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female
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anonymous
writes: I was at a party on Friday night with my boyfriend when one of his friends said he reckoned I was going to be his future wife. His other friend agreed and said he could see us either being married within 2 years or at least engaged by then. My boyfriend turned round and said "no, leave it, its not gonna happen" when they both mentioned this. We have been together 14 months though he isnt actually divorced yet (he has just started proceedings). Do you think this is a sign that he never will get married again or do you think he just said it as he felt put on the spot in front of me? When I first met him he said he would get married again, even discussed how he would do it and how happy he was he got separated at a young age where he could start all over again. But now, he never says it anymore and after this comment, im not so sure.
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female
reader, Serene Katy +, writes (1 August 2006):
 Well things don't seem so bad then according to your second post. Naturally I have a piece of advice :) If your partner does or says something that hurts you, make sure they know it. Nip that jokey marriage talk in the bud (privately, of course) You must show your displeasure/hurt/confusion so you are not giving them permission to continue hurting/confusing you. Or worse escalate the behaviour. If he does something to offend/upset you and you laugh along merrily, how will he know you really long for commitment? He could even think that you don't find marriage important. You must be clear. Why on earth would you laugh when this mattered to you? This goes across the board, not only with jokes about marriage.Just a thought.K
A
female
reader, Thachorie +, writes (31 July 2006):
 Of course if he has said to you he wants to get married again he will but after one failed marrige give him a minute, he will still have doubts about marriage just let him take his time and before you know it wedding bells will chime, everyoines different in front of their friends, Honest!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2006): Im the original poster. When we first got together, it was a very casual arrangement. We had the marriage chat, not about getting married to each other, just what our views were on the subject (we used to chat about our views on every subject under the sun so wasnt worried about this at all). I said I wasn't bothered about getting married as obviously at that point, I wasn't. He then said about how he would like to do so again (though not with me exactly, just a general conversation).His first marriage broke up due to his wife cheating on him. He initially moved out, they got back together and tried to work things and he then left for good 18 months ago. He probably goes out with his mates about once a month (he has a child which he has every Tuesday and every other weekend) so I know that isnt a problem. I see him about 5-6 nights in a week and he even gives up some events with his mates so he can be with me.I guess its just hearing him say it out right that has me concerned. I would like to think we have a future and that marriage is on the cards one day. I felt rejected hearing him say no, I was pretty hurt though I never said anything to him, just laughed about it.
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A
female
reader, Serene Katy +, writes (31 July 2006):
Why not discuss it? If he were able to tell you all those things at the beginning of the relationship, communication should be better now. Was he just telling you what you wanted to hear just to bring you along? I hate to say it, hope I don't hurt your feelings, but men can promise you everything to get you, yet when the time comes that they CAN marry you or live up to their promises, they won't mention it again. They think you're hooked by then and will stay for the prize. And the goal posts will keep moving. Don't be disillusioned, find out where he really is at. If you are feeling that's how you would like things to progress, please be sure he is sincere. What he says or doesn't say in front of an audience doesn't really matter, yes, he was on the spot. His friends could have been trying to see would he remarry soon, or whatever, not their business. But you must know you arnd this man are both on the same page, as it were, before you go any further into the relationship. Your time is precious too, your needs matter too, it is allowed that you check he has the same expectations as you. Anyway communication should be excellent between two people if marriage is to be on the cards.A girlfriend of mine went through the very same thing, she waited 8 years for all the promises she was given in the first few months from her boyfriend who had just started proceedings. (It was 6 years before he divorced his wife) He squirmed and turned and did everything except what he promised, he even denied saying he would marry her at all, all the while trying to keep seeing her. Now she is 45 and has dumped him. Beware of a man who talks of marriage too early in a relationship, especially when he legally cannot marry you. Also make discreet inquiries as to why his first marriage broke up, was he reliable? was he out with the lads? a gambler? or were they just incompatable? Get the track record before you put such a precious asset as your life on this runner.
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