A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I've been attracted to this woman at work for the better part of four years. She is polite, dignified, interesting, sexy, very feminine (which acts as a counterbalance to all those power-dressing Germaine Greer types!) and is a genuinely nice and authentic person. We've always been friendly towards each other without being friends as such. She is married while I am not, although I do have two children (who live with their mum not too far away, and as such I see them (the children) as often as I can). Earlier this year I decided to test the waters by dropping hints in some office correspondence that I might fancy her. This lead to many months of exchanging lingering eye contact and knowing smiles, plus a few nervous conversations. I then cooled off a little (Euro 2008 football encroached!). Next thing you know she came on to me! So I asked her out via e-mail (indicating that I had had a thing for her for a considerable period of time) and was rejected. She is now doing her best to blank me when we pass in the corridor. Does she need time to re-consider my offer or have I offended her? Perhaps the reality of the situation has sunk in. Do I owe her an apology? Is there even a chance that during the 4 year period she has started developing feelings towards me and is resenting me for putting her in a marital dilemma? Am I demonstrating strength by distancing myself from her (i.e. I do not go to her coffee area any more) or in attempting to give her some space am I actually showing weakness i.e. perhaps I should be carrying on as per normal and risking more ‘corridor liaisons’? She is nearly 31 and I am 36. I'm a manager and she is a secretary - but we don't work together. Do you think she might be intimated by me? I find her quite intimidating of course i.e. the object of affection usually is! Ultimately I guess I am giving her space since I do not want to be accused of sexual harassment, although I think I can safely say that we genuinely like each other (or rather – I certainly like her!) and therefore I'd be surprised if she suddenly started pursuing a case against me, especially when I only asked her out after she blatantly came on to me. Anyway – I’d welcome your views on this. Enjoy the Opening Ceremony - should be a cracker (a Chinese cracker!). Those fireworks are surely going to be the best ever! I'm also hoping that this woman will have a change of heart so that we can have fireworks of our own...she’s lovely and very attractive...but then I’ve also got a cute set of buns - minus the icing sugar!!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): ...but to be honest although I made the initial approach in February (i.e. Valentine's Day) she was the one who actually started the flirtation - two months later. It was only when I started cooling off a bit that she blatantly came on to me. I thought this was a test of my masculinity so naturally I asked her out. Does she really want an apology from me or will this be seen as weakness? Ultimately a man's ego is boosted by being with a woman he genuinely cares about in a sexual relationship. No wonder I made a move. Her ego may well have been boosted by the attention I bestowed upon her. She may miss this attention later this year as the nights draw in, the commute becomes lousy and her freshness (induced by her two week holiday) starts to subside. Does anyone else have an opinion on this, please? Is an affair still out of the question? I don't want to hurt her of course and I do have feelings towards her. Anyway, I don't look my best at the moment since I have big bags under my eyes - struggling to sleep at night - and you know why that is. I'm not a player as you've probably worked out by now!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2008): Thanks, Nicole. She rejected my advances on 25th June. Two weeks later she went on a two week holiday. We're two weeks further on from that. Her birthday is about 2 to 3 weeks away now (i.e. end August) so I think I will make my apologies to her by then, unless in the meantime she approaches me with an indicator of real interest! If I can't handle the rejection then I'll leave the company (shame though 'cos I'm coming up for my 10 year anniversary next year!).
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A
female
reader, nicole5178  +, writes (7 August 2008):
 It sounds like since she's married, flirting was fine with her, but after you made an actual attempt to date her, you kind of ruined your chances. If she left her husband, you'd probably have a strong shot, but she hasn't, so I think you probably crossed the line of casual flirtations and serious affection. She's just not comfortable with being seriously involved with more than one person.
I'd say your chances at salvaging a friendship haven't passed, though. Wait until it's been at least 2 or, even better, 3 weeks since she rejected your advances and APOLOGIZE. Tell her that you think she's a spectacular woman, but you let your heart get the best of you, and you're sorry you acted in that way because you understand that she's married and could never reciprocate the feeling. Also mention that you'd like to be friends if at all possible, and that you value her friendship more than you realized, and that you made a stupid, stupid mistake in ever risking that.
That is what she wants to hear, believe me. Hope things go well for you. Let me know how it works out...
x Nicole.
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