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female
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anonymous
writes: ok, quite a long one here, but i really hope as many people as possible can help me on this!when i first met my fiance, it was lust at first sight. both of us had just finished from serious relationships and didnt want to get into anything heavy, but we also didnt want to loose eachother. after about 2 months we decided that we liked eachother more than just a casual thing and became very serious, very quickly, and im happy to say we got engaged.when we first met, he was also seeing someone else, who i obviously didnt know about. before we became an "offical" item, he confessed everything, because he felt so guilty as he started to realsie his feelings for me. obviously i wasnt happy that there was someone else, but we worked through it and became really close and honest about everything to eachother.he has a little girl, who is adorable, from a past relationship, and thankfully me and her mother respect eachother and seem to get on.( they broke up years ago because they argued too much)the problem is his recent ex.when he met his recent ex,she was going through a divorce and with a young child of her own with nowhere to live other than her parents he asked her to move in. after a while it didnt work out and they went their seperate ways.she is still very friendly with one of my fiances best mates and seems to be in constant contact with him. they have been split for 9 months and found out through the grape vine that we were engaged. he had quite a lot of abusive text off her, so one night i decided to call her, without my partner knowing , just to clear the air, to be friendly and to say that i have no ill feelings towards her. we actually got on really well, to the point where we were actually speaking for a good couple of hours on the phone. the problem being, she has put doubts in my mind about my fiance, her ex. she said that he has a terrible past of cheating on gfs and wasnt suprised at all to hear he was seeing someone else in the early stages when we met. she also droped a bomb shell by saying he broke off with someone 2 days before he proposed to me!!( this she found out through his mates) she also said that their mutual friends havnt given us an engagement card because they dont think we will last, because of his past, and because they think hes stupid to get engaged so quickly to me. she even described who was in our engagement do without her being there! she also told me that he had asked her to marry him while they were going out but said noobviously my fiance wast chuffed to hear we had been talking, but said he hasnt got any secrets and that shes lying because shes bitter as they had a very bad break up, as he fin with her.to me she honestly didnt come across as the bitter ex. yes she admitted that she was angry about how he treated her, but she honestly seemed really friendly and has asked to meet me! she said she felt really sorry for me bacause i had fallen for his charms and that id be one of many more, and as the conversation went on she said she liked me and warned me to leave him before he hurt me like he has with everyother girl hes been with. i cant see how someone could lie so much and in so much detail. she must know im going to talk properly with my fiance, which i havnt done yet, as hes away, so if she is lying, what would be her motive, only to make her self look like some physco. as i truely believe that this wont break us up.but i am very concerned about their "mutual" friends who seem to be going back to her telling her all our details. shes asked me not to tell my fiance everything that she said as she knows its going to cause a massive rift with his friends and probably with me and him.i obviously want to believe and trust my fiance 100% but the detail she went into about him seeing someone else behind my back that i dont know about, describing his past with the ladies, saying about his friends thinking this is a huge joke has gotten to me. i really dont want this to be an issue but it is. she told me that his family arnt what they seem and that i should be wary.which was one of the main reasons why she dosnt want me to tell him everything she has told me, because shes worried about his family, and honestly dosnt want any more agro from him or his family which would upset her and her young child. what do i do? do i confess everything she has said to my partner and hope we can work things out, or believe her and leave, or act as if nothing has been said. my partner isnt due back unitl sunday, so i cant talk to him properly unitl then, but on the phone he sounds so believable and confident that shes lying, what do i do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2006): Oh God! I wish I could save you from all these people who keep telling you to trust him because you love him. While their advice is true and morally upright and based on all the right intentions, they cannot know everything you know in your gut. You were worried enough to write here, weren't you? You know he's a cheater. And he hasn't changed, and he probably won't for you. (And the worst part is, right now, you feel just a bit of relief because someone is telling you unequivocally what you know is true.)
I was with a guy for seven years, true love, all that. People tried to clue me in gently throughout, and I trusted him because I loved him. (Good advice! Which I always will use in any relationship. I'm just not dumb enough any more to use trust as my only tool.) Eventually I found out that he had been cheating on me the whole time, with multitudes of women. Now, your case is probably not that bad. I can't say. Only you know. I left him. We stayed friends. I met his wife-to-be. I met his girlfriend. I listened to him talk about the other women he "befriended" along the way. And yes, they were all at the same time. The fiance, the girlfriend, and the other women.
Before he got married, I tried to tell his fiance that he had cheated on her. She just coudln't believe it. He never had the strength to tell any of his women. To this day, he can't admit it to me, even after I found absolute proof that he'd been cheating (many times over with many women). And even though he introduced me to them all and confided in me, he couldn't admit he was a cheater. He just couldn't tell her, so he asked me to tell her. She didn't believe me.
They separated a year or so later, so he could begin his relationship with his current wife. A few months later, he was telling me about some skank he met who he was "helping." He genuinely was trying to change his ways. And I feel bad for him, honestly, now that I'm far away from it. And for all the girls who fell in love with him.
My first piece of advice: don't tell him what other people are telling you. He will lie, and he will cover up. Worse, if he's got problems, he will threaten those people who gave you information. Stop talking to other people about it for a bit, unless they volunteer. Let his guard fall; let him think everything is fine. Then, dig just a little. Read his journal, look through his pockets and closets, read his email, whatever you can do. I absolutely guaranty you that you will find more than enough evidence that he's a cheater.
Don't believe me. I don't want you to. I want you to believe yourself. If you don't want to do all that (it is unsavory, I admit), trust your own heart. You know if he's too busy, if he says he's one place and you find he isn't, if he comes home smelling of someone else's perfume, if he keeps a travel kit in his car (shaving, etc), if he introduces you to female "friends" who act strangely around you, if his friends are telling you he's still cheating, if he has things you can't look at, if he is very guarded about his privacy on the telephone or with his computer, if he has crazy stories about why he's so late or why some girl called in the middle of the night. Etc.
Lastly, what do your friends and family think of him? Do they think he's an upright guy? I bet they don't. And I bet in your heart of hearts, you'd see that you called her because you had something bothering you. And you wanted to know the truth.
And if everything I'm saying is completely alien, then, of course, throw it out the window. Only you know yourself and your situation. All I ask is that you trust yourself before you trust him.
A
male
reader, loveable rogue +, writes (23 February 2006):
ok i wouldnt put u contacting his ex down to doubt. i could maybe be that your nervous... like everyone who gets engaged. And whatever his ex says she is still his x. she is in fact an x because they are not compatible, from your story at say that you and him are. dont throw it away becuase of that. (and her details are spot on because yes you guessed it they were together for 9 months was it?) just talk it out together but make sure the x doesnt find out... that will give you more hassel than you could ever imaginegood luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2006): One of the most important things to learn in life, is that you have to trust the people you have made a commitment with. There will always going to be outside forces that try to destroy what you have. But either your relationship has honesty and trust, or it's doomed to failure. You have to talk with, believe in and work with the person you have made a commitment with. So talk to him. Tell him that you care for him, ask him what is going on. The moment you start believing in rumors and gossip and thinking it's more important than the person you are a partner in life with, you're going to have trouble. So no matter how hard one tries, there is no way to justify straight out gossip. Words can be used for both good and bad. It’s important to set a positive mind set, as well as goals for yourself to force yourself to avoid listening to bad things said about others. The ex gf's motives for telling you all this, is questionable. She got hurt by him so she's asking herself, why should be 'happy with you'? Relationships with anyone is risky, sometimes people get hurt and it happened to her. That's life. We all go through it. Don't talk to her again and realize he may have made some mistakes before you. But that doesn't mean he'll do it to you. You just have to choose whether you can live with his past and accept him for who he is with you, in the present. People can and do change for the better. Loving anyone is a big risk and many of them have past baggage but when they do find that special person, they work hard at their relationship with that special someone. You could be that 'special someone' to him. USe your instincts and common sense. If his actions and behaviours have given you any reason for you to doubt him or mistrust him...then go with that. Don't base your future happiness on gossip and heresay from his old gf and so-called 'friends'. Now go and be happy...ignore the negativity that threatens this relationship. Be strong and
believe in this relationship. But remember, ike I said before...love is risky but if you fear the risk, then you won't experience love. Take care hun
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A
female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (15 February 2006):
 This woman may not present as a *psycho ex* but what else has she got to get out of this other than to make you miserable.
I read to much on here about "his/her friend(s) told me blah blah blah" and it makes me wonder......why do you listen to these people and not the person you profess to love?
You should listen to your own instincts, sure maybe his friends are a little doubtful of this relationship if your fiance has rebounded from one woman to another several times! How about talk to your fiance and then challenge these friends about their contact with this ex.
If the friend admits to what was said this so called friend needs to be binned as they are unhealthy to be around and potentially damaging to you both in the long term. If they dont admit it, and you believe them, then you need to put it to the back of your mind and ignore this litle witch!
Just becasue she came across as *nice* does not mean she has your best interests at heart. She would probably like nothing better than to be the cause of the pair of you splitting up.
Confide all your worries and what has been said to your man, and work on things from there.
I wish you luck
xx
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (15 February 2006):
This woman may not present as a *psycho ex* but what else has she got to get out of this other than to make you miserable.
I read to much on here about "his/her friend(s) told me blah blah blah" and it makes me wonder......why do you listen to these people and not the person you profess to love?
You should listen to your own instincts, sure maybe his friends are a little doubtful of this relationship if your fiance has rebounded from one woman to another several times! How about talk to your fiance and then challenge these friends about their contact with this ex.
If the friend admits to what was said this so called friend needs to be binned as they are unhealthy to be around and potentially damaging to you both in the long term. If they dont admit it, and you believe them, then you need to put it to the back of your mind and ignore this litle witch!
Just becasue she came across as *nice* does not mean she has your best interests at heart. She would probably like nothing better than to be the cause of the pair of you splitting up.
Confide all your worries and what has been said to your amn, and work on things from there.
I wish you luck
xx
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (5 February 2006):
 Put the marriage plans on indefinite hold until you get this matter sorted.
This isn't an "either/or" scenario, because it's perfectly possible that both are lying, or both are telling the truth, or that there's a little from both at each camp. What you need to do is listen to your doubts, particularly the doubt that made you ring the ex in the first place.
I'm not saying that the ex-gf is telling you 100% of the truth, because most people can only tell you their *version* of the truth when it comes to their exes, the "truth, as they see it". But if her descriptions corroborate other problems you know about with your boyfriend, that should be enough of a red flag to make you stop and think.
She could have motives for lying to you (for example, so he's free again and she can have him), but take what she's said at face value for now and add it to the larger picture you're developing of him. It's not looking very good, overall, by the sounds of things... There's a lot of unexplained behaviour and underhandedness and outright lying there to be worked through.
I suggest that you speak to your boyfriend and ask him about the specifics of that conversation. Don't judge his answers, just make mental notes.
Do you find that he's admitting any wrongdoing? Is he denying everything? Is it *obvious* that he's lying about some things? Is he tripping himself up with denials and whoppers?
Again, add all that to what you already know. If you feel uncomfortable about his history, DON'T get married yet. Remember, that your boyfriend has had a lot of relationships recently and all of them failed for one reason or another. Then ask yourself: what is the only common factor in every relationship? Answer: HE is.
Give him a chance to tell you the truth, but don't necessarily believe everything you hear, because it doesn't sound like he's telling you everything.
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A
female
reader, janet +, writes (4 February 2006):
you will know what is true in your heart. and after all everyone has a past. if you think this is the man for you then you need to beleive that what he say's to you is true and how do you know that his ex does not want to see him happy. have you ever asked him about it? if you can not trust him then you should not be with him as relationships are based on trust. ex's can be bitter after a split and maybe this is what she is trying to do split you two up. go with what you know and feel is right for you and do not listen to anyone else.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2006): Trust the ex gf. I called my mate's ex as well to get the dish on a man I did not trust. He denied it at first. That's what liars/cheaters do. They lie. You're right that if you guys are older, she should have no motive to paint the ugly picture. Investigate some more before you condemn but I would be prepared for the worst. Happened to me and I'm glad I found out the truth. The truth is always more preferable than being in the dark about someone who you are contemplating spending the rest of your life with. Even if it hurts. Time will heal it and opportunities will arise for you to meet one who is more worthy
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A
female
reader, StarNews +, writes (4 February 2006):
 I dont know if it was such a good idea to contact the ex. There must have been alot of doubt for you to decide to get in touch with her. If you had trusted in this man, there would have been no incentive to do that.
There is a good chance that what she is telling you is the truth. And if it is, you need to realize that he will never change. I became very good friends with someone in a similar situation that you are in. She and I had the same thing in common...we were seeing the same man who turned out to be a cheater and the liar. I confronted him with what I knew, and he told me she was the liar. I chose to believe him, though my gut instinct told me not to, I followed my heart. I found out later, he had more women than I could even imagine.
The only advice I can give you, is to be cautious and observe this man. Dont rush into anything. If you are having doubts, that is a sign that something isnt right. You want to believe him because you love him. But think about it, if you love and trust him, it should come naturally and you shouldnt be going thru this.
What does your family and friends say about him? I would choose to listen to what they say, as they can see things sometimes you choose not to see when you are in love.
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