A
female
age
36-40,
*nhappyinlove
writes:My fiance and I have been together for almost 3 years. We got engaged 3 months after we started dating, but I have never been excited or happy about it. We have planned many wedding dates but I keep pushing it back further and further because I panic whenever I think about marrying him. He is an attractive, very sweet guy who loves me very much, but for some reason I just don't feel the same about him. He would literally do anything for me, but we fight quite frequently because he has a tendency to get on my nerves. My mother also isn't very fond of him, although he treats her very well and helps her out around the house all the time. I am in the midst of trying to plan a wedding for next year, but my heart is breaking because I can't talk to my mother about it (she is a bitter divorcee) and I am just not as happy as I believe a bride-to-be should be. I don't have the heart to leave him though because he has had a hard life and I'm afraid it would devastate him and he feels "safe" to me. Any suggestions?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): Vow, I wish I could give you a hug right now; I wish I could be there to sit and talk to you; unfortunately I cannot;
BUT
I am here and I can only try and give advice and make suggestions;
You have a lot of hurt and yes the situation with your mom and her bitterness towards marriage is adding towards your turmoil;
I URGE you to get counseling; you need to get help to deal with all the hurt and bottled up emotions; you cannot suppress it; it is not good for you; not physically or mentally or emotionally;
Do see your doctor and get medication for the depression; also ask him to refer you to somebody; you NEED to work through your emotions;
You need to get rid of all the "past" hurt; and find yourself; only then will you be free to make the right decisions for your FUTURE;
I am sure I your fiancé will understand that you need time to resolve these issues in your own life, before entering into a marriage; try and explain to him that you don't want to enter marriage as a bird with a broken wing; you need a little tie to heal, the broken wing and come to terms with all your emotions;
PLEASE, do get help; you have your entire life ahead of you; get somebody as I suggested to help you work through the issues; get rid of the deep rooted pain and problems; it is the only way you will "set yourself" FREE.
Take it easy on yourself; what you are going through is very difficult and yes, our emotions do affect our feelings; that does affect our attitude toward life;
You are a sensible young lady; don't waste your life and or time by dwelling on questions or allow this pain to destroy you; GET professional HELP;
For now, take a few deep breaths; seriously; breath in deep; inhale through the nose; hold your breath; for a few counts; challenge yourself in holding your breath, from 5 counts to like 10 or 12; then breath out through the mouth; almost like a big sigh;
For now, start relaxing a little; get to your doctor and do get HELP; you have a great future ahead of you;
You are welcome to talk to me on my Private Messages; and you can always rely on the "unless" and "aunts" her to be of assistance.
Best wishes and lots of SMILES from me.
A
female
reader, Unhappyinlove +, writes (12 July 2008):
Unhappyinlove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think counseling would help... I've had my mother and the fiance in question both tell me I should consider counseling before, I've just never gone through with it. I have emotional issues stemming from the broken relationship I've always had with my dad, so I don't really know to have a "healthy" relationship anyway. I promise I'm not crazy, and I try to keep my emotions in check, I'm just one of those people that would rather talk to complete strangers like you guys than my best friends... I think there's less judgment that way. For example, my mother and I are best friends, but I cannot talk to her about my relationship because she seems to think love and marriage are ridiculous ideas (as I said, bitter divorcee). I've never even actually told her that I'm engaged! I mean she "knows" obviously because I wear a ring, but I've never straightforward come out and said anything because I'm afraid of her reaction. Whenever we hear of someone getting married, she'll always say "Stupid!" like she's mocking them. It terrifies me! And she doesn't really like my fiance, probably because he comes from a poor white trash family, has very little money, and isn't the brightest crayon in the box (if you catch my drift). But he treats me like a princess, so she really should like him. It just makes me sad to think about it, don't know what to do... the more I amalyze things, the more problems arise!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): "Ask Oldersister"; gave you good advice, I suggest you do get medication for the depression;
don't rush into a marriage and try and avoid any serious emotional decisions untill you feel less depressed;
You raised the your concern regarding the depression and the relelationship; that is a very important factor and something that you will have to pay attention to; however, I suggest, get medication for the depression and then try and resolve these issues;
BUT
yes, it is important to get to the reason and the cause of why you are feeling depressed; If at also possible get counselling;it might help you to get to the root of your feelings.
Take good care of your health.
Best wishes and lots of SMILES to you.
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A
female
reader, Unhappyinlove +, writes (12 July 2008):
Unhappyinlove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice oldersister. It's just so hard for me to break things off because I do care about him and I know it will hurt him. I forgot to add in my earlier question, I suffer from depression which I don't take medication for, so it's confusing to me as to whether the depression causes me to be unhappy about the relationship or if the relationship causes me to be more depressed! I appreciate you answering my question because I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this. I often find that outsiders have a better, unbiased view of the situation and can provide solid advice. Thank you again!
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