A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im completely lost...Help me decide...Long story short, (reality is much more complex)Im married to a gentle, loving, good looking and a kind hearted man. it has been 4 years now. We have been together for 6 years in total, we met in school...I am the only child and i was sent abroad by my parents when i was 14 to a boarding school then to another country for university, my parents has always been very generous and they want the absolute best for me, they are well financed and they always wished that someday i could live abroad as they believe that my country is not safe for building a family, very high crime rate, chaos, and too much stress.. and i agree in some ways though i love it where i come from, i know its not really a place to be..Before i met my husband, i had realtionships with a number of men, and one of them was my first love, lets say his name is Yan. We broke up because of long distance and because we were both very young, and i knew that my parents would never agree if we would have decided to marry later on as he is not a foreigner, he is average looking, he is shorter than me, and his family comes from middle class society...etc etc in another word they think i deserve much better than him, eventhough he is the sweetest, most passionate guy i have ever known, and we have so many things in common, but i know that my parents wouldnt be happy...I know this is my life, i should decide but I always thought my parents wanted the best for me and i should believe that. However, me n Yan remain very good friends and he always has a special place in my heart..So then i met Justin, who is now my husband at school, it was an international school with many foreign students, but he stood out becasue of his looks, charms and he was very friendly to everyone.. we bacame friends, eventhough he was goodlooking, i was never instantly attracted to him, i just thouhgt that he was cool and great to hang out with, somehow when school finished we started dating, we enjoyed each others company, and we both like to have fun and we have many common friends. Our friends think we re the coolest couple...and then came a time where i had to go home as my student visa expires, so we had to decide if we wana keep goin or stop..to keep goin we had to get married...i wasnt so sure that time i was only 23...i thought i was way too young to commit, but then i have my parents insisting that Justin was the one for me, and that this was a good chance to build a family in a great country...eventhoug i wasnt sure, i believed also tat it was probably the best option, so i proposed to him and he said yes immediately and he was happy, i was happy, everybody was happy....my parents were extremely happy, and seeing them happy was for me a relieve (i was not the best kid growing up)So our marriage is fine...sex is ok, my mother always told me a woman needs to know how to cook, clean and be good lover in bed, so i am like tat.. and justin is happy...and im happy when he is ...although actualy for me sex wasnt tat great, eventhough i talked to him about spicing things up, i never thought it was great...i had to fantasize all the time......its frustrating, but i always made sure Justin is satisfied...Justin is a nice man, but he is very closed, and very quiet, he loves to play jazz music, but he is not an adventourous man, he likes staibility, routine and he isnt spontanious...while i tried to adapt to him, my wild side surfaces sometimes and i feel that our marriage is very dull.....until one day i went back home for a holiday, and i met Yan again..and i was instantly attracted to him all over again, i couldnt help it, i fell head over heels for him, we talked, we laughed, and we had sex, the greatest sex i have ever had...(we were never sexualy active before) and seems to me the best and most fun 3 weeks ive had since school graduation....since then i always had my mind for him, i fantasize him alot and i always try to find an excuse to go home (20 hours flight) and see him....we wana be together so much..but with my situation its so hopeless..i talked to my parents about him, and they were very dissapointed at me, they told me to start trying to have a baby instead and forget Yan... i have been trying to forget and be happy but its so hard... i hate to say this but i didnt feel guilty when i was with Yan, i felt that we re meant for each other...but i couldnt go against my parents will and i dun want to put shame on them, i hate to dissapoint them after all they have given me, Im so lost i feel like im trapped....any suggestions..?? Thank you so much
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broke up, long distance, trapped, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2010): you owe it to your husband to tell him what is going on. he has a right to know and then decide his own course according to all the facts. Stop lying to him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHai thank you all for your time and honest answers, i really appreciate that.... trying to get my parents to understand is almost impossible, my mother is such a wonderful person, she always taught me about patience and loving unconditionally, she understood me when i told her about Yan, she had told me if that is what i want i should go for it. However the problem was my father, he is a very dificult man...growing up i watched him beat my mother over very small matters, and everytime i defend my mother, he would beat me up too..but my mother stayed and she always forgive him, many times i told her to leave him, i coudnt stand seeing them fighting, as a teenager i hated my father, he is violent and he goes to prostitutes, i always thought he is an evil dominant man, the only thing tat was good for us is that he is very generous, me and my mom were always financially secured, deep down he has a good heart, my mom always says that to me... sometimes he showd us love in a weird way, and he had been to rehab for anger management and he has calmed down especially after i settled down, he was very happy he bought us a nice house, cars and he made sure me n Justin live without money problem.. he has been much better my mother says, seems like he is glad and happy that i have found a nice husband from a good background ( when i used to date few men before marriage, he didnt like it at all) but anyway until now i could never have a normal relationship with my father. So when i told mom about Yan, my mother suggest that i wrote a letter to my father expresing how i truly feel (talking to him directly is impossible, he wouldnt listen) so i did.. and i wrote in a very emotional way possible hoping i would touch his heart, and somehow understand....but of course his respond wasnt what i expected...his respond was worst than i thought... few days later my mom called crying and begging me to forget Yan and learn to love Justin again, starting a family would be the best solution..my father didnt want to talk to me, i knew he had beaten up my mom for trying to make him understand ...divorce is such a shame where i come from, and with my father's ego, he would never let tat happen.... the thing i worry the most if i leave this marriage is my poor mother, all her life she has suffered so much, she could have a more peaceful life if i stayed married and have kids ... anyway.. im still lost..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): It sounds to me that your parents aren't as great as you make them out to be. Just because they have money and always supported you financialy, they sent you to another country as a child for education. Any way if your feelings for yan are real then leave your husband and get with yan. It is better for both of you, life is to short as you are currently living a lie. And again your parents idea to bring a baby into a somewhat fake relationship for all the wrong reason is just daft
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): Please you need to do introspection on your self?
i would better say that you do not deserve your gentle man hubby. i would love to get him after you leave him.
so better leave your DH and get what you think you deserve and face the life for future.
otherwise in no circumstances, you should cheat your simple gentle man guy who are hard to find for women.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): You're in a pickle. But it's a common predicament when you follow societal norms and expectation of others instead of following your heart. I would say leave Justin and be with Yan. You will grow to regret Justin and your family more and more if you stay in a dead, Ozzie and Harriet relationship. Forever is a long time to be unhappy and long for a lost love (or one you found). It is utter bullshit that your parents prefer a textbook marriage over a happy one...you need to leave that crap behind, even if th econsequences are severe, or you will NEVER be happy. I sugggest you tell Yan you need to settle things with your husband...and this includes a lot of counseling to be sure your heart and head are aligned. If Yan loves you, he will wait...he waited this long. Go find love, and it will find you.
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