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male
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anonymous
writes: I've lived with the same woman (my first) faithfully for the last 10 years. since i was 17. i met someone else while i was out of town and attempted to cheat on her. the new girl teased to death but had a conscience blast at the last second and opted out. i left and went back home. i couldn't look at my ex the same anymore and ended up waking up one morning and saying i had to go and never came back.I went back to the new town and hooked up with the new girl. i lived with her for around 2 1/2 months and then got my own place. she moved in with me near imedietly. the first few months were blissful but the arguments began and i started to notice that some of her "guy friends" were actually ex's. and that she was dumped by a guy she was with for near three years about a year and a half before i came around. when they broke up she went back by him for a sex a few times and went off the rail with using men for sex and one night stands. it seems she was looking for fulfillment in the wrong places. this gave her some confidence though and tought her that her value to men is sex. the issue i'm having is this. we had a big argument about a month and a half ago due to me looking through her phone and email and finding some stuff i did not like and cought a few stressed out repeated lies from her. I made my mind up to leave and lost alot of feeling for her, but not all. i told her at some point int he argument that if she comes clean on everything about her past, i'll stay and won't hold it againts her. HA! I'm keeping half my promise, i'm sticking it out so far but i'm going crazy over here, having to coach myself into calm every 10-20 minutes when these images and thoughts of the things she's told me pop in my mind. she's only had 12 partners by 26 according to her and she told me things that i couldn't imagine she was holding anything alse back but it's eating me up and driving me out of my mind. i'm thinking about leaving to help ease this suffering but i've made promises to her and she's passed up a very good job oppertunity recently to keep us togather.i could be a jerk and just split regardless but i don't want to be that way in my life.So i ask you, do any of you with an experiance like this have any wisdom to share? does this go away? is there anyhtingt besides the usual get over it or get out you can offer to help me? i'm new to this and right now am going in and out of loving and hating her for the undecentcy of her past to the extremes constantly.
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broke up, confidence, her past, jealous, moved in, my ex, one night stand Reply to this Question
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reader, jerone +, writes (19 December 2006):
I'm just begining to get over this very thing as we speak. The last post offered excellent advice. But, I would add in to serioulsy think about a couple things. For one, does her past make her less of a person or a bad person? Does it make her less yours? (In a non-possesive way). Why do you feel the need to have a "pure" woman?
What I came to learn is basically that it doesn't make her anything more than a normal human being. And my problems with it were just stupid primitive man thoughts that we're programmed with. You just have to re-programme yourself, cause it ain't worth living a life where such things are an issue.
Good luck.
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male
reader, eddie  +, writes (5 December 2006):
 I totally agree with Yos and his reply. You don't really have the right to know all about her past. I imagine she's sugar coated a few details to stop you from getting angry. In her mind, she shouldn't have to devulge information that plays no part of her prestent life. She's in a no win situation. If she tells you, you get angry. If she doesn't tell you, you snoop and still get angry.
What is it you'd like from her? Perhaps an apology that she wasn't thinking about you at a time in her life when she didn't even know you. Are you going to question her on decisions she made about sexual partners and the merits of those choices. It's not your place.
By your own admission, you cheated on your partner. Do you owe an apology to someone you'll meet in 10 years for that choice ?
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (5 December 2006):
 Yes most people will tell you to 'get over it', or that 'the past is the past' or similar. Whilst they have good intentions, this advice is about as effective as firing a bb-gun at a tank.
I have been in your position, and to a lesser degree I still am, although things are much better than they were. If you search through my post history (click on my name) you'll find plenty of comments on this subject. I have outlined the steps you can take elsewhere in more detail, but here is a summary:
1. Recognize that the problem is 100% yours, and that no blame can go to her. This is essential.
2. Find out why this hurts you so much. You will have sexual insecurities somewhere underneath this that are amplifying your feelings. Based on your story my guess is that it is partly that you have had comparatively few sexual partners (because you have been in a long relationship since age 17) and that you are conflicted about this. On the one hand you 'did the right and honourable thing' in your long relationship, but on the other hand you are somehow now 'less of a man' for no being sexually successful by the broken cultural measure of bedpost-notches. Why does the nice guy who did the right thing end up feeling like a failure? But there is probably more behind it.
3. Learn to accept and allow the images and feelings. The more you fight them the more strength you give them. Instead you need to find a way to allow them in whilst not falling into the trap of analysing or thinking about them. Thinking about them only makes them stronger. It is possible to feel without judging or analysing, this is what you need to practice with these feelings. A therapist or councillor would likely prove to be a great help here, it's very hard to beat obsessive behaviour by yourself.
4. Over time as you realize you are not being forced to spend hours every day thinking about this unless you choose to, you will be able to let go of the connection between the thoughts and images and your subsequent obsessive thoughts and jealous reaction. To change your behaviour you need to deliberately practice your new desired behaviour, which then over time becomes your habitual behaviour. It's a gradual change, with setbacks along the way.
Each of these steps is individually very difficult. Collectively they are a huge challenge, but worthwhile.
Leaving her won't help you get rid of this. You may be able to go through the rest of your life only dating 'chaste' girls (however you personally define that). But you will have the nagging doubt in your head with each of them that they have lied to you. Perhaps they've had more sexual partners than they admit to (most women lie about this, for obvious reasons, and who can blame them)? You'll be reading their emails and text messages, and quizzing them when their guard is down. You'll be undermining them, and your relationship. You'll grow into a jealous possessive man.
That is no way to live a life. What this has done is identified a problem in yourself, namely your negative judgement of girls who have had sex with other men. 12 partners is average, do you want to live the rest of your life with the belief that the majority of the women on this planet are sluts? It will torment you, and make the rest of your life much less than it could be. Not to mention, quite easily lock you out of loving relationships.
You have made a positive step by coming here. It shows that you do see the situation as a problem that you have a hand in. Good luck with the next step.
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