A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am looking for opinions of others I would like to know if I am wrong? My Husbands daughter invited us to her house For Father's Day weekend. She lives a few hours away. When we got there nothing was planned. She had no food in the house we were never even offered a drink. We had to go buy all the food and all she gave him for Father's Day was a lousy 50 cent card. Mind you she is in no way financially hurting. I was extremely annoyed by this and not even for myself but hurt for my husband because he is always so giving . I didn't say anything about my frustration until he told me it was Father's Day and I should be planning something. I said no your daughter should have planned something and at least had a meal for us is that to much to ask? He got extremely angry with me and said some pretty nasty things. I have hard feelings towards his kids because they behave like this. They are adults and they know better. I think he should say something. Let them know it is hurtful that they make no effort. I so want to say something but I do not believe it is my place it is his. When he says things about my children and I know he is right I confront them I say one thing about his kids and he goes into a fit of rage. In no way would this behavior be acceptable if I were to behave in that way. I am just curious as to how you would handle this? Thanks in advance for your advice. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 June 2014):
 I agree for the most part with WiseOwlE.
However, I would look at it differently. I would SIMPLY stop having ANY EXPECTATIONS of manners, courtesy or good behavior from HIS kids.
I would REFUSE to DISCUSS his/mine with him, He would no longer be "allowed" to harp on your kids and you will in return not bring up his kids.
My BIL's daughters invited him out for dinner for Father's Day. MIND you they told him that HE would be footing the bill... He just had major repairs on his car so paying for his 4 daughter + grand kids at a restaurant wasn't in the cards for him (or rather I think he just didn't WANT to) so he ended up coming to dinner at our house, as I had cooked a "happy Father's day" dinner for my husband.
When someone has a Birthday - his kids bring nothing - we bring a present/card to whomever has a birthday. At first I thought it was rude of them, but... now.. I just ignore their bad/rude behavior. They got nothing for our kids (I don't really care about hubby and I, but the kids?) and we got something for everyone.
When we did Easter I cooked the main meal and they were all TOLD (by their dad) to bring a side dish/desert. They showed up with nothing. I had kind of figured that so I WAS prepared with extras.
So what I do when we have family gathering is, to not expect a DARN thing from them. NO help, no nothing.
It's who they CHOOSE to be. Selfish individual who think they are all the centers of the universe. Partly because that is how they were raised, but more so because they CHOOSE to be that way.
So accept that HIS kids aren't very respectful or mindful. Be prepared for them to exert nothing for you and your husband. IF you go in with that mindset there might be less upset.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2014): WiseowlE No there was no cross communication. His daughter is single and when she invited us there I was with my husband. She didn't want to be invited to our house because that would have cost her. And I do know she is ok financially because she has told her father her financial situation. Also she doesn't have a credit card. Basically she is taken care of by her employers. My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years and I only helped raise one of his kids. The one I did help raise is now an adult and is a great person. And this isn't just a father's day thing they do it at his bday or xmas. Some xmas' they have come completely empty handed. Not even a card. Just an attitude of give me give me. You did open my eyes to see this in a different way he is hurt by them but doesn't want to show it and when I say something his true feelings come out. Some of my kids are Still at home they are young teens and I want his help and feed back most of the time. He also holds them at a higher standard then his own. I just want to be able to talk to him civilly without him going into a rage . Thank you for your opinions they are greatly appreciated. It always helps to have a different point of view. Thank you thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2014): I feel he is completely in the wrong here. His daughter having invited you should have planned things and let you know ahead of time what was going on. You could maybe have brought a dish of food or something if you were going to eat in. They should have bought him a gift too assuming they can afford that, but the least would be a meal and not to offer you a drink is crazy. Tell him all of this calmly. He owes you an apology at the least. Sounds like he can dish it out but he can't take any criticism even when it's totally justified. Yes it's hurtful to see his children fail but he should not be telling you it was your responsibility. That is ridiculous.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (17 June 2014):
 Wiseowl is spot on. Your husband is just being defensive because he is hurt and disappointed how his kids treated him. Do not say anything about his kids the way they treat him as its like adding salt to the wound. I would suggest be nice and kind to him and make up for his kids. This will only strengthen the relationship and he would appreciate you more. Remember no point kicking someone when they already down. Just be kind and supportive because eventually all this fighting will result in resentment and a disaster for your marriage. Don't compare your kids with his as he will feel that you are bias because its your kids and they are always better. I know that's not what you mean and have no intention of showing that your kids are better mannered. Trust me, he sees it by the way they treat and appreciate you. Being a father, he will always do more and he is the type of dad that will continue even though his kids take advantage of him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2014): It is obvious your husband is totally embarrassed by his children. He is only pretending he is unmoved; but he is hurt and took out his true feelings on you. He couldn't explain his daughter's lack of appreciation for her own father. What reaction would you expect from a man who sets a double-standard? What could he possibly say in defense of his daughter, when they invited you and didn't prepare?
Your children probably had a better upbringing. You don't get on the defensive when he offers criticism toward your children's behavior, and your reaction is to set things straight. Offering him the option to co-parent their upbringing.
Simply put, maybe you're a better parent; and raised your children to know better.
Now here's the tricky part. He turns the tables on you when you make comments regarding his children. Whatever you say reflects on his parenting. He didn't teach his kids to be appreciative. In fact; they were expecting you and your children to come to their rescue. Prepare dinner, suggest to them what to do, invite them over, and possibly buy your husband a gift. His daughter and her husband were left with egg on their faces; when you didn't call ahead to offer any help.
Who knows what conversations go on between your husband and his children unbeknownst to you? Was there a cross in communication perhaps? That they were coming over, instead of inviting you over?
You don't say how long you and your spouse have been together. You don't mention if you assisted him in raising his children, or if they were adults when you married. You left out a lot of details, in fact. You got right to your complaints about them; so whatever we advise is based on nothing but the Father's Day incident.
In all fairness, you don't necessarily know what their financial situation really is. Only what you perceive.
People live on credit cards and look pretty successful, and financially comfortable. That is, on the surface.
If things about their troubles were kept from you and your husband, you caught them with their pants down. She probably expected you to ask them over; which may be the usual routine you have done in the past. There is no history or commentary given regarding "your" relationship with your husband's children. Is this the first and only time this has happened?
So lets just generalize on the double-standard you suggest.
If you let it happen and never put your foot down about it; it becomes the norm. If you've never suggested to him you resent his defensive reaction when you offer him your opinion about his children's behavior, you imply it's okay with you. He freely criticizes YOURS! Did you ever tell him that you will not stand for a double-standard?
If you marry an assh*le, and you never speak-up; they get older and increasingly more abrasive and obnoxious. He's set in his ways, and you're too passive. If you're always passive-aggressive about your feelings, and never take a stance; men like your husband will walk all over you.
I assume you both are in the same age-group, and he has adult-children. They are the reflection of their parents.
Criticize his brats, you criticize him. Passively allowing him to criticize your children, allowed him the opportunity to imply that you're no better a parent than he is. In comparison to your ex-husband, at least he's still there.
Men at his age are old-school, and there isn't much you can say that will change his ways. Especially, if you have a mild, passive, or timid personality. You have every right and plenty of opportunity to put that hypocrite in his place, when he goes off at you.
Just like you put it in words in your post, you present your same argument to your husband. You are sick and tired of his double-standard, and you will tolerate it no longer.
If he wants to know what you're going to do about it, you'll insist on marriage-counseling; or walk away with half of what he owns.
From now on, as long as you can't give your opinion about his children; you don't want to hear his opinions about yours. If he ever says anything to offend you regarding your children; tell him you are proud of the job you have done as a mother. At least your children show you all the love and respect that you deserve. That is more than you can say for him as your husband.
Notice I didn't suggest you criticize his kids for not showing him respect. That would be the defensive-response he would have expected. Hitting him there would have been too unkind. The issue is about how HE treats YOU; and the double-standard. Keep it there. If he hits below the belt; it's time to call a lawyer, and send him packing.
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