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female
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*n turmoil
writes: Just a week ago my husband and I were looking forward to our wedding anniversary, we had gone out to the town for a few drinks although he consumed copious amounts of the stuff. We were still in a good frame of mind when we returned home, my daughter had returned from a party herself and was still hanging around outside with the group of friends which had walked her home. My husband went form being soppy to a giggling school boy, which embarressed my daughter, she wouldn't go to bed until her dad had gone as he was embarassing her in front of her friends. Basically they had an argument she swore at him for the first time ever and the man i loved turned into a monster and tried to attack my daughter. I called the police he was arrested, he is now out on bail with conditions that stops him contacting us, I feel like I am in limbo with no answers for the attack. This was not my husband, this was a raging monster, where do I go from here, I hate him but I also Love him.
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female
reader, in turmoil +, writes (17 August 2006):
in turmoil is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello thanks again for your thoughts and advice on this matter, however, I believe you mis-interpretid my last update. He did indeed burst into their room, just seconds after she had gone up the stairs, and no he has never behaved in any other way than that of a father for the past 8 1/2 years, so please do not write on this subject as it is far removed from the problem I need advice on.
Again I explain, up until 2 weeks ago apart from 2 smaller outbursts in our life we have never experienced anything like this before EVER and that is why it is so hard to comprehend.
In answer to your querie, yes we have had lots of help from victim support and the police in this matter. He has stopped drinking altogether and is seeing a therapist to understand how his temper escalated to such extremes this is not police influenced as his court case is not until next month.
He still is living around mutual friends, we have not spoken to him and won't until we are in a better frame of mind and are ready.
Thank you for taking the time to help me though , much appreciated.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): That was SELF RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION and she was right to feel embarasssed and shamed that a man she does not love or trust the way a child needs from a father figure barged in on them when they were in the state of undress.
That makes me super leary of his intentions with them; I hope he has no past history of any sexual charges.
Another thing, I would like to suggest that the girls have a lock on their door and promise to use it when he is drinking only or when they think he is going to become abusive.
Do you have relatives at hand and trusted friends?
Make it a point to NEVER argue or fight in front of children; they don't need this as it is very damaging to them and they want the adults/ parents to be responsible and caring.
If he starts to rant; tell him you are going to drop off the girls at some relatives and give him time to cool off and you will be going to a movie or visiting with family.
I say a counselor should establish "Things TO Do" when he is about to be abusive and choose to fly off the handle so he also is aware of the consequences should he let his anger rule him.
*hugs*
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): My hopes are with you.
It is very unfortunate that he takes his anger out on your children; this isn't healthy or right. He has resentment towards them and uses their not listening as an excuse to abuse; he chooses to let his temper get the better of him.
I hope he gets some individual therapy.
I would like to hear that you have got some family counseling for you and your two girls as well.
I am glad he has anger management in place and I suspect this is police influenced.
He needs his alcohol consumption addressed and I suggest some AA is in order.
I would stipulate that he be attending all three on a regular basis BEFORE you welcome him back. Give him oppurtunity to show he is willing to change....say three to four months. I say this as most emotionally/physically abusive men let things build up from a week to a few months before they explode.
May I suggest two books for you?
One) "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families" by Stephen R. Covey
Two) "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship~ How to stop being abused and how to stop abusing" by Beverly Engel
Please keep us updated and you have my well wishes.
*hugs*
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A
female
reader, in turmoil +, writes (14 August 2006):
in turmoil is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for taking the time to add your thoughts on my problem, indeed I have omitted lots of things out of my initial problem, due to embaressment that my husband could treat us this way. The swearing incident happened in my daughters bedroom she is 16, and the softest kindest natured girl anyone could wish for, not at all a rogue. She was embarresed as he had burst into the bedroom while they were just about to get undressed. He has always found it a problem to control his temper, we can normally nip it in the bud immediately, I have since found out that he feels I undermine him when he is telling the girls off, the two eldest are from my first marriage, the youngest is ours. But like I have told him, you do not require to threaten them and call them stupid to make them do what has been asked of them, if he was to tell them to do something in a calm and unthreatening manner then I would not step in.He has been drinking more heavily lately and has admitted to friends it is too much and also has agreed that he needs to get some anger management in place. I'm not sure what the future holds for us but I am hoping if he can sort these things out while he is away from us that there is hope of some form of reconciliation, I must strongly say that i do not condon his actions irrelevent of the provokation.Also I have taken on board his frustration with the children not doing as they are told by either parent and have put in place a reward system for good behavior and chores done, it seems to be having an instant effect, it's wonderful. I hope that by addressing all these problems the home will become more harmonious and anger will be a thing of the past. FINGERS CROSSED
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2006): How old is said daughter? Were you the sober driver that night? Was said daughter drinking at the party? Is Husband a drinker? Has Husband struggled with drinking while being married?
Most things in life should be done in moderation; there is wisdom in this statement as if Husband has lived to this advice, he would not have put himself in a situation where his judgement was impared.
I do say that it is wrong for a child to be verbally abusive to their parents regardless if they feel they are being humliated. Again, self control and self restraint must be imparitive when we are upset, hurt, or angry.
I agree with Dr. Psych in saying that family counselling is in order.
Something just doesn't sit right with me on this statement as I believe that there are alot of things that are being omitted.
Why would daughter so quickly have reached her breaking point on that night if things were "picture perfect" in the marriage and home??
I agree that if he can not control his drinking that he should address this matter ASAP.
There is little point of welcoming him back home if there is another chance of this happening.
There is a saying my Mother used to tell me; Kindness begets kindness.
In this case; humilation begets humiliation.
Please get some counseling.
Best of wishes.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (12 August 2006):
 He had too much to drink and over-reacted to his daughter as he was emotionally hurt by her swearing at him. I am not saying that is an excuse for violence but it doesn't sound like he has been abusive to either of you in the past. Your daughter shouldn't have sworn at him and should have handled the situation a bit more tactfully. Your husband shouldn't have drunk so much, but children should see parents embarrassing them as a 'rite of passage' to some extent. I suggest you all get some family counselling - it is clearly unacceptable that he acted that way, it is not acceptable that your daughter swears at him and you are stuck in the middle. Only counselling will give you the answers you need and maybe he just needs to sign an agreement not to drink alcohol at all.
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