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female
age
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*hook61
writes:I have concerns about my boyfriend. We have only been togwether since the begining of April this year. Things have been absolutley wonderful. Never a nasty word said between us. We were happy and enjoyed each others company. We were getting on so well. Last Friday I took him out to tea, (he always bought me tea when we went out, so I wanted to treat him). Things were going along great, holding hands across the table, smiling and laughing. The waitress seated some peopel at the table next to us and I noticed my boyfriend kept looking their way. I didn't really think anything of it at the time. Within a couple of minutes of them being seated, his mood changed and he asked if I was ready to go. I thought it odd but off we went. He was a little silent and I fallen asleep on the way back to his place. (I'd had a long day at work). When we got back to his place he still seemed a little out of character, so we went to bed. He wouldn't speak to me, he wouldn't even touch me. On the weekends, we usually stay in bed together late and on the next morning was no different except he still hardly spoke to me and wouldn't touch me. I had to go meet my son so I got up to get dressed, (normally he would say something about me being naked) but nothing, he wouldn't even look at me. So I continued to get my things together to leave, he got up, sat on the lounge, had a smoke while I finished doing what I was doing. When I went to leave he came out to my car, gave me a half hearted kiss and cuddle and said he would come up to my place in a couple of hours or so. 5 1/2 hours later he turned up. I had texted on my way home and asked what was bothering him, he simpled replied "nothing wrong" We were going out for tea again to my friends 60th birthday. We didn't stay long. The air between is feeling very strained and the same happened as the night before, no talking, no touching, no nothing. He had to work the next day (Sunday), so I got up to make him coffee, he couldn't even look at me. I was getting very upset and eventually said "can you at least tell me if I am the propblem?" He quickly looked at me and said nothing. He almost looked upset and as if he wanted to tell me something but just ended up looking down at the lounge and put his hand on my leg. I ended up saying "if you want finish things with me then just say so". Still nothing, still didn't look at me. So I got up and said if you don't want to talk to me then don't, by this time I was crying. I left him sitting on the loinge and went to bed crying a lot. He came in, kissed me on the cheek and said "I'll see you later" I turned over and said, "what have I done to make it so bad that you can't touch me, talk to me or even look at me? You have changed toward me" His reply was "I haven't changed" With that he left and went to work, I cried myself to sleep. I texted him later during the day to let him know what I was feeling, his reply took my by surprise plus got me angry...."for f##k sake give it rest, I never picked you for a drama queen" I replied back I am NOT a f##ken drame queen, I just don't like being hurt" All these things are so out of character for him. I'm wondering if it could have something to do with the people that were seated near us or if I have done something to upset him. I have been racking my brain about what we had talked about at dinner that would upset him so badly. I am suppose to go to his place tonight when he gets home but I'm going because I don't to be where things are so tense and I won't get spoken to but I do want to be with him because he means so much to me. Please help me, I don't want to loose this man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): I so understand your pain! This looks like the classic case where he wants out, and doesn't want to be the bad guy, so he just drops it out of nowhere until you go crazy and "snap" so he can blame it on you. This is a common tactic.
You got to let him go; don't communicate to him, and work on forgetting him. Rather than reach out to him and reduce yourself, shift that energy into healing and getting on with being happy without him.
I know you are left to deal with the hurt by yourself, expecially with your job as a driver. Is there any way you can get something distractive when you're working; like a book or audio book on your ipod or anything you really like to do such as a craft or gaming system like Nintendo DS? And what replacement activities after work do you like; gym, hiking, etc. One thing I found that really helps with letting go, is to fully face the things you shared with him. For example, when this happened to me, I couldn't go to my favorite restaurant because it hurt too much; it's where I met the guy who did the same thing you just got. One night I made myself get in there with a friend. I stayed until I knew I faced it, and it didn't hurt to be there. Whatever reminded me of him I faced it all, such as music: some songs were "our" songs. If they came on during my work out, I just wanted to cry and lost my motivation. One day I got tired of hurting so I made myself finish my gym routine while I listened to our songs no matter how bad it hurt. Facing it that way helped me to pull through the pain and shock of losing him.
Sometimes it helps to laugh at how he treated you, then you can let it go easier. Imagine if this guy posts an online dating ad:
"Fun-loving, happy, enjoyable man who suddenly and without warning turns cold, distant and snappy, and quickly removes affection, communication and cuts the friendship seeks caring, attentive, responsible, kind woman."
You could re-write the ad to make it funny to yourself.
Best wishes,
A
female
reader, chook61 +, writes (27 July 2010):
chook61 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am the original writer of the question.
I am even more confused and have no idea what to do. We have not seen each since he left for work 3 days ago. I texted him yesterday, (Monday) to ask if it was okay to go see him, he replied he wasn't home atm. I then texted back saying "ok. Is our relationship over?" His reply was very short..."No" He won't talk to me, he won't come and see or even text me. I am at a loss as what to do. I still have no idea what is going on and what he wants from me. I ended up texting him again later last night,(by this time I am really peed off with him), saying.."I don't know what your damn problem with me is but when you know what the f##k you want, let me know. Till then I will not bother you again and yes I think I have every right to be p###ed off" No reply. I have heard nothing what-so-ever. I really do not know what to do or say. This is tearing me apart. I have fallen big time for him and wish I could find a way to let go. I have been trying to keep myself busy to keep my mind off this crap but with my job as a driver I have a lot time to think.
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reader, Sweety Pie  +, writes (25 July 2010):
 Its a tricky one for sure :S somethings upset him, whether it was those people or not, I think you need to find out whats wrong before you can really do anything.
Just wait and see if this behaviour continues. I agree its very odd.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2010): Whether it was the people at the next table, or you, he turned his behavior, and that's on him.The first upset to a great romance cuts deep I know. Seeing your partner's misbehavior for the first time can be dismaying, but it's also a great opportunity. Whether or not his reason for sudden distance, which is rude and hurtful, is legitimate, he is still showed a lack of communication skills, and a little anger burst in that text. Perhaps you are fortunate to learn of these flaws only three months in as you decide to pursue recovery of this thing. Also, you may want to ask yourself if you really want a lifetime of his instability and sudden outbursts and implosions.
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