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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I met a girl 10 months ago who is 2 years my junior at age 23. We hit it off and quickly our relationship developed. For the first two weeks I believed that she worked in a japanese restaurant, but it quickly became apparant she was in fact a karaoke hostess - a prositute but a glamourous kind (not a street walker if it makes a difference) - to Japanese clients on holiday in our country. To begin with I was taken aback but I have some experience with the sex industry and I understood why she was not completely honest with me. I was still treading carefully so I accepted her work but asked her to stop going home with clients- and just sing/drink. She agreed and I had no evidence to suggest she was lying to me. Her income dropped, and I happened to have a friend who she did not know, at her place of work, who reported to me she had moved from the list of girls who include sex in the service to the list of girls who only drink/sing. After a few more months we had begun to have very strong feelings for one another and she relayed to me that she wished to stop her work. I had also simulteneously been wishing she would. I suggested we move away from the city to the countryside and we did so, leaving her work behind and rented a house in a quiet area. Things were fine for a few weeks but she started to become irrationally jealous and accusatory and life was hard for us both, but after any fall out or argument we always made up and affirmed out "love" (as it had no become it) for one another. She admitted to having had a cocaine habit during work, and that now she was not using her moods were swinging wildly. Again I tried to be understanding and by now I was very emotionally attached to this girl. After repeated arguments over her need to be with me 24/7 and giving me no private time to be with other men or to be on my own, usually resulting in her jealous rages, we decided to move back to the city where she had friends and could entertain herself without me always by her side (although we still spend a great deal of time together which I enjoyed doing). We moved into an apartment and things were fine for one month but then the jealously erupted again and I was frequently accused of having other women, when I would go out to drink with my male friends. I had never cheated on her or given her reason but from what I know many girls who have worked in her line of work have issues with jealously and a general mistrust of men, which one can understand I think.Eventually living together became hard and she said things were so much better when she was working- she remembered the first few months when we never fought and I was happy for her to work but not see clients. But this time she wanted to return to sleeping with clients so she could save money quickly and buy us a house. I never left her wanting when she lived with me and my money was shared with her- to a comfortable level including paying her car payments (which a previous client had purchased for her 2 years prior- japanese clients in this country do crazy things like this).She had turned from saying money was not her aim but love was, and now she was saying she wanted to quickly earn money to retire and support us both, even though I had a good job. It become too much for me and I asked her to move out. We kept seeing one another often but usually every 3 days there would be a fight of some sort, either fuelled by my jealously for the fact I was now "sharing" her with her clients or due to her jealously when I had been out and was she suspected was me cheating on her. She has also admitted to returning to the occassional use of cocaine, which she claims helps her work. I have had repeated promises that she would quit but it never sticks. She is not addicted, as I have seen her go weeks without it, but when working she probably uses once a week at most, from reports from friends who also care about her and try to stop her using.We had a fight two days ago and I couldnt get her on the phone, and she had been drink driving so I was concerned for her safety, I went to her apartment only to find her with 3 female friends and one of her japanese clients, all eating together in her room. She came out, explained it was a customer, and I decided to leave as I had achieved my goal of checking she was ok.Today she asked to see me, and although I miss her terribly and still love her, I feel deep inside she will not change and I need a way to move on. But I just cant, she still has my heart and when not in a bad mood, she is the most lovely and charming person Ive ever met.I apologise for the length of this diatribe, I dont know exactly what I expect to hear but if anyone has some advice, it will be greatly heard. Has anyone had a similar experience but managed to end it happily, or does anyone have advice on how to move on. I find it hard to sleep at night without alcohol, as I miss her so much. I hate myself for it, but this is how it is. All I can be sure of is that she does have genuine love for me, as evidenced by all that she does and has given me, and I too for her, but that I feel she cannot respect me and has some serious emotional issues - perhaps they are insurmountable.
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jealous, money, move on, moved in, on holiday, swinging Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): Things can work, who knows this might be one of them. But the two of you need to sit down and have a serious talk. Having been in a similar situation I can understand what you're going though, but in the end either you accept she does what she does or you need to move on. The heart is a strong organ. It can make us do things while everything else in our bodies is telling us not to. But you need to honestly look at the situation and decide if this is right for you or not. And if it's not, you need to move on with your life now. good luck
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2009):
Dont leave her. True love can change anything. From your article it is very clear that both of you love each other.
So, dont take the easy option of dumping her. Meet some counsellors and try how you can help her. Where there is true love, there are miracles.Bad Things that have been learned by her can be unlearned, it will take time, patience and determination.
Wish you both happy life.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): thank you for responses. I am sure she cannot change. I think I feel a huge amount of loss by moving on, but moreso about what it could have been like and not about how it actually was. Lesson learned.. I just hope I can stop myself from calling her or answering the door. :) Time to man up. Thanks again for your honest responses.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (5 May 2009):
 Shrug, most hookers are messed up, what do you expect? They don't exactly see life from the sun side. Men use them and they know it. The money seems good but their is no security and the expenses are high. I remember one interview with a hooker, "how active was she sexually before she started work". Two boyfriends. And since? 800+ clients in a couple of years.
Using drugs is a way to escape the reality of life but of course is highly expensive. More whoring to be done, more extreem to get the money to pay for it. A never ending cycle and if somehow she manages to get out of it, there will always be something that requires money and the temptation to just a few more.
Your choice, can you deal with this, do you feel she wants to turn her life around or is it a hopeless case or just don't think you can handle it.
Yes, her emotional issues might well be insurmountable and love doesn't conquer all. Of course, if you dump her you would be just another in a long stream of men to let her down. But if she is hell bent on destroying herself, didn't take her long to get back to her old life did it? then there is little you can do.
I don't agree that she has a double standard. She probably convinced herself that her job is just that, a job. We might not see it that way but it might be vital to her self image.
Best of luck, to the both of you. Just remember that mutual love is rare enough, if you feel there is hope, try.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2009): There seems to be quite a double standard here - she goes off on one accusing you of cheating when all you're doing is going out for a few beers, but it's ok for her to sleep with clients as she's only 'working' and bringing home the bacon?
I think I'd be tempted to ask her if it would be ok with her if you registered somewhere as a male escort, and ask her - would that make it ok as long as you were bringing money home from it?
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