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female
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anonymous
writes: help! I am miserable.About three months ago I split with my boyfriend because we were both a bit overwhelmed with our situation of living together straight away because of unavoidable practical reasons. He broke it offf though saying we wwould 'see what happens next but i can't make any promises'.I didn't initiate any contact with him and got on with my life and he never stopped calling to chat or staying in contact with me.Recently he has been finding ways to see me too, asking for me help with projects he's working on/ taking me to lunch/ asking to use my washing machine etc.when he comes around, he finds excuses to brush past me/ touch me/ flirt with me. All of this time i have loved him and wanted only to have him back.BUT I know I have to let him say this to me - my friends say he must chase me and I must play hard to get.A couple of days ago, he came to a party I was having (my friend invited him). Another guy was saying he liked me and my ex showed how jealous he was, asking me questions about it and so on. Being like that is unusual for him.Then after a few drinks but not that many my ex started trying to arrrange to stay over with me somehow. I wanted him to speak to me, to say something about how he feels/ maybe that he misses me, but he is the sort that doesn't reveal much.I need to push him into syaing and feeling those things without obviously pushing if you get what i mean.Anyway, he ended up sleeping in my bed but I told him, 'no friends with benefits''.he said fine, but then was all over me of course, persistantly trying to persuade me for nearly three hours. I finally gave in because sex between us is always fantastic.he did say he missed me but it doesn't count when he's just trying to have sex with you does it?I didn;t say I missed him, I told him I was sorry we didn't get to have fun and laugh together and do what we used to before things got tough.Next day he went to work early, leaving his dog with me.A few hours later he came back with cookies and chips and hung out for two hours or so before taking his dog home and to have a nap. He said he would try and get me a pairof jeans I wanted.I last-minute invited him to a wedding reception I was having but was otherwise completely laid back and cool.well he didn't wake up and then just sent me a text message after I called. I called him and he said he wasn't feeling up to a party and was going to stay home.now it is the next morning and I feel so low and sad, like I'll never get him back properly, that he'll never say what i want to hear or never want to really date me.I know I have to not call him and just leave him alone.My friend is into 'the rules' book and says i have to start from scratch now that I slept with him.I've tried looking at other men but I just can't feel excited about anyone else so far. Please help - i am really feeling bad. Thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2005): What you have got there is a bloke that cant and dont want to let you go completely..but dont want the committment of being in a relationship with you..what you have to do is decide whether you want that kinda situation with him or nothing at all..remember your pride in your decision.
A
female
reader, not again +, writes (17 October 2005):
Wow, reading that was like reading something I could've written, and I'm sure a lot of other chicks out there identify with what you're going through. Sadly, there is nothing you can do and realisticly it is not gonna work out. Ex's are ex's for a reason.
I too recently got back with my ex- just for abit- and next thing I know he's back to being uncommunicative and unfriendly after a couple of weeks.
For your own sake- listen to your friends about the rules but not about square one. well you are at square one- but this gives you two options. you could try and get him back and make him say what you want to say (not gonna happen) or you could use this as a start of something new. I KNOW IT IS HARD!! My god, the ONLY person I feel that can make me happy is him, and really, he is the only person who makes me unhappy! Looking at it like that makes me feel kinda pathetic. Time will heal, and yes you have gone back a few paces but you will quickly catch up. For me, i am even thinking of going to a councellor to talk about it cos I don't understand how my feelings are so strong and i am worried that I will never feel love like that again. But at the end of the day you need to do what's right for YOU- don't rely on him to make you happy cos it wont happen.
Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2005): I was in a very similar situation to you. my ex broke it off with me but with the similiar words of "we'll see what happens etc." We stayed in contact for a long time we even got back 2gether 4 a month again. But after a long time(nearly a year) of him ringing me and flifting with me, him gettin jealous over other guys, trying it on, telling me he loved me, didnt care for any other girl more than me and all the rest of the bull, he never once made a move 2get back 2gether.
It took me a long time to realise he was keeping me on the back burner and from time to time tryin his hardest to get me to sleep with him (alot of the time though he got guilty and i know he would not follow through). He was the same nice bloke to me and really good friends and even after all this i can still say he is a nice bloke but as with all blokes he could not see the harm in what he was doing. My heart broke every time he let me down like your guying not goin 2 the weddin. He used every excuse in the book sometimes 2 avoid meetin up even though sometimes he was the one 2 invite me somewhere but if we meet up by chance he was all about me. the 1 thing i have 2 say is i never slept with him outside of when we actually went out first.
But one nite I had a big chat with him over the phone and told him straight out there was no way we were goin havin a one nite stand ever and the only way 2 get me is by goin out with me. He tryed everything to get around me, like its not a one nite stand cause we already went out and we care so much 4 each other. I stood my ground and told him 2 me it was and i wont put myself through that. He only stayed in contact with me 4 a few weeks after that.
My point is guys wil lead u on to get what they want and are often afraid to fully let go. I learned a few things from my mistakes, 1) A guy that really respects u will not lead u on.
2) He will not sleep with u when your broken up cause he'll care too much to hurt you.
3) Sometimes they really dont know what they want either but they shouldnt try anything on till they know 4 sure.
4) you have to make mistakes to learn.
5) if you do the wrong thing dont beat yourself up over it. u have 2 do what feels rite, even if its wrong.
6) listen 2 what your friends and family say they are nearly always rite.
7) cry if u have to
8) at least try to move on
9) never ring them if they are not ringin u
10) But most importantly remember it always gets better.
I'd leave your ex alone for a while avoid his calls etc. 4 a while and start seeing whats really goin on in your heart and his. You'd b surprised how quick you'll start to see what you need and it might not b him.
Best of luck and stay strong.
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