A
female
age
30-35,
*osalieRosa
writes:I have been gong through a very difficult time these past few months. I had recently broken up with the biggest Casanova I'd ever dated (he had kids and a wife etc.)So a few months later I meet what I thought was my knight in shining armor, boy was I wrong. Mr. Perfect was still living with mom at 38, kept an unfulfilling job, which he was constantly complaining about, constantly broke and always criticizing me about what I wore, where I went, with whom I went and how many guys had hit on me when I go out. At the beginning I thought it was just innocent jealousy, but slowly I began seeing the red flags; like when he "jokingly" said he was going to hit me one day because he loves me too much. Fast forward to a few days ago when I went to a BBQ with a few college friends. I lost my phone so i couldn't talk to the rest of the night. I had a great night and the next day he went through my bag and accused me of cheating when I was angry that he went through my bag. He walked out on me and dumped me by email. Why do I feel so upset by this? A normal person would be running for the hills.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (30 May 2014):
 because any loss is hard to deal with.
and because you are scared to actually go out and find someone appropriate... being with the loser bf and the married lover made it easy to keep your life the way it is.
NOW you have to heal yourself and get emotionally healthy and find a good appropriate partner (at least you feel you have to) and that is scary.
It may be because you make bad choices by mistake and are afraid to do it again (in which case counseling will help you figure out how to make better choices)
or it may be because you don't think you will ever meet someone (you will)
or it may be because you know you make bad choices on purpose to avoid something and know you need to stop that.
I strongly suggest you find a counselor to work with to figure out what you want in a partner and how to find an appropriate partner that is not peter pan living at home or married with children....
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 May 2014):
 You're upset because he dumped you when all along you knew that it was just a matter of time before you dumped HIM. You're feeling jilted and small and that is making you upset because this pathetic man actually had the nerve to dump you when it should have been the other way around.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 May 2014):
 I honestly think you are more angry at yourself for continue to see him with all the red flags that you.. sort of ignored.
Stop beating yourself up, they guy was a jerk.
I agree with Tisha - you need to take a good hard look at yourself and figure out WHY you date these men. I mean a married man? And then a 38 year old who still lives at home and you didn't hear FOG HORN noises before jumping into anything with them?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2014): Once you're on the other side of the hill, stop dating older losers. You have to work on your taste in guys, and the choices you make. You set yourself up for the treatment you received; and that is a sign that you need to sort things out about how you feel about yourself as well. Don't talk about how rotten they are, when you agreed to be with both of them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2014): You're offended by the injustice and you're angry that you invested your feelings once again to be disappointed. You are hurt by the unmitigated gall that he would have to falsely accuse you of cheating, and then dump you. With no other evidence than he couldn't reach you.
It is always a blow to our ego to be rejected by anyone; even if they are a total jerk! You're human, you feel pain when people say and do hurtful things. It's only natural
that you feel you needed to prove your innocence, and he
never allowed you to. So the injustice is caught in your throat. You liked him until he gave you a reason not to.
Right now you are in shock. Under these circumstances, it is difficult to discern one emotion from the other; because you're feeling so many of them at the same time. Been there and I've done that.
You need to give yourself time to sort out your feelings.
You do recognize the fact he is an ass-hat, and that he truly had no right to go through your purse. That was a personal violation, and he was falsely accusing you of something you did not do! When your feelings settle, you will began to realize what you actually feel. Disgusted!
Violated! Totally disrespected!
You are cognizant that you should be running for the hills.
Hold that thought!
First you have to recover your dignity after some ace-wipe when through your purse and grossly disrespected you. Then you feel you had no opportunity to defend yourself; before you were tried and convicted.
Does any of this make any sense?
He did you a humungous favor. It's called self-elimination.
He wasn't good enough for you, and he showed his true colors all at once.
Now run for the hills!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 May 2014):
 So, why is it that you have chosen to date two men who are really poor choices? You're going through a difficult time these past few months because you decided to date a Casanova and a Mummy's boy with a controlling streak.
You see red flags and ignore them until the relationship is in such turmoil that it ends.
One of these men "jokes" that he's going to physically abuse you and you stick around?
Why are you upset by this? Maybe there is something going on that is causing you to choose such appalling men in order to reinforce the negative view you have of yourself? Maybe you are too young and naive and trusting? Maybe your mother and father had similar history and you are simply repeating what you saw and normalized as a young girl?
We can speculate and create theories but it's all useless unless you decide that you will take ownership of your choices as an adult and then.... make better choices. Don't know how to do that? Get counseling.
You're upset because you have handed over control of your life to creeps and jerks and when the creeps and jerks hand it back to you, you don't know what to do with yourself.
Some of us aunts here will say "wise up and don't do it again!" I'm guessing you don't know how to "wise up" and so I will say instead, go figure out why you are choosing such losers. It may be difficult and it may cost a little money. But it is your future and a very good investment now. Otherwise you may wind up repeating poor choices forever. Some bravery and some difficult work on yourself now will save you 60 years of miserable crappy men and relationships.
Go be brave and figure it out.
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