may look a little lazy from her standpoint. Her friends and the neighbors talk. She is subject to peer pressure. Not only because of your school- performance; but because you are gay as well. She is indirectly attacking you for it. You clobbered her over the head with it, and expect her to be waving a gay flag for you.
Your mother is of the old-school of thinking. She is caught between prejudice, motherhood, the neighbors talking, her poor upbringing, the media, and you.
As a mother, she knows she is supposed to push you to your potential. Back in her day, if you didn't excel; you were either lazy or stupid. If she was raised in the 50's and 60's, she is supposed to be bragging about you being a genius; about to get married, and ready to procreate.
The only way you can deal with her, is to get your own place and she will get off your back.
Sweetie, she has to explain and defend you everywhere she goes. Not only for your orientation; but for the fact you are a full-grown man still living with his mum.
At the marketplace. If she goes to church. To the older relatives. It gets exhausting. She is both paranoid and embarrassed. She will settle-down in time. The shock may take a few years. Depending on her personality and upbringing.
She feels you are old enough to be on your own; so you can take full responsibility for your own life-style and achievements. You can get out and defend yourself for a bit.
As long as you live in her house, she has to explain why you're still there. She has to swallow your life-style and sexual orientation. Which she figures is more of a complication and hindrance; than who you are. She doesn't fully understand.
Now do you get it?
She was looking forward to a time when she didn't have to take responsibility for anyone but herself. Have some time and freedom after taking care of a family. By you living at home, she's in your business whether she wants to be or not.
Coming out to her was no piece of cake for her.
So if you stop playing the victim and look at it from more than your own point of view, you'll see your coming out of the closet is difficult for her. Everyone will not accept you, and they aren't all nice to her about it either. She feels she may have failed you in someway. A mother's guilt.
She is taking her shame out on you.
You want her support? Sprout your own wings and fly. Let her be, and make her miss you. It took you time to deal with your orientation, don't be surprised that it's tough for her too. I'm a gay man also.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 July 2013):
 Sit her down - tell her about your goals. Talk to her. Explain why she isn't helping but rather hurting you. But most of all, no matter what FOCUS on your education, SHOW her you are serious.
Looks like she is "fear based" motivating - She is worried that YOU will end up like her - monkey see - monkey do. Was she ever positive and supportive? Is there something else going on that is stressing her?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have absolutely no idea what's going on in her head, myself coming out has never been a focal point in my eyes cause it's just something that happened, I just think its the beginning that my mothers and I's relationship was destroyed.
She keeps saying that she wants me to do my best because she flunked college and is in a job she hates but like you said she doesn't motivate me in the slightest it's "get a life" or that I'm going to be a waste of space and its hurtful not hopeful
When it comes to making it by myself I'd love to but I wouldn't even know where to start, I only have part time shift work at the minute because its summer an I really want to finish education and go to uni. But the more this is happening the more I'm thinking seriously about leaving her, this environment in my opinion is not healthy for me to stay in.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 July 2013):
Do you think she is harping on you because you came out? Or because she is trying in her very rude way to get you to do your best? It doesn't sound like she is motivating you, but it could be that she is worried that you are focusing more on the "coming out" then your education?
Maybe, it's time for you to get out on your own.
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