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anonymous
writes: I think my step-daughters hate me. I feel like they conspire to get me and my husband into fights.They are continuously causing their own mother and her boyfriend relationship problems. They have no respect for other people's property. I personally have no biological children of my own. I'm 35; I don't believe I will.They have stolen money, vehicles, cigarettes. I have tried to help them out, but all I get is kicked in the old you-know-what.Now they have been calling my husband and telling him I dont love them. I do love them very much, but they really stress me out, also. Their ages are 17 and 14.I believe deep in my heart they hate me and it really hurts. My husband doesn't seem to care at all. He talks to me mean and talks them like it never happened. I told my husband I don't want to see either of them until they say they're sorry. That means in my home. They are brats; what should I do? Please help. There is so much more to this story but I would have to write a book. Thank you.
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reader, firefly +, writes (25 March 2005):
A lot of children especially at the ages of 14-17 can become independent towards their parents. They do this by pushing away and acting like no one really matters to them. But they really do matter to them, so don't take it offensively. A lot of teenagers smoke cigarettes, and I really don't have a problem with it. As long as they are not doing drugs like marijauna and cocaine, etc. You really shouldn't have a problem with them smoking. But in other words, depending on how much of a Christian or a follower in God, you may not even think that this is the right thing to do. You should talk to your husband about family therapy. I did and it really helped my family. Everything gets better in time. You should tell them that you love them and that you'll always be there for them. But put down rules and guidelines so that they have a firm grip on what to do and what not to do. If you know what I mean. God bless you, and good luck!!
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (24 March 2005):
 I think firstly you need to speak to your husband in depth about all this. You say he doesn't seem to care at all. You need to know for certain that this is the case otherwise you could be fighting a loosing battle anyway. I'm not saying that he should side with you against the children but you do need more support than what you are receiving. He needs to at least understand how you feel. Perhaps he could try talking to them. It seems they are very rebellious but they could be just trying to get some attention; perhaps from him. They may feel jealous of you being with their Dad. It is a very difficult situation but their father needs to play a clear role here in understanding their needs as well as yours.I don't think they hate you, it is more the case that they are trying your patience deliberately and want someone to notice them. You say they cause trouble for their mother also which seems to confirm this. What does she do about it? It seems as if they are allowed to run quite wild.I think you need to express to your husband how you feel and that you would like everyone to get on. You do need to stand your ground with them but not to the extent where you appear like the wicked step-mother!Good luck with talking to him. I hope it all works out for you.
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A reader, Mike, writes (24 March 2005): Hello,and I am sorry to hear about the situation you are in. And you are right, the kids need some direction.First of all, sit down again with your husband and talk to him again. He is probably worried about losing his children (or having them not love him). But by being their friend he is only going to hurt them more. Tell him that he needs to be a father and step in.Secondly, be a parent. I know this is going to be hard, and the kids are pretty confused (I am guessing you are competing [in their minds] with their nature mother... and they are scared to love you and her both). The kids are 17 and 14, just like the anti-drugs commercial find out who, what, where, when, and how. Know what they are doing... and if your not sure, don't let them. Now, your husband will probably start off having a problem with this, becuase he too is confused... but the job of being a parent is to BE A PARENT, and not a friend (that comes in second after their safety and wellbeing).Thirdly, get some counseling for everyone. I think it would be a good idea for everyone to meet with a median (or middle man) and talk about this. Let the kids tell you how they feel, and respect that. Tell them that you think they hate you (they may not realize how much you are being pushed away), and that you are worried about them because you love them (they may not even realize this). They should also know your not there to replace their "real" mom.With that good luck, and may God Bless,Mike
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