A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My previous boyfriend had multiple relationships behind my back, this has caused sever stress and insecurities for me. I’m am now in a relationship with someone else, for a year now. He is supportive and very patient and understanding of what I went through, but I am a very anxious person and I’m very paranoid. Unfortunately I’ve started to become quite controlling as a result of my anxieties. I don’t want to be this type of person and I am starting therapy but when something triggers me I have a panic attack and whatever it is, I tell him what he is doing makes me uncomfortable and ask if he can not do it. He is supportive and agrees to stop but I can tell this is really frustrating him because he does what he can to make me feel secure. I’ve already put a distance between him and a a girl friend I thought they had a thing for eachother and told him not to go to yoga with a class of girls and now his snapchat that he’s so secretive with is really bothering me. Help! How do I stop being so controlling? But also voice my boundaries? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (26 April 2020):
 I agree with WiseOwlE that you CAN NOT punish your CURRENT partner for what an EX CHOSE to do while dating you and what you CHOSE to ACCEPT while dating the ex.
It's absolutely UNFAIR of you. And your BF will eventually have had enough and walk away.
YOU CAN NOT control another person's behavior, accept that.
You CAN, however, control YOURSELF and YOUR choices.
Telling your BFD he can't go to Yoga because the classes a full of women is well, SILLY! Because IF your BF wants to cheat on you, not taking a Yoga class is NOT going to stop him.
You think by having these DEMANDS that HE can't do this or that or see/talk to this or that person that he won't do bad things behind your back? That is not how life works. PEOPLE who WANTS to cheat or talk to other people WILL find a way. It's not hard. OR they will dump you for being controlling and "crazy".
It's OK to have boundaries. But it doesn't mean your partners automatically will accept them or SHOULD accept them. Trying to isolate your BF from "all" women who he could potentially want to sleep with is NOT realistic. And you are NOT his mother, it is NOT up to you to tell who he can be friends with and talk to. Not even if it "triggers" you. Things that "triggers" you, are things YOU need to work on. And a therapist can help you HOPEFULLY get the tools so you YOURSELF can start sorting your insecurities out. She/He can FIX them for you, neither can your BF. THAT is on you.
He is being secretive because you are not acting like you trust him (because you don't) and because he DOES have to RIGHT to his own privacy and who he wants to talk to, and befriend. No one likes being told what they can or can not do, especially if they aren't doing ANYTHING "morally or ethically wrong". Like going to Yoga!
The more you RESTRICT him, the more he will eventually say fuck this, and do whatever he wants. Doesn't mean he WILL cheat on you, but he will have had enough and decide for HIMSELF what HE feels is OK and what is NOT OK - you know HIS own boundaries.
If you want a healthy relationship, it has to start "at home", meaning WITH you. The way you are acting and treating him is NOT healthy.
Work on YOU. Not him. You CAN NOT mold him into the perfect BF by controlling him or admonishing him for things you THINK he might or could or perhaps will do.
Let me put this on it's ear.
Let's say you love wearing short dresses, you love doing your make up and you have a LARGE group of friend you love to hug and go out with. You behave decent when you are out, dancing, laughing and having a good time.
You meet a guy who last GF cheated on him. She also liked short dresses or... maybe she was just a female. So you two start to date and he is "triggered" when you want to see your friends or wear a dress or make up, so he makes demands that you CAN NOT wear dresses or put on make up. You can't go out with friends, you can't go to the grocery store unless HE is with you or you Facetime him the whole time you are gone. You have to hand over your phone so he can go through it too. Because if you care you don't need any privacy at all, right?
He slowly ISOLATE you from your life. Because HE has insecurities. HE has boundaries. THAT he wants YOU to follow, not just respect his boundaries but FOLLOW them.
What would you think of such a relationship? Abusive, right? Borderline NUTS! right?
THAT is (though in a milder form, so far) what YOU are doing to your BF.
YOU can not stop someone you are dating from doing BAD things if they WANT to do BAD things. You can however, be picky with whom you CHOOSE to date. Do they have the same/ same-ish values, morals, boundaries. Do you both respect the other person and want to make things work and when things get tough, can you both compromise, find a solution? ( not talking cheating here, though, that should always be a deal breaker IMHO).
Just like you can't make someone love or respect you by force. No one wants a Stockholm Syndrome kind of hostage relationship, right?
Think about it. Then think about what YOU can do FOR yourself and with yourself to IMPROVE yourself. Be the best YOU, that YOU can be. Not for other people, but for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2020): First-off, in spite of what other people have done to you; you are still an adult. You are responsible for your own self-control. The common-excuse these days for bad-behavior is what you went through with somebody-else. There is always somebody-else to blame for what "we do." Excuse me, I am me...I think I should be judged on my own merit, and as an individual. Your current boyfriend only has to put-up with but so much of this. Everyone has a limit. Your patience reaches its threshold; then enough is enough!
Therapy is fine, but unless you are severely traumatized to the point of hysterics; you still have some level of maturity, and expected to maintain some control over how badly you behave with others. Don't control him, control yourself. He's a grown-man! He won't let you anyway! If you have really bad issues, because of abuse and anxiety; you work on those things before you drop all that baggage on someone who only wants to love and care for you. Meanwhile, they are doing their best; while you excuse yourself with the rationale you can be crazy, because some other guy(s) messed you up. What the heck does your past have to do with him now? If you can misbehave and act-out; then I guess he deserves a little leeway to make a few mistakes. Therapy does not make people grow-up; and it does not cure jealousy. Some faults and flaws in our behavior are our own responsibility to manage; and you have no business in a relationship until they are. One-day, the X and Z-generation will learn that in a relationship, you must give your partner what you want from them. That's reciprocity. It's called "entitlement;" when you give little or nothing, and expect a lot!
You should write-down 10 of the most important things you need from your partner, and you should ask him to do the same for you. Then put aside some quiet-time, with soft-music, and scented candles to talk ( have a sensible, adult-discussion) about how to make the relationship better. Check the list daily, and work on one item at a time. At the end of six months, show your partner what he or she has fulfilled successfully. Don't use that time to air your never-ending list of grievances. That is the best way to disconnect and shutdown all bridges of communication; and guys will avoid discussions about the relationship like the plague! Who could blame us?!!
Usually, the person with all the complaints is the one who needs to get their own act together. They see all the faults in somebody else; which leaves them little time to introspect and work on their own issues. Your grocery-list of insecurities are your business. If you want your partner to respect you, and be considerate; then let him know what boundaries not to cross in those areas. He does not, and should not, have to tiptoe around you! He's looking for a girlfriend...not a second-mother! Being bossy and controlling will drive him out of your life! That's self-sabotaging; because you have trust-issues. You can't believe anybody can do right by you, or really love you. Although, they have to take huge emotional risks themselves; while dealing with your bad-behavior and insecurities. One hand washes the other. Your relationship is neither built nor centered around your issues, it's a two-way street.
You are a grown-woman. Nobody should have to tell you how to control yourself. Therapy will not do that. Therapy will help you to come to terms with issues that cause you anxiety or unexplained fears. Whatever hidden or buried-events in your life that adversely-affect your behavior. Counseling will get to the root of your problems, and figure out a way to cope. It's up to you to get a grip on reality; and behave like a responsible, lovable, and intelligent-adult. Therapists are not miracle-workers, who turn reckless and impetuous people into model-citizens. That falls on you as a responsible and mature-individual.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2020): I once read a quote that said “don’t punish current boyfriends for the sins of past boyfriends”. I know that’s easier said than done, but I too find myself sometimes projecting issues from past relationships into my current relationship. It’s hard, but you need to get to the point of rationalizing that your best revenge on your liar ex is to have a healthy and happy relationship now. Panicking and stressing with this current relationship lets your ex win and still have power over you.
I really think therapy will help! It’s very powerful and cognitive behavioral therapy can change your brain and help immensely. In the meantime, work on consciously recognizing these behaviors and stopping yourself. If you’re worried about his Snapchat or texting, go for a quick walk. Call a friend. Stop and do a word search or something. This will renavigate your brain to refocus. Sometimes I’ll even shout STOP loudly when I catch myself going down a worrying path.
Trust is the most important thing in a relationship, and I’m so very sorry you didn’t have it before. No one deserves that kind of treatment. But don’t allow that to take the joy away from your current relationship. You want him to trust you also and feel comfortable. If you push him away, that will be an even greater loss. Another tip- I would try NOT to tell your BF every worry and concern. Yes, it’s important to be honest and have boundaries, but you’ll exhaust him especially if he’s not actually doing anything. Try to differentiate which things are your anxiety and which things are actual concerns with him. Likely you’ll find that 9 out of 10 are just your anxiety flaring up. I wish you the best!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2020): I've been where you are; my ex husband was emotionally and mentally abusive, and in my new relationship, it has triggered quite alot of things.
But here's the thing; Your boyfriend is NOT your ex. They are different people, with different thoughts and morals.
I know it's hard, it's quite similar to PTSD, but you have to start thinking about the positive qualities in your boyfriend. So when the negatives start, such as, "He has a friend that's a girl, he's going to cheat", you interupt that thought pattern with a "He is so lovely, he did a nice thing for me today" and focus on that until the negative goes away. It's easier said than done, I know, but that helps me.
I think it's a good idea if you go to therapy as you mentioned, it'll change your thought pattern and hopefully alleviate some of your triggers.
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