A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My husband of four years is a generally nice and kind man but has very firm views about things. I have tried over the years to put my views forward on things that I am not happy with in the relationship but my views are always walked over or ignored and then I am labelled as being difficult or awkward for having a different opinion. Unless I keep quiet all the time and accept that what he says is what is going to happen or is the right way to approach things he gets very angry with me. I have recently realised that I am way down in his list of things that are important to him but I have realised that for an easy life it is best to keep quiet. The problem is that I now feel resentful. I feel particularly annoyed because I am the chief earner and although it probably doesn't relate I just feel that because I pay for so much that I should have some rights or say in what goes on in our life. I have a very full job which I am grateful for as it takes me away from the situation at home and when I come home I am tired but at the weekends I am beginning to feel very annoyed. Everytime we talk it turns into an argument. The problem is we have a fundamental difference over what is right and wrong and how people should behave in given circumstances so we are never ever going to agree. My husband is not nasty in any way he just won't listen or even empathise. Do you have any advice on how to kill this feeling of resentment or how to make someone empathise with you. I have found that strangely doing pilates makes me feel less annoyed but there is only so much of this I can do! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, pedro1  +, writes (27 August 2012):
Hi.
Perhaps , you should look up what Narcissism is. Then weigh up your options - Is the situation ever going to get better.
Be ready to ship out if things / situation doesn't show signs of improvement.
Pedro1.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): your husband does not sound nice and kind to me at all. He sounds like a passive aggressive selfish jerk. Just because he doesn't shout at you, call you names or say outwardly nasty words doesn't mean he's nice and kind.
Refusing to consider your opinions and views is being nasty if you're in a marriage and you're doing this to your spouse chronically. Insisting on one's way all the time is not being kind at all.
You can't just "kill the resentment" feeling. Your feelings are there for a reason. If the cause of the resentment doesn't go away, neither will the feeling. Your relationship has to change in a more positive direction before you can feel less resentful. Avoiding going home may put a lid on it temporarily, so will pilates and yoga, but those are just coping mechanism and band-aids if the cause of the resentment is still very much present in your every day life.
but it sounds like you do also get your way some times. As with your example of visiting his aunt on the way home from holiday. In the end you got your way - there was no visit to his aunt after all.
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male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (27 February 2012):
It sounds like your resentment is an indication of a more fundamental lack of closeness between you. Everything in a marriage is about sharing and compromise. I remember the hurt feelings and silent car journeys in the first year or two of marriage. I remember feeling mad when my wife paid too much for a pair of sunglasses and the argument led a a day of silence - about as trivial as your tea with the aunt example. But we should learn work around the things that annoy us. We learn how our partner thinks and reacts and, unless we enjoy trying to win a debating tornament, we avoid confrontation. We learn how to suggest the range of things we want to do in just the way that our partner wants to do the same thing. We learn there are no-go zones that are a waste of time. You both need to understand the others feelings and viewpoint and if you can't do this on your own by talking calmly then a councellor may help.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (26 February 2012):
 Your example of his wanting to pop in and see his aunt on the spur of the moment show a bunch of things to me.
Did you offer an alternative and not simply a "no, I don't want to?" For the record, I wouldn't want to pop in on a relative on the spur of the moment either, but that's a compatibility issue. He likes spontaneous, you like to plan. Did you say "Hey, I'm really tired and worn out, but let's call her this week and make it a proper plan in the next couple of weeks, okay?" And the real breakdown is the silent treatment afterwards. What good does that do? You are responsible for that as much as he is. You could have chosen to let the argument rest and talk to him as normal and change the subject, but rather both of you are so alike, you went the "emotional punishment" satisfaction that the silent treatment causes.
This sort of thing happens when both of you are alike! You both get into a disagreement, you both entrench, and then you both get sullen, which pisses you off because eventually, you making a compromise feels like attrition to you, which makes you resentful, which perpetuates the whole dynamic.
You also argue about things to do with his children? I take it that when you say "his", this means from a previous relationship, since you did not use the word "ours"? This is a touchy subject, since he is the primary decision maker when it comes to them.
First of all, the silent treatment is immature crap, and breaking that silence doesn't mean that he "wins". You can talk to him, move on, and go about your business. Why would some fight over stopping by to see his aunt cause 3 days of silence, resulting in his reluctance to go on any sort of date with you again?? You could break that by not letting the sun set on the disagreement, putting your heads together, talk about how to resolve the difference in the short and long term (you understand his love of his aunt, so come up with a solution together that solves that, but works with your dislike of popping in unannounced).
I get if he's absolutely immovable, but you show an example of how to do it right, and folding up and saying "I DON"T WANT TO!!" and then spending three days in angry and psychologically abusing silence is not the right thing to do, and YOU have control over that. The issue isn't about being RIGHT. The issue is about working together.
Instead of looking at it like your opinion versus his battle to the death, look at it as OUR solution versus The Problem. When you see it as that, you work together to work with each other to figure out what works with both of you.
You might be saying "He will never go with that", and you could be right for starters. However, if he sees you calmly, without the punishing silence and stubborn entrenchment make efforts to work with him to get a mutual solution, he might just think about what you say. Disagreements do not have to be wars, and you have control over that.
You said in your original post that "we have a fundamental difference over what is right and wrong". What you mentioned is an issue to where there is no right or wrong, only two different approaches. Look past them, identify the needs, and see if together you can't come up with a solution that meets both needs.
It's NOT:
YOU versus HUSBAND
It's:
YOU versus SITUATION/SCENARIO
HUSBAND
One is combative. The other is cooperative.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (26 February 2012):
 Opps, just saw your follow up. Oh those kind of arguments. But in your example you won, you didn't see auntie, you went home.You are two completely different people, you sound like total opposites. Really not much you can do about this, it has always been this way and that's what attracted you to each other. He doesn't sound wrong in your example, but neither do you. Your a day bird, he's a night owl, putting more money on the table doesn't mean that he's got up at the break of dawn. Compromise as you've been doing, but these disagreements will never stop.PS: I would have visted auntie, because if she ever found out I was near her house and passed her by she would never have forgiven me. You've both been brought up differently, and therefore thinking is different and change is impossible. Sorry
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): So he's spontanious and your not, he's more sociable & loose than you.Your more a schedule type person.I like it if my family pop in for a cuppa,its sort of a natural thing to do without thinking.Just a 'get the kettle on' and no formality.
It's worrying you argue over his children though, how old are they?
Everyones different but this sounds like it's all causing a big rift, he's not going to change much now,nor are you. So, can you not reach a compramise or are the differences too much to live with - what do you want
Counselling is a good idea, get the lines of communication open,its got to be better than seething and building resentment
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (26 February 2012):
"What we have here is a failure to communicate" (Cool Hand Luke, staring the greatly loved and always missed, Mr Paul Newman)First let's get the big stuff out the way. You say your husband is generally nice and kind, but then you go on to say, "I have recently realised that I am way down in his list of things that are important to him ...." That doesn't sound kind, nice or loving to me. You want to clarify that in your mind, think about it and up date your post.Anyway, ignoring that bit, and the bit about you earning the most money, and the bit about him always shouting you down, telling you that your awkward and difficult, not allowing you to have an opinion about anything, and driving you to take up exercise to stop your blood pressure from going up and you dropping dead of a heart attack... nope, we will just ignore this, because it often happens in marriages, doesn't mean that love isn't there.Best way to tackle this is through marriage counselling. They are not only for when things are going seriously wrong, they can also help couples who are having problems to communicate. They can show you great techniques to deal with differences in opinions and the mature and adult way to conduct constructive discussions. But you usually have to pay, and many men don't like to see counsellors for anything.I understand your husband, cause I also have strong opinions and have to fight to hold back and give the other person a chance. A lot of people in my family are like this, so discussion become a shouting match. The way we tried to solve this, is by getting an old stick (mum painted it up) and only the person holding the stick gets to talk and everyone else has to wait. It's an old fashioned "talking stick". Slows everything right down, forces the loud person to actually concentrate on what is being said. Helped a lot in my family to teach people to listen, learn and respect. But many people won't like that idea, because it's too much like playing and they think only children should do such things. Tell him you are tired of being shouted at and your opinion devalued, ask him to work with you to find a way where your opinions count too. Remind him he doesn't treat other people like this, he wouldn't dare, so he only does this to you because he is lacking respect. He would not stand if someone treated him like this.Grab yourself a copy of "Men are from Mar's, Women are from Venus" by John Grey. It has lots of techniques about how to understand your husband and see what's going on in his head. It also tells you how to communicate with him in a way where he has to listen and take on board what you are trying to say. It's a combination of certain trigger words - The use of "I", valuing his opinion (even though it's crap) and agreeing to disagree. You should not be forced to back down, your opinions are important to. If he is loud and aggressive, leave the room and refuse to talk anymore until he calms down. This will teach him that bullying will be met by silence."I understand baby, and I respect and value your opinion, but I am different to you and I think differently. I don't want to fight, but I just can't be like you. How can we work out a way to compromise, or forget about it completely." (something like that) Tone and body language are important too.Look on the net, websites like wikihow, have tons of advice on "How to win arguments", How to deal with difficult people" "How to communicate with argumentative people" and "how to cope with verbal bullying" http://www.wikihow.com/Always-Win-an-Argumenthttp://www.hodu.com/aggressive.shtmlAt the moment pilates and google are your very best friends. Try to practice the lessons that the articles give, it will give you great enjoyment, because as he stands there making up noise, you can be detached as any scientist, trying to find out what works. No matter what happens, the experience will make you stronger to deal with any difficult person.Good luck (sorry, like your hubby I talk a lot)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe argue about things to do with his children, things like visiting people and spending time with other family members. Our personalities are very different and we just constantly rub each other up the wrong way. A small example would be him promising to take me, just the two of us to the coast for the day. So we have a lovely day and he then says oh my Aunt lives near by let's pop in and have a cup of tea on the way home. I will say that I don't want to do this as it was not what we planned for the day and I am tired, scruffy and just don't want to be sociable. I also think it is wrong just to turn up without giving someone advance notice. He will say that she won't mind and I will say no I am not going so we will then sit in silence for the car journey home and probably for a few days at home. Small but very accurate desciption of the kind of rows we have. If he had said to me I want to go and visit my Aunt as we had planned the day it would not have been an issue to me but not like this. This kind of thing has happened so many times I now will not go out with him as I can't relax as he is so likely to spring this kind of surprise on me, sounds ridiculous but it just really annoys me.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 February 2012):
 I like what YouWish said.
I totally completely disagree however that I need to know what the disagreements are about. There are just some people that have to be right. Also there's a disorder called ODD Oppositional Defiant Disorder. It's a childhood disorder but those kids have to grow up and some of them don't outgrow the need to disagree with everything...
My fiance is much like what you describe. And I find that talking back to him in my head helps me. AND I have learned that when he is wrong I have to let him find out by himself. But then he had done that a few times now and he is slowly learning to hear what I have to say...
I know he's wrong... he gets NOTHING from me. I tend to just answer yes or no questions for him. Voicing my opinion just creates problems... but as I've done this more and more he is learning to seek my opinions now.
I do think that counseling is a great idea. My fiance actually asked me to go to couples counseling to improve our communication and it's really helping.
If he has always been like this and he thinks there is nothing wrong, it may be near impossible to fix this issue between you but I can understand trying and I can also understand if you have to leave
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 February 2012):
First of all, what does it matter if you're the chief earner?? You two are married, and you both do what you do for the household. It just so happens that you make more money. He's pushier and more forceful with his opinions, and that's not going to matter whether or not you make more money. The amount of money earned should have no bearing on marriage equality, period.
That being said, you both are stubborn. However, he's worn you down because he doesn't let up. Many people are pushy, forceful, and manipulative. You have a choice -- to push back, to stay quiet, or to leave.
As for what's right and wrong, or how people should behave, why can't both of you be right? Why is only one opinion correct, and not a fusion of both? I don't know the nature of your disagreements, but I know that my husband and I couldn't be more politically opposed to each other, and vehemently so. During election years (and this is one), we'll debate for hours almost at the top of our lungs about how wrong the other one is and how each other are living in a fantasy land. Sometimes I think we should both get hobbies in banging our heads against a wall because it gets so heated.
One thing you might want to consider is that maybe his ego won't let you win an argument, but when you part, he thinks about your point of view. That happens much more than people know. It's immature, but he could really see it as emasculating.
The two of you might benefit from some counselling, because you building resentment is unhealthy and will manifest itself in too many areas. But you have to stop thinking in terms of *I*. As in *I* pay so much into...you two are not a married couple. There's no I. There's only Family Household, Incorporated, where more than finances are what's tracked.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (26 February 2012):
 You really don't mention what you do argue about in your question and I think that is key here.
Also, from the sounds of your question, it appears that you feel like you haven't been heard in this relationship. At any point in your relationship, have you felt like you've been treated as an equal? Is this something new or is this just becoming apparent?
These questions are important. If he has always been this way, I think the chances of him changing aren't good and you may have to find a way to communicate with him. I suggest seeing a counselor or therapist together. If this is something new, you need to identify what has changed and what you need to do to fix it. Perhaps he is resentful that you are the primary bread winner (many men find this intimidating)
In the short term, I suggest that if you are having problems communicating with him verbally that you consider writing him a letter. Explain to him the pain and hurt you are feeling and how you want to get along harmoniously. Tell him that you miss the ways things used to be and that you are hurt when you feel like your opinions don't matter.
Marriage is never easy and often times it takes a lot more give than take, but if someone feels like they are always giving, it can lead to resentment and discord. Hopefully your husband will meet you half way but I think he needs to understand where you stand and how you feel. A counselor or therapist may be able to offer you some tools to better communicate with one another.
Best wishes and good luck.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2012): I think it all depends on WHAT you specifically disagree on, I know it's frustrating when people don't listen to our point of views,but we all HAVE our own.
I don't think earning more money gives you more rights, marriage is an equal partnership regardless,so compramise is best the solution.
You can't spend the next 'X' amount of years avoiding going home or doin Pilates so you really need to discuss it and take it from there
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female
reader, bitterblue  +, writes (26 February 2012):
 Can you give us an example of a conversation as such? He must go by the "Mr Right" name where you live. If he says "the honey is purple", don't argue"".Unfortunately I agree the situation has gotten very bad if you feel like working extra hours in order to spend less time at home. But in this case, does he not wonder why he is being avoided? Then again, I have seen people taking a liking to being alone and getting accustomed to it. People have a tendency to accentuate their features with age. So it becomes a bit of a challenge to find the right method to approach them. Still, I would like to hear the details. Is there anything you still find pleasure in doing together? What have you tried so far? How did you raise the issue?
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (26 February 2012):
 reword your letter, make it a "when you say this I feel that" "when you do this I feel this way"
print it off and give it to him. Hopefully it will open the lines of communication. If it doesn't suggest counselling, if he wont, you go on your own. You may need to decide whether it's worth putting up with or whether you would be better off walking out. Professional counselling will help you develop some skills to deal with him, or to determine what is best for you.
Good Luck!
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female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (26 February 2012):
 HI
I think you should talk to him when you know his in a good frame of mind, and tell him how this is making you feel. But if he wont budge on this I fear your only other option is to leave him. you cant live your life being treated as a child whos opinions dont count. You will only continue to get more and more resentful towards him, which will end in hating eachother. How awful for you to just keep quiet for peace sake, thats not the way you should have to live. pilates are great btw :) atleast your keeping fit, so if you do decide to move on you will look great, and someone else would be very much appreciative of you, someone who will respect and value your input in a relationship.
Mandy x
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female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (26 February 2012):
HI
I think you should talk to him when you know his in a good frame of mind, and tell him how this is making you feel. But if he wont budge on this I fear your only other option is to leave him. you cant live your life being treated as a child whos opinions dont count. You will only continue to get more and more resentful towards him, which will end in hating eachother. How awful for you to just keep quiet for peace sake, thats not the way you should have to live. pilates are great btw :) atleast your keeping fit, so if you do decide to move on you will look great, and someone else would be very much appreciative of you, someone who will respect and value your input in a relationship.
Mandy x
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