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writes: Hi everyone. This is my first article, so hopefully it will be okay! This article is about anorexia. Yes, I have an eating disorder. I am doing really well with the recovery process, but it still gets difficult at times. I got thinking a while ago about what triggered my downward spiral into anorexia, what kept it going, what makes it seem so tempting even now...and this writing was the result. I have shown this to a few people, and have been told that this is something which could be useful if shown to a wider audience. Which is why I am submitting this.I suppose I have two main hopes in mind by submitting this article. I hope that, if someone reads this and is suffering with an eating disorder themselves, they will see that they are not alone, and can take some comfort from that. I also hope that this might help people to understand a bit more about eating disorders, and about how anorexia is about so much more than wanting to be thin. I am not saying that everyone with anorexia feels the way I do, or has had the same experiences. But I do think that some things here may apply to others in this situation.I wrote this a little while ago, I guess it was sort of like talking to myself. It was very open and honest, and a great release for me.I was considering posting this anonymously, but then I decided that there is nothing to be ashamed about. I suppose anorexia is an illness, like any other. Okay, well this is it. This is what I wrote one quiet Monday: "Part of me just doesn’t know if I really want to recover from this eating disorder. The possible consequences seem too scary. More than scary - more like unbearable.I know that I have had issues with food for a long time, many years, but I think it became full-blown anorexia more recently. It spiralled out of control when I started college. Not straight away, but something about that time made me go the way I did. I think it was because I felt pressured from everyone. I felt like everyone had these expectations of me, and I worried that I wouldn’t be good enough, that I would let everyone down, and be a failure. Anorexia was like an escape route, a plan I was hatching in the background.When I started at college, I had no intentions of going to university. I just wanted to get the certificate, and take it from there. Maybe do a counselling course. But it just seemed to be expected that everyone was going to university. Nearly everybody else was, if not everyone. I felt pressured from the other students, and from the tutors, that I should be going to university after the course. So, I went along with it. I tried to convince myself that I wanted to go, when really I knew that I didn’t. And of course, when other people found out my plans to go to university, everyone was so proud of me. It made it worse. I thought that it was too late now, and that if I didn’t go, I would be a failure, and that everyone would be disappointed with me.When I saw my doctor one time, I proudly told her what I was doing at college. She asked me things like what else I did in my spare time, did I meet up with any of the other students outside of college, did I do any activities, etc. Because my answer was no, she seemed to think that it was a problem, like it wasn’t enough. I started to wonder what more people expected from me. Like the way I live my life isn’t correct.At the same time, I was (and still am) thoroughly miserable at home, due to neighbour problems. My college classes didn’t start until 10am, but I would get there as soon as the college opened, at 8:30am, and sit and work in the library. Anything to get me away from the situation at home. I’d stay there for as long as I could cope, working, then come home when I had to. I used to feel sick with dread walking back. I didn’t want to come back. I felt like I had nowhere to go, and I was tired.Somewhere along the line, my answer to everything came in the form of starvation. It was really easy to lose weight and to not eat. And I did have a plan. I knew exactly what I was doing. People would warn me that I would make myself ill, and end up in hospital, but that was the plan. That was what I wanted. I thought that if I became really weak and ill, I would probably just stop functioning and would be admitted into hospital. There, nobody would expect me to do anything, nobody would put loads of pressure on me to do more, be more. I would be able to just rest. I wouldn’t have to go to university, and I wouldn’t have to go home. People would take care of me, and I wouldn’t have to be strong. I wouldn’t have to be an adult anymore, with adult responsibilities. Maybe I would even be able to go back home with my parents. Or maybe I would just die and finally find some peace, escape into my dream world.On the outside, in the eyes of other people, I was doing really well. But I felt bad inside. I wanted people to see that, to take notice of that. Again, starving myself was my way of getting that message across. When I started getting weaker, I told people that I wouldn’t be going to university after all. They replied with things like, “Oh well, you can go next year then, when you are better.” I wanted to scream at them that I didn’t WANT to go to university, not now, not ever. I just wanted to complete the course, get the certificate, and maybe do another course, or some voluntary work. But people seemed to think that I should be moving on from college now, and that I should start doing proper work, in a real job, instead of voluntary work. Again, it seemed that my plans weren’t good enough in the eyes of everyone else. I used to have these dreams that someone, somewhere, would come along and save me. Someone would see what was happening to me. Maybe a knight in shining armour would come along and take me away, so I would never have to go back to that hell for a home again. Or maybe he would just sort them out and be done with it. Either way, somehow, I prayed that someone would notice my plight and rescue me.When my plans came to pass, and I could have gone into hospital, the reality and the seriousness of the situation hit me, and I found it very frightening indeed. So I decided to try going the other way, towards health again. And I seem to be doing a good job of it.This is where I’m supposed to live happily ever after, right? Well, it doesn’t feel like that. I mean, I reach a healthy weight. Then what? Is that it? I’m all better now, no problems? What excuse will I have then for being a failure? What escape route will I have? If I become healthy again, people will expect me to do something with myself, something that I don’t feel ready for. Like get a job. Even now, certain people keep asking me about what my plans are, what I intend to do with myself. It’s like they are just waiting for me to recover fully so that they can drag me into a job or something.And no one will save me. I will be forced to remain where I am, stuck at home in a situation I feel sick about, living by someone who both scares, disgusts and angers me. And even if they were to go, I hate living on my own. I feel so alone. I even have long conversations with myself, as if someone else were there with me, and I chatter away about anything and everything. There is no one else to talk to. And I feel terrified, vulnerable on my own. I hate it, and there is no way out.Somebody did mention that I will have to set myself some new goals, and I agree with that. But I just don’t see the point. I am not good at anything, except when it comes to my weight. I’ve tried voluntary work before, and it always ended with me being unable to cope. I couldn’t cope at college. I seem to be incapable of making friends. And I think I will never, ever have a relationship. Ever. I couldn’t afford to go anywhere nice because I am too busy paying the rent, or prescriptions, or dental treatment, or for eye tests, or any other bills, like everyone else I guess. I pretend that I don’t want these things, friends, a boyfriend, a job, a nice place to go, a nice home where I feel safe for once, but of course I do. I am just like anybody else. Except that I am no good at anything. The only success I have had has been with my weight. I was determined to lose weight and become unwell, and I did it. Then I was determined to gain weight and become healthier, and I’m doing that too. That’s it. That sums up my abilities and skills. It’s the only thing I can control, the only thing I feel good at.Who will I be without anorexia? I can’t answer that, I don’t know. Nobody really, I suppose. Nobody will be worried about me anymore, nobody will care for me. I don’t want to be strong on the outside, because I don’t feel strong on the inside. In fact, I wish I could be a child again. That’s not going to happen if I put on weight, is it? I will be physically capable of doing all of the things I am supposed to be doing, like working, forming relationships, etc. But I will feel incapable inside. And people won’t see an ill person anymore. They will just see a lazy person, someone who isn’t trying hard enough. I am trying. But nobody else will see or believe that.Is this what I am getting better for?"Thanks for reading this, and I hope it reaches someone. If it helps someone, then even better. x :-)
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anorexic, lose weight, neighbour, university Reply to this Article
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your comments Jayne. It means a lot to me. That's what I was hoping really, to raise more awareness and understanding about anorexia.
I am getting some ideas together for another article I am thinking about, which will be about the recovery process, and what that's like.
Thanks for your support. :-) x
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reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (18 July 2009):
 Hi Sam,
Thanks for posting this article, it took a lot of guts. I'm very interested because my boyfriend's daughter has anorexia and she has sufered with it for almost ten years. She has organ damage from it and teeth problems, etc, so she is stuck with the consequences for life. Reading this has helped me to understand a bit more about the illness and what motivates it. I also have a neighbour who is a prick, so I can relate to that as well! I would be interested to hear more about it.
Anyway, I hope you can recover fully, and one day live your life the way you'd really like to. And by the way, you're wrong about only being good at the food thing, you are also a very good writer.
Cheers,
Jayne :) x
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks HereToHelpx. What I described in the article, I don't feel that bad all the time, just when the going gets tough I suppose! But yeah, I do think that a lot of people could probably relate a lot to some of the feelings I described, if not the actual experience. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2009): I second Oldguy - Wow really was the word I was thinking of after reading this. I can't begin to imagine what you have been/are going through right now. This article gives a lot of insight and comes straight from the heart. I'm glad you decided not to post it as anonymous either, what you posted was a brave thing to do, and you have my respect! Whilst I'm not or never have been anorexic, this article will help greatly for those who are suffering from it. I know to some extent how you are feeling about college/university. Not going to talk about myself here though :). You should never be what other people want you to be. Live up to your own expectations and not others. If you're content with how you are( aside from anorexia), then other people need to accept that. I hope things will get better from here :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou, Old Guy, for your comments. I have to admit I was thinking "what have I done?!" when I first submitted this!
I'm glad it has brought a bit more understanding into what is behind an eating disorder. And I can understand when you say you have experienced similar emotions. I think everybody does to some level, but people use different ways of coping.
Some people use alcohol or drugs, others use cigarettes, some go from relationship to relationship, some self-harm, some become workaholics, some use food, whether it is overeating or undereating...the list is endless. But I think that, in a way, they are all cries for help, and a way of trying to cope with what is going on inside.
Thanks again! x
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): Wow, Samantha -- thank you for sharing that. I feel like I've learned a whole bunch. That kind of candour, that intense honesty, really cuts to the chase and brings people in to your world.
I've known people with anorexia, but for the first time I feel like I understand a bit of what's behind it.
FWIW, although I've never had an eating disorder, I've sure had the feeling of being trapped and desperately looking for an escape. It's a very unpleasant place to be.
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