A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys, really need some help here, really getting me down! Ok so basically, i met my boyfriend of eleven months at uni last year. I know this is going to sound so typical and what-not, but during the first few months of our relationship we were great! We couldnt keep our hands of each other, we would always be laughing and joking, he was my best friend as well as my boyfriend.Yet as this relationship has gone on he just seems to have changed. Dont get me wrong, im not naive enough to believe the honeymoon period lasts forever but he just seems to have changed so much. I just want to say that im not saying im perfect etc. But we've gone from seeing each other every day and having a very healthy sex life to him actually groaning (and not in a good way) and making it so very obvious that he doesnt want to touch me. We have sex maybe once every 3 weeks, and although i appreciate that the urge dies down, its just changed so much so quickly. He will only kiss me on the cheek, i have to work so hard for a hug or for him to hold my hand, even just a scrap of affection which i really crave is only given when i bring up the issue. I won't lie to you, im not thin and im not attractive. But c'mon!! He found it easy enough to begin with!! Its not just the physical side. Emotionally too. We were born in different parts of the country (him north me south) so over the summer holidays we've seen less off each other, but we've made it work around each others jobs and actually managed to see each other quite a lot. Yet i just feel like hes changed how he sees me.It almost feels like hes changed his mind but doesnt have the heart to end the relationship. We dont laugh over little things like we used to and i dont feel like hes my best friend as i used to. Maybe it'll all snap back to how it was when we get back to university and its just over the summer we've cooled down a bit. But he was starting to act like this before we went for summer break. He's an amazing guy and i do love him. But i feel like i'm just waiting for him to finally get up the courage to do what will make him happy.Please help this is driving me mad!!!
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female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (19 September 2011):
 Spanner28,
I was struck by some of your comments. It is true that in many relationships, one person - could be the man, could be the woman - does more of the calling, texting, getting in touch, etc. It is also true that men do like to be the ones pursuing the woman.
My father used to say "A man chases a woman until she catches him." What does this mean? I interpret is as being yes, let him do the phoning and inviting you to get together - for the most part, but I think it's fine when a woman is interested in someone to be the one to ask him if he'd like to have lunch together, and see where it goes from there.
To get back to the business of "the chase." It's important to realize you both are busy people with lives of your own, and not expect to spend all your free time together (might be fun for a while, but there is the risk of it getting stale after a time).
You've only known your bf for two weeks. Not much more than a blink of an eyelid, so to speak. He works a very long day and as you realize, is tired at the end of it, as he has told you when you spoke to him. His response was not unreasonable - and I'm not saying YOU don't work hard and stay busy, yourself!
It was good that he called and texted every day in the very beginning, but why do you expect him to keep it up? Your relationship is still extremely new.
I know all relationships are different and have their own timetable, but generally speaking, its better to let things take their time and see how it goes over a few months, until one or both of you decides to be exclusive; or that this isn't going to work, for whatever reason, and it comes to an end.
Can't say I've heard of any counsellor recommending very critical or harsh comments to anyone "you" are dating. Not putting up with nasty, rude, manipulative behavior, of course, is a very different matter and not to be tolerated.
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (19 September 2011):
OP,
I'm sorry to hear how upset you are over your bf's diminished interest and attention (particularly, but not only) in sex. You know, one thing is that "what happens in the living room, affects what happens in the bedroom." So, take a look at the tenor of your relationship overall, and how well you get on together, and whether there are a lot of differences in your backgrounds, interests, lifestyles, etc. Maybe you should sit down and talk with him, if you haven't already. Another thought is that relationships do sometimes not stay the course for the long term, and that could be what is happening to you.
I hope not.
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