A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Please give me advice!!!!History- married 15 years to highschool sweetheart. Never dated anyone else really. I have 2 children 13 and 8. I am a very attracted women with a great career. My husband and have had out ups and downs but overall I Sm happy. I am not sure he us the one I would have picked now as we have very different personalities and he takes me for granted a lot. Not too romantic but he is a good hearted person and a good dad.So here is the issue. I get hit on all the time but never look or think twice until....I met a manager at my job 3 years ago at a meeting. He lives in another state. I had an instant attraction like I have never had before and I thought he felt the same way. Btw he is not my manager. We were very professional but I caught him staring at me. Thru out the years he would text or send me a fun email which I thought was strange as Nevis married with3 children. The last year we have started to text and email daily. I have fallen in love with him and he has with me. I haven't even seen him for 2 years and have never done anything phyical. We know we can't be together because of the destruction it would have in our kids. But we are so much in love and it it so hard for us. I know we should stop and we have tried but we always come back. I want to be with him someday but I am not sure he will ever be able to leave. Not sure I will either. It is easy for an out sider to stay stop u ate risking too much and we both know what we are risking. He makes me feel so loved and special. We laugh , inspire each other , cry together...etc. He is my soul mate! I have never felt thus way fir my husband. My question is has anyone ever had this happen and how did they desk knowing that neither can break our kids hearts. Not that selfish.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): You are living in a fantasy. You are hurting your family already, and not giving yourself to the family like you should.
Your husband and family can't compete with fantasy. Your reality with the new guy can't compete with the fantasy either.
Example:
Tall handsome guy comes into a workplace, well dressed, well spoken, intelligent, well built, married, attractive wife, beautiful kids, nice looking family, high income, well to do, honest, loyal, dedicated to his family.
Young attractive single woman at workplace thinks "I'd like to have that and be the attractive wife with kids." She fantasizes about it, thinks how great it would be to be the spouse of this desirable , flirts with him shows off her attractive young figure with the best clothes. He goes for it, gets involved with her at the affair level, divorces wife, marries her, they have kids.
Her reality is that she is married to a cheater, who abandoned his wife and kids for her, and as soon as he stepped over the line with her what she was seeking CEASED TO EXIST. She can't trust him, she knows he abandoned his wife ("wait, I'm the wife now").
Suggested reading:
http://www.amazon.com/After-Affair-Healing-Rebuilding-Unfaithful/dp/0060928174
http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Affair-Program-Together/dp/157230801X
http://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Relationship-Infidelity/dp/074322549X
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): I had something similar happen in my life, but I didn't have the affair. My wife did.I was with her when she in the WORST time of her life and she had nothing or no one. I was there. We fell in love gradually. She was the most beautiful thing I ever saw and she was so sweet and smart and polite. I just had to get to know her. Our romance flourished and we got serious. After a year and a half of commitment, I proposed and a year later we were married. I have always been really good to her. I don't cheat or abuse her. I help her with chores and bills and everyday life. We are also planning a family together. She always tells me how I am the best thing to ever happen to her, our sex life is red-hot and she says I am always there for her and I am very attentive and romantic. SO what went wrong?? Good question!! She is bipolar 1 and has been through a HORRIFIC past that most people are not subjected to. But I still love her and married her despite this. She went to work at a new job and she had an affair with a coworker "friend." This "friend" began texting and emailing in private. The two of them began an emotional affair and it went on for 10 months. I discovered the texting and eventually I found out the secret email address. My wife got careless and underestimated my watchfulness. I had suspected for some time and I kept my eyes open. When I saw the text messages saying "I miss you too and I will be thinking of you all weekend" I was IN TEARS.I was heart broken.I guess she was enjoying some kind of excitement and a high from having this secret affair and new emotions of crushing on someone again...But she is my wife. Not my friend.My WIFE.She took vows with me in front of everyone we know. We are planning a FAMILY and our FUTURE together. I listen to her problems and we live together. I care for her when she is sick in bed with a fever. I walk 2 miles to get her ginger ale and stay right by her in every way a spouse should.When she was developing feelings for someone else and she was being sneaky, it was killing me.Every day when she was getting excited or happy about someone else sneaking glances at her or making flirty, or sexual comments, I wanted to die.Every day I wanted to just die.She lied to me CONSTANTLY about talking to this "friend" and lied about the nature of her feelings and what their conversations were about.One lie after another. Not what marriage is built on.One night she went to "visit her father." She actually snuck off to meet this friend and tried to have sex. They didn't. She was shockingly rejected.Eventually, we talked and she admitted to it, and she asked me what we should do to fix this. I told her to simply CUTT OFF ALL TIES with that friend. It was destroying our marriage.She agreed to it, but then kept sneaking contact.I discovered it again. And again. And AGAIN.Enough was enough. I told her to end it, or I was DONE.After many arguments, she sent an email to her friend and said they would NEVER talk or see each other again. She is married and loves me and is planning a family and there is nothing in their friendship but DRAMA. SO, my advice to YOU is to either leave your husband and go be with him, OR cut off that other man and be faithful to the man you married. Don't make him feel the way my wife made ME feel.It was killing me. That is NO way to live or to make anyone else feel. And if he knows, that is exactly what you will put him through.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2011): The other man represents new needs that you have grown into over the years, but that you haven't figured out how to disclose to your husband. If there is any way to spice up your relationship with your husband, go for it. Take small steps. Change things slowly. There are reasons you married him, and if you leave him, you will miss him. Long married couples can stagnate if they don't feel free to evolve, individually, and as a couple. How has he changed, in positive ways, over all this time? Tell him. Men like to be reassured that they're doing a good job being what they are. Try doing for your husband those little things that you wish he would do for you. He may be slow to catch on, but as trust and understanding grow, he will probably begin to reciprocate. Your "emotional affair" is just that- emotional. You seem to be missing an emotional connection in your marriage. Don't give up on that before attempting to cultivate it. When you were young, it was exciting enough to fall in love. Then it was wonderful just being in love. Now, it takes a little creativity to rekindle the spark, and it takes a little work to stay in love. Before you changed your title to Mrs. and before you changed your name to Mom, you were a singular person. You may have buried aspects of your personality under layers of responsibility. So has he. Take some time to share some of your wonderful individuality with your hubby and kids, and be supportive of them doing the same. Encourage a climate in your home in which everyone, including you, can ask for, and receive, the emotional support they crave. As things improve at home, you may become less and less obsessed with your incoming emails and text messages.
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH  +, writes (21 March 2011):
 Well there will be a lot of people on here that know exactly how you feel. Thats how a lot of us come on here in the first place. Broken relationships and affairs, are very common.
I understand that you feel rather let down by your hubby, but believe me, the grass is not always greener.
You may think you are soulmates with this guy, but if you break your familys up and get together, the chances are stacked against it lasting anyway.
Try to focus on making things right at home for your family. You cant help who you fall in love with, but be aware that you could lose everything Is it truly worth it?
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A
female
reader, -Lonely +, writes (21 March 2011):
I am currently going through the same thing...only my story is turning out differently.
I am married for 10 yrs, ended up with a guy from my past (never dated), he was married with no kids. He would call me everyday, sometimes 2-3 times a day and talk for hours. I loved the attention, as my hubby never wanted to talk to me even for 10 minutes. He proposed that we spend a night together stating that "just once he wanted to know what it would be like to wake up with me in his arms." I did it, I got away for a night we had sex. I told him that I loved him and he claimed that he could not tell me that while he was with his wife. I was devistated. Plus, I broke my marriage vows. Then he got distant, and claimed he was working on his marriage. I cut off ties with him. Apparently during our break up, he had alot going on and his wife told him she wanted him to move out. She supposedly found the hotel receipt.
He contacted me again. I swore I would not fall for him, but I did. I tried to break up with him citing that I love him and I cannot sit around hoping that he will love me. As he blantantly told me that he was not going to tell me what I wanted to hear. Yet claimed it was more than sex.
I am not trying to make this my vent, I guess what I am trying to say is that any type of affair is hard to break away from. When my affair was just emotional, he was all up in my head. I would think about him when I was supposed to be spending quality time with my girls (this is time I will never get back). I would think about him at work. I didn't care what went on around me as all I could think about was him. I would text or call him while my hubby was in the shower. I did not care. I was all about him. He made me feel good. I was waiting for, wanting and desiring any type of contact with him. Then he pulled the rug out from under me. I still am having problems "letting him go." Yet I have no reason to hold on to him. I thought, like most women, that when he left his wife that he would want to spend more huggie, special time with me. He is actually pushing me away. It's like he wanted to hear "i love you" and now that he heard it again, he is done with me and moved on to someone else. I keep hoping that he will change his mind and be all into me again.
If possible, just try to prepare for possible heartache as you stated you two basically cannot be together. I knew when I went into it that we would never be together although secretly I wished for my happy ending. Instead I have heartache. Best of luck to you.
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