A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i am 46 yrs old, married for 25 yrs, all of our children are grown. we got married because i got pregnant. It was my husbands idea to get married. He wanted to do the right thing. After our daughter was born we had two more children, a son and another daughter. Eventually we grew to love each other, but it was obvious that we got married because of our children.My husband works a rotating shift at work and i work days. We enjoy each others company and have a very good friendship. We go out to eat, movies, vacations, we laugh, enjoy a common opinion on politics, humor, we genuinly like each other and adore our children. - i feel as if we are beginning to feel like "room mates" as we only have sex once or twice a month. He is in his 40's also. I ask him about it and he says that its due to stress from work, or stress from thinking about the kids to make sure theyre doing okay, or stress about bills (we recently bought a house).I feel as though there are a number of problems. Lack of sex being one of them. My husband isnt very affectionate, but he feels that by being a good provider is his way of showing me that he loves me.Early on in our marraige we both had infidelity issues to overcome. I suspect he's cheated on me numerous times but i am only aware of three. I cheated on him two times. He is only aware of one.Since that time - weve both forgiven each other, but its hard for both of us to forget it. This adds a level of distrust in our relationship.Because of the distrust that i feel - i tend to "smother" my husband and make him feel guilty. Ive made a lot of improvements as i get older, but recently my husband told me that i am needy.I know that i am - i feel that during childhood i felt a sense of abandonment and whenever i make close friends i feel devistated when they move to another place for whatever reason. At work, i feel as though i work to please my boss or give 120% to get "atta-boys" as if my worth is measured by attention and compliments.I hate feeling this way and wish i could stop - again, i have made a lot of improvements, but i dont want to push my husband away.Empty nest, infidelity, mistrust, insecurity, low self esteem, no sex - so many issues.Is my marraige doomed. How can i fix me??
View related questions:
at work, cheated on me, infidelity, my boss, self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, me724 +, writes (15 January 2013):
You know sometimes you have to think about your own happimness. I went through two deploymentsts, my first child when he was away and nothing could prepare us for the worst. He got home fine, but did have a dificult time re-adjusting. Either way, problems began and he said he wanted to separate even though everytime we talked he said "im not sure what I want" well one night after giving hime "space"and going to my mom's home with my daughter I decided to come back to our apt and found a girls 34b bra and pj shorts on our couch. Finally the truth came out. I kicked him out. Anyway after all our problems, he decided he wanted to be with me.Later on so i decided to give it a chance. I can admit i think he does love me, but i cannot forget about him being with someone else. I hate it. i cant get over it. I think about it everyday. He was the type i thought would never EVER do that to me. I honestly dont think i can be with him because of the amount of pain i feel and now I feel guilty because I cant forget about it.
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (2 April 2012):
 No, I don't think your marriage is doomed. Let's face it, you've overcome some serious hurdles in the 25 years you have put together.
What I do sense though is that you are starting to have second thoughts on whether you want to continue the second phase your life with him. After all, all the responsibilities associated with your marriage are now ending or have ended. While you and your husband's relationship isn't the greatest, there are some nice things to be said about it: he is a good provider and the father of your children and you do share a history.
What you are experiencing is normal and associated with being an empty nester. Part of getting over the fear and anxiety you are feeling is realizing what is behind the thought patterns you are having -- which I suspect you are beginning to ask yourself if there is someone better out there for you. While, there is no guarantees that the future is going to be any rosier than the first 25 years, it is ultimately a decision you are going to have to grapple with.
If you feel the need, I would recommend that you see a therapist -- perhaps on your own. It might help you discover and resolve some of the issues that you are dealing with. Obviously, if both of you have strayed in the course of your marriage, something is missing and a therapist can help you identify your source of discontent and ultimately make you feel whole again. Please feel free to reach out to someone, so you can resolve whatever is going on.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): It sounds to me that you love your husband but would be a lot happier if he was demonstrative and desired you. Having a child so early in your relationship with each other, meant that you both hit the deck running! You probably didnt get the time to bond properly as a couple and the need for love and affection was met primarily by the children instead of each other. So you never went short of the love, hugs and cuddles but it was all with the children. Then they left home and left a gaping hole. Maybe your husband has stoically sucked it up, while you have turned to him to fill that void and appear...to him...as needy!
Or is it possible that YOU lavished all your love on the children while they were growing up and bebuffed your husband? If he was slightly sidelined by you and he adapted to less attention. It might be very difficult for him to unlearn the habits he has formed around you for 25 years. If so, you could appear needy to him simply because he is not used to the attention you need from him.
You could rediscover what it was that attracted you both so much that you created your first child together! But it might take some couples counselling. This is not about YOU needing to change. It is about both of you having to make some changes. Try a heart to heart talk with him and ask if he is willing to try some counselling. You are still together after 25 years and infidelity, so you must love each other! Things just need a little retuning.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): i am in my mid-40's and have been married for 20 years too. I have come to the conclusion that marriage, even a successful one, is a very windy road - anything but a straight line to happiness. I have found over the years that i can have jealousies, pettiness, self-centered thoughts, etc., etc., that really seem more appropriate for a dramatic teenage girl than a grown middle-aged man. Yes we gain wisdom with age, but we also slip into adolescent emotions sometimes as well - especially when it comes to love.
I will say that your marriage is not over. He has not left. You have every opportunity to make things work.
Avoid the inclination to "sum-up" or label the totality of your marriage based on just a few actions or incidents. Also, don't put all the changes you need in the marriage at his feet, like a burdon your unloading on him. It will feel like a burden to him too. Its not fair, and he will not like, being made responsible for your happiness. It may be what is pushing him away already.
I would suggest just acting as you want the marriage to be. Treat him as you would like to be treated. Dont obsess over his reactions. this will take time, but I believe that after a while things will start to change. He will also start to act differently. Just remember not to over analyze his every response. Give it time. You say you want more affection? Touch him, hold his hand, cuddle up next to him on the couch. You would feel more connected with more sex? Initiate blow jobs. I dont know any man who wouldnt appreciate this. If he says he is too stressed, ease into it by giving him a massage first, that slowly escalates into a BJ. Again, dont do it just once and freak out about his reaction. Try to do it more frequently. Dress sexy around him. Have a drink ready for him when he comes home. Again, all with no expectation of anything in return. I think you will find that after some time of this, those warm sexual and loving feelings in him will re-emerge.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): *Note- by "older people" im meaning people older thsn i am.
I'm only 20, but my mom has mentioned a lot of the same things with her and dad. As for the empty nest, a lot of older people* i know have gotten a dog to be a receptor for the nourishing needs. My parents and aunts and uncle's have almost all gotten dogs because they needed to take care of someone.
I personally find taking care of animals to help with self-esteem issues and insecurities.
Another thing I suggest is find some friends and go for walks or other activities. In my community a lot of older people* take classes at the community college to meet people and give themselves something to feel accomplished.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (2 April 2012):
 Have you thought about having some counselling? It sounds to me as though you really want to change your relationship with your husband, have tried a few different things, but they're not working. Maybe its time for professional help. It can't hurt to have someone else's perspective/suggestions. Would your husband go along with couples counselling? Because that would really be a huge benefit. You can't 'fix' your marriage on your own, it takes the two of you to work things out, together. Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2012): Hey
I dont know what marriage is like, but i do see you said i have made improvements and not we, if your both not in it and giving it an honest try then id say it pretty well is, cause losing trust alone is like breaking a leg of a chair, it dont stand.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (2 April 2012):
 i dont think your marriage is doomed your still together & the problems you describe are all part of this phase in your life. You have stuck together through thick & thin worked through problems & have just bought a house
Nobodys sex life stays the same & with the pressure your husbands under he WILL feel stressed out
You have had the role of carer nuturer to your kids for years but the ppl you work with your husband & friends dont need nurturing you dont have to please them all all the time So try a day at a time to ease up on it & change
I would embrace the years you have in front of you . Discover your husband again Be a couple a partnership dont smother him. Find new interests without him too now you have the time Its the next stage of your life & its time to adapt chill out & embrace it xxx
...............................
|
