A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Do any guys have experience of erectile dysfunction and overcoming it? My boyfriend is in his early 40s. At the start of our relationship sex was great. He was really keen and adventurous. Then suddenly things changed after a few months. I noticed a change in his interest in sex and he started rejecting my advances.Everything else is more or less good. When things are good between us we are like best friends.But the sex is a problem. He says he isn't interested after the first few months. Or he puts it down to being tired from his physical job or his blood pressure meds etc. But recently, I've noticed he loses his erection a lot during sex. Or that he complains that he isn't very hard and wants to stop. And he tells me he only has sex to stop me getting angry. I have a high sex drive and when it has been a while since our last sexual encounter, I start to feel frustrated. Even though I mentally try to be patient and understanding, I subconsciously feel anger and resentment. He told me he notices this and gets angry that I get angry because of sex.It's just such a difficult thing for me. I feel that there is something more to it than him just being tired etc. I feel there is a psychological issue going on. I feel, in a way, that he is punishing me by witholding sex. Because he knows how important it is to me, to feel loved. I have a gut feeling that there is something he is keeping from me. He has been honest that he knows his desire and stamina isn't what it used to be. But I think just writing it off as getting older and being tired is a cop out. I don't think getting older is a reason to stop having sex. Plus I am younger so he knows I havn't had much experience and want to enjoy my sexuality and have fun with it. I don't want sex to be the cause of such difficult emotions and sadness, which it has been for the last couple of years. No matter what he says I can't help feeling that he simply isn't attracted to me sexually. That the sexual chemistry doesn't exist. But the fact that it was so strong at first gives me hope that we can have a good sexual relationship. It's strange though, when we aren't having sex, I am so attracted to him, and I really want to have sex, but when we are about to have sex, it feels really awkward sometimes, and I noticed this at the start too, although the sex was good and fun then. Especially kissing. We don't ever really make out. It feels awkward, so we just have lots of closed mouth kisses.The thing is, although I am young and want a great sex life, I don't want to just have sex with anyone. I really love this man and want to be with him. I've had flings with guys without the attachment there and I regret it now. So my question is, is it possible for a guy who has ED and low sex drive to want to overcome this for his partner? And is it possible to do this? This is breaking my heart. I love this guy, but this is killing me inside. If he's just not attracted to me in that way, I would accept it, I just wish he would tell me. If he is still attracted but is just finding it hard to get in the mood, if he loves me, why wouldn't he want to make more effort to find time to get in the mood. So for this, I can't help feeling he either isnt attracted to me sexually, but likes me enough to want to keep me around(I could understand this if he wasn't so bothered about sex, then he would just be able to lie and pretend he was atttracted, just low sex drive) or he just doesn't really value our relationship enough to make more of an effort. He could just think, "well, we've lasted this long, if she stays she stays, if not, oh well". He kind of said this to me once, and that this is how he thinks in all his relationships now, that he keeps part of himself back. But surely thats no way to have a good relationship? I give everything when I love someone. And I'm open to anything in the bedroom to keep it interesting. He's just not interested in anything. He asked me for a quickie before. Then after he blamed me for making him tired from the sex, because apparently the only reason had sex with me was because he thought I'd be angry if he didn't.God this is so head wrecking. Any advice would be greatfully received :)
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male
reader, Daniel the love doctor  +, writes (22 August 2011):
 I've written an article about this very issue on this site and I'll repost it here for you and the other anonymous commenter who has someone that's suffering from ED. Hopefully you both find this information useful...
Erectile dysfunction (ED), also known as impotence, is a condition that affects an individual’s ability to achieve or sustain erection during intercourse. The most common reasons for this are: stress, poor nutrition, lack of rest/exercise, or it’s a side effect of medication.
If you’re suffering from this condition and want to do things the all natural way to help fix the problem (sorry Viagra), then here are some things that you could do:
1. Change your eating /drinking habits. If you’re the type of guy that eats whatever you want without really considering how it may affect your body, then this may be the cause for your problem. Start by eating healthier with foods that are rich in vitamins and antioxidants. Don’t drink too much alcohol or soda either. Instead drink pomegranate juice and green (or black) tea- as this could provide you with many benefits for your penis.
2. Do Kegel exercises. You’re basically strengthening your PC Muscles- and moving more blood into the penis to achieve long-lasting erections (trust me it’s not as scary as it may sound). There are numerous information sources on the net on how to do these properly and successfully. One easy way to practice (or locate) a kegel is by urinating. Yes, you heard me. You do this by starting and stopping when you pee. When you stop it instantaneously, the squeeze to control it is called a kegel (*you don’t need to do this every time you have to urinate. It’s just for you to get an idea on how to do them). And don’t be surprised if you notice more spontaneous or harder erections. They are the benefits of doing these exercises.
3. Relax. Another problem is the individual’s ability to relax. Many times us guys put too much pressure on ourselves to perform well in the bedroom. And the result of this pressure can cause anxiety, stress, or doubt. Start doing meditation, take up yoga, or get weekly massages. Do something that could help free you temporarily from life’s problems- so you could learn how to you control your breathing and heart rate. And when you’re about to have sex, you should be able to just take a few deep breaths, and you’ll be much more calm.
Realize that as embarrassing as this condition may be, if you’re in a relationship with someone, you should communicate- and let them know how you feel. Because I assure you that they are aware of the problem. Let them know that you appreciate them still being there- and you’re trying to work on a few things to make your sex life better. And then follow the above tips.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2011): Dear poster and anonymous! I'm extremely interested in this topic, because I have the same problem now for almost 7 years.It is about my husband , he suddenly stopped having erections, and sexual desire. But it was very strange, because it was so sudden. But ever since, he has a chronic ED and lost his desire all together.Now, we went to countless doctors, but they never found anything wrong with him. It is kind of a mystery now.Very painful journey. And I can totally understand where are you coming from.And in your case, you are so much younger, so it should give a good boost to his desire.Now my question is to the 70 years old gentleman.So, you are saying, that you are 70 , and everything is going fine?Are you getting good erections, and your desire is ok?And before you did have problem, but it was connected to bad diet?Or ,you just didn't feel stimulated at the time?The doctors are saying, many guys have this problem in their 40 es. Do you believe that? I'm s so confused....
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your question. I don't think he is seeing anyone else, and we have been together for a couple of years like this now. So our emotional relationship is strong, not on the wain, but sexually it is difficult.
There is a good possibility that he isn't attracted to me. I am overweight and have gained a gew pounds since we got together. However, I have also lost weight in this time, and I didn't notice a change in his sex drive. Although I'm not going to rule that weight could be a turn off for him. It could be he loves me and was attraced, and thinks he still is, but subconsciously he is turned off by my figure. So in a way he is lying to myself, because he loves me. This is possible, even though he assures me he would be the same if he was with anyone else, whatever they looked like. But I know this could be a white lie to reassure me.
It could be that he has had a lot of sex in his life, and it is not a high priority anymore, so he is happy to sacrifice physical attractiveness in a partner for the sake of a good relationship in all other ways.
In my heart I feel this is the case, although I know he was attracted to me at first. I'm sure it's all kinds of things really, stress, bad diet, everything. I simply want it more than he does and right now his body is so tired from work he can't cope with the sex life I want.
But at the end of the day, I do need to experience a great sex life. It is high on my priorities. And as much as I love this guy, if we can't make changes in the future, I will sadly have to accept that I will have to sacrifice being with him, or my sexuality. In the meantime I am going to work on me. I'll lose weight, get into an exercise routine and get in good shape, for my own health and hapiness. I will look after us both better with good healthy food, and see what happens. I think if I'm more body confident, I will be able to make my side of our sex life as good as can be, which will make it more enjoyable for him. I think I need sex as reassurance that I'm attractive. But if I look after myself more I won't need that assurance, because I will be self assured.
We'll see what happens. Thank you for your useful advice. Problem is my bloke hates veggies and loves meat, potatoes and alcohol lol. Will try to sneak more veg in somehow ;)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2011): Sorry, I am a regular contributor, but I can't remember my number. I am 70 years old and had a low period myself about 20 years ago, but I brought myself back and have even fathered a child recently. Quickly, ED often is the result of a bad diet or a poor diet. It can also be the result of stress. But, it can be, also, that he is turned off by you, I hope not. The best thing is to get him on a diet that has more veggies in it and is not so much meat and potatoes and no alcohol. He can use viagra, but there are also natural remedies that have enzyme treatments and allow a guy to get a "buzz" and feel good where it counts. It can help him get it out into you. But, it may be that you and he need some counseling and the reality may be that he is seeing another woman and your relationship is on the wain. If you think so, seek counseling.
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