A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've adapted a jealous streak. I'm pretty sure its only happened within the last few months since my boyfriend admitted to cheating when we used to go out (which lasted about 10 months).He was at one of his gigs last night as he is in a band, it may be innocent but, he got chatting to the singer of another band which is a girl and she gave her name to add on Facebook (apparently it was so they could do gigs together) because she liked their music. He agreed and came home and well never actually told me he just asked for a pen and paper and i said whos that? so then he told me. I am always thinking that everytime he goes out without me (which is rareish) or when im not at home hes either talking to girls or getting with them when out drinking. He does now and again give snide comments towards me about me an ex boyfriends which i do not like one bit but it seems that when i say something e.g what happened last night he tells me to not be stupid and that she was only 17. what should i say to him or ask him? I really need to get out of this state...
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (10 July 2011):
Hello again. In time you will trust him again, you just have to give him a chance to prove himself.
Just stay aware anyway, to anything that seems a bit out of character for him. And should nothing like that happen, well then that's good.
Don't be too concerned about him changing his password.
As long as he doesn't start becoming secretive or hiding his mobile phone or sneaky things like that, you probably have no cause to worry.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks to both of you. But just to let you know im not on his case all the time it was mainly that night. Think i just get a bit angry when i cant make it to go to his gigs and the time when he went out because his friend paid for him to go out because we were skint then my friends were all busy (not that i have many) Its hard for me to go out with my friends because i dont see them that often and only class them as drinking buddies. I only have a couple of main friends but one has a kid and the other is looking after her grandad because he is ill. So most of the time im stuck at home. One thing that has bothered me is that he has changed his password to everything as before we both knew eachothers passwords and werent bothered so maybe he thinks im checking up on him but im sure he wouldnt do it if he had nothing to hide ?? might just be being paranoid... I think i do trust him this time round because he has reassured me he wont cheat and hes not like that anymore. I guess i should be happy with what ive got now and whatever happens, happens..
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (8 July 2011):
Hi there. I realize it's hard to trust someone after you know they have cheated, but it is necessary if you want to continue on with your relationship.
It's probably fair to say, that because he told you about the girl in the other band and adding her to his Facebook because of future gigs, is most likely the truth. There'd be more to worry about if he acted suspiciously and tried to hide the piece of paper, but said nothing or worse still, changed the subject.
As he didn't do that, it does seem like he was being honest with you.
So with that in mind, the wisest thing you can do now is to just trust him completely. And continue to trust him, unless he ever gives you reason not to.
Once you trust someone, the relationship automatically improves.
Each time he has to go out and play in his band, just say to him - "Enjoy your night, and I'll see you soon." Just leave it at that, and stay calm but don't ask him lots of questions. Just don't go down that path at all.
And the next time you see him, whatever you do don't start interrogating him about who was there, who was he with, etc. etc. In fact, don't ask him anything at all. All you say is - "How was your night?" And just see what he says. No matter what he does say, don't ask him any more questions.
When you do quiz him every time he comes home or goes out, it can make you appear to be very insecure and needy, and controlling as well. You don't want to be that way.
So just give him some space and some freedom.
The more space and freedom you allow him, the much more smoothly your relationship will go.
Another thing you could do, is to go out a bit yourself - with your own friends. Start some hobbies. In other words, have a life of your own as well. Just make your life as interesting and fun as it can be. Then when you see each other again, you have a lot more to talk about.
The more interesting you make your own life, the less time you will spend sitting at home worrying about what he's doing and who he's with. Your mind just won't think about those things at all. You'll be your own person, with your own life and own interests and friends.
A confident, independent woman who knows who she is and what she wants from life, is a woman who all men find very attractive indeed.
Because women like that, don't actually NEED men to be happy. They make themselves happy and take full responsibility for their own happiness in life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2011): It's normal to be jealous and you have reasons not to trust him when he's cheated on you. He can't expect you to trust him all the time because he broke the trust you had. I do think that you need to learn to trust him. You're in a relationship and relationships can't last without trust. It won't come overnight but build your trust gradually and try not to ask him so many questions. If he cheats again, then you will eventually find out and he'll lose you. That should be enough for him to not want to cheat so just try to trust more each day. Hope I helped.
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