A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:ever since i found out my boyfriend was looking at porn i have lost all self confidence and i hate my appearance and almost everything else about myself,im only 20 and i use to have a very high sex drive but now i never want to have sex again, i miss feeling sexy and i miss sex, i had sex the other nite with him but it didnt do anything at all for me, i try to avoid doing anything sexual and i have even gone of pleasuring myself which i would do maybe 5 times a week, i dont know whats wrong, could it be the self confidence issues? or could there be some health problem with me?
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female
reader, Danielle934 +, writes (24 March 2006):
 You shouldn't be put off from having another relationship because of this one man. You should just use it as a lesson in teaching you who is the right man for you. The worst thing you could do is let this guy ruin any possibile great relatoinship that you might have. Don't resent him for how he has acted, you should thank him for truly letting you know how you deserve (and want) to be treated. I too have been having problems with my partner looking at porn and I know that if we ever seperated, I wouldn't resent him because I have been through that before. My husband is the first guy I have been with since the break up with my last boyfriend. It took me 2 years until I was ready to trust someone again, and that person I ended up marrying. When I look back at all the guys who approached me and I turned down, I see that I made a mistake by not giving them a chance, because some of them are the nicest guys I will ever know. You shouldn't let someone have that much control over you... even if you do love them. If you know it is time to move on then REALLY move on, dont let yourself carry around any baggage from this failed relationship. Every relationship you go through gives you experience and helps you to better find the right person for you.Best Wishes.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionits to late iv already started planing away to move out i just have to tell him now,thanks i'msolost for your thoughs, just so you know i have talked to him maybe 3 or 4 times about how i feel and it has always been in a calm way he is the one that gets all worked up and starts spilling lies,"oh its not mine its my friends" i dont have it to get off its used for other purposes" blah blah lies lies lies and then he calls me names. and im not going to ask him about his fantasy because he watches pornos with young teenage girls having sex wit each other, so there is no point in me asking about it because im never going to be able to fulfill that fantasy for him anyway. the fact of the matter is sure he may love me and care for me but i also want to be the girl that he has fantasies about and wanks off to not some stranger on a screen :(. this was the first guy i had sex with and my first serious relationship i wish now i never meet him to save myself the hurt, this has put me off having a relationship with anyone for a very very very long time.
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A
male
reader, i'msolost +, writes (24 March 2006):
I agree with Suorpio, porn for a guy is just a form of release. It has nothing do to with you, don't let it hurt your self-confidence. He might even feel bad about it afterword cause he cares about you. As for dumping him, that is something that you should not do if the probelm is just the porn. Most guys have porn, thats just the way it is. Not so much anymore, but but when I looked at porn, I always found that the person I was worth was much more attactive than any person I would look at in the porn. I don't know your guy, but maybe he looks at porn and masturbates because he doesn't want to seem like what he is mainly after around you is sex. That has somtimes been the case for me. It helps to clear the mind of that. And alot of the time the porn really doesn't have to do with the girls in it so much as the fantasy that it inspires.
The best thing that you can do if you still cannot understand his motives is to talk to him about how you feel. But don't just beat him down with a barrage of questions or seem to obbsessed over it. Be calm when you do and try not to alienate him. Show him affection and maybe ask him about his fantasies. But like I said before, don't just throw a relationship away for somthing as little as porn. It really doesn't have any emotional attraction at all, and often just helps to create a fantasy.
Hope this perspective from annother guy might help.
Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2006): alot of research suggests that women need to feel sexy to enjoy sex with thier partners, its difficult to feel sexy when you know that your patner is probably just replaying the porn he has watched in his head than appreciating you and your body.
you probably also might feel a little depressed as this has an effect on your libido .
the effect of this has had an effect on yo physicaly as well as mentally , this is not good maybe its time to move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for the advice Suorpio, im sorry i just dont think i will ever understand why he looks at it and he also lies about it, its so degrading, and well when i started to notice a decrease in sex with me i became concerned so i looked into and what do you know i found porn, i feel like iv been cheated on, your right i guess if i understood why he looked at it then there probably would not be a problem but i dont i think i ever will, i think ill just dump him, he can probably do better anyway.:(
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2006): If your sex-drive suddebly plummeted right after discovering your boyfriend was using porn, this is likely more mental than physical. Take heart, though, that his using porn has nothing to do with how attractive you are. You need to try and picture what purpose it is that sex and porn serve - because it is indeed a world of difference!
Sex is great, and it engages an intense emotional connection with someone else, whether it's for one night or part of some ongoing, longterm relationship. And yet sometimes, that's just not what a guy wants or needs. Whether because he's just not in the mood or it's just not convenient, sometimes that bond is too much effort versus a quick voiding of the semenal vessicle. Sometimes porn is a chance to focus entirely on oneself and BE a little selfish where one would otherwise have to think about a partner as well. Couples use porn the same way couples still masturbate when sex isn't what's needed AT THAT MOMENT. It is just a quick, necessarry relief, and doesn't necessarily endanger your relationship.
Your self-confidence may have taken a blow, but if you can understand why it is that a coupled guy (or girl!) might masturbate or use porn, you'll see that it isn't from a lack of interest in you. As long as he saves enough for you, his porn habit is nothing to worry yourself about.
Good luck.
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