A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Modnote: DearCupid does not condone the use of illicit drugs. But you clearly feel bad about using illicit drugs and have promised to stop. Seems that you really do need some advice, despite your past use of illicit substances, when feeling under pressure. Your Boyfriend has been prosecuted for Domestic Violence so you have suffered.Is Domestic Violence being controlled now? What support can you access?================================================I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years and I guess it's been a bit of a roller coaster. I've had a lot of horrible things happen to me in the past few years. I don't really want to go into all that but it's not been very nice.As a result of that we drink quite a lot and take recreational drugs which I feel really bad about. Only my closest friend knows that I take drugs, I guess I'm quite good at hiding it. My family don't know.Because we take things we shouldn't we've had some awful arguments, he's even been in jail for assaulting me. I only had a bruise on my arm, it wasn't that bad what happened but because people saw it the police were phoned. When he was on bail he did other things so he was put in jail for a while. I'm not saying that it was my fault he assaulted me and it upsets me thinking about it. But in the past I've hit him and I've broken his things and acted horribly toward him.I've told my friends and family that I've been just as bad as him in the past. But nobody is listening to me. I feel like I have to hide my relationship from everybody now, he has to sneak in to my house and it's making me miserable that I can't just be open about it.We've both promised to stop taking things and to stop drinking and when we go through periods of staying sober we really get on and I think if we could help each other through this we would be fine. I know I have problems with things but all we can do is try to change.Do people eventually forget about things like this, do you think I should stand by this relationship or just let it go because it's too much hard work to fix it? I find it really unfair that men get demonised for hitting women and it's like everybody just brushes it under the carpet when I've done it myself.I tell people I've been a nightmare in the past but people always just see me as some sweet and innocent girl, like it couldn't possibly be my fault as I was quite well behaved when I was younger.I don't know what to say to people to accept things or listen to me. Should I just give up because it's making me miserable having a secret relationship.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (20 April 2015):
 I think you need either Alcoholics Antonymous or NA if your drug use is an issue.
My husband is an alcoholic. He is sober since January 5th of this year. I go to Al-anon meetings which are for me and help me. Most folks who need AA also need Al-anon as the behaviors that are at issue have to be addressed.
I urge you to go to both AA and Al-anon meetings regularly.
I think a lot of it is how you handle it.
My husband was arrested on January 5th. For trying to kill me. In our home. While in an alcoholic blackout. I do not hide it from anyone. I do not lie for him.
I have to tell you that while I am NO PRIZE, NO ONE EVER deserves to be abused. "it's just a bruise" and "i've been a nightmare in the past" are excuses you make to try to get folks to "forgive him" when the only person that matters is YOU.
IF you forgive him (and he's made the necessary changes) then that's all that matters. What OTHERS outside of your relationship think does not matter at all. And if it does matter to you what OTHERS think , you really do need to get yourself to an Al-anon meeting. Learning that what others think say or do does not matter will bring you peace.
NO matter what you said or did IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT if he abuses you, either mentally, emotionally, sexually or physically.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 April 2015):
 it is not going to be easy.
Immerse yourself in www.talktofrank.com/
and do not come up with excuses about how you do not want to / do not like the counsellor or whatever excuse you want to try.
Consider going along to Alcoholics anonymous. If you do not have a problem then they will soon tell you. But do not come up with excuses why you do not need them.
If your partner refuses to come along too then lay it out firmly that he can support you or not support you. But if he does not want to support you staying completely in charge of yourself - even on the days when you are under a lot of pressure -then he is part of the problem.
Find out how long it will take to get a counsellor from the NHS.
If too long then lean on Samaritans.org any time you need specialised counselling.
You and your partner would benefit going through a drug program. Talk to your doctor to see if they can find a place for you. I realize it is confronting and distressing but it will help put things in perspective.
Keep your home nice and spotless and your own personal presentation.
Unfortunately the trust has been broken so your credibility has taken a battering. So you do need to rebuild that trust by being squeaky clear and clean
That means distancing yourself who still do take drugs and drink more than water.
Has your guy undertaken Anger Management couses? He must surely realise that domestic violence is prevalent but is not tolerated in a civilized community.
Try to not be too impatient with slow reactions.
Patience can or maybe the only way to react to regain your credibility
Forget about saying things to other people
Instead DEMONSTRATE by your own ACTIONS that you want to succeed at making your life a positive step in the direction of
NO tolerance of illicit drugs.
And NO tolerance of all the other things that have been impacting you.
...............................
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