A
female
age
41-50,
*otsurehwatisoging
writes:Hello,Does the NO CONTACT rule really work if you want somebody to miss you and want to be with you?My boyfriend is afraid of commitment. We have been seeing each other for almost a year but he refuses to have the exclusive talk with me. I would like to be exclusive as my feelings are already invested in him. I love him and I don't think I should be staying with him and hurting myself even more in the long run if he is not willing to make a decision.Does walking away force somebody to make a decision? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012): OP what you're asking about is trying to manipulate another person's emotions to be what you want. this is neither healthy nor long-term effective. If you're a highly skilled manipulator it could actually work in the short term. but you'd just be setting yourself up for a longer term disappointment and by then you would have invested even more of yourself.it could be that this is just not the right time to be with this guy. Maybe if the time and circumstances were different he would want or be able to commit to you. but for whatever reason, right now he can't or won't and you can't really change that. unless you want to put your life on hold indefinitely, you should take today at face value and make a decision and start over. Move forward without looking backward over your shoulder.
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (23 November 2012):
 Me again,
I agree with Cerberus. The adult thing to do would be to sit him down and see where he's at with the relationship. Ask him if he sees you as the one, can he be exclusive and can the relationship move forward now.
If you sense hesitation or he says he's not ready, then invoke the "no-contact rule" and put your heart on the mend. Don't tell him that it is an ultimatum, just ask where the relationship stands, get your answer and that will tell you what you need to do.
If he THEN starts to come around, I really think it is too late. I honestly think this relationship is on the verge of being over-for you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012): Cerberus, you are thinking the right way. I am doing the same thing. I told him I was leaving before and I came right back because he started to act like he loved me and wanted to be with me. He said all the right things, did all the right things. It took a lot for me to leave but then he would contact me and tell me he missed me. And I like a fool went back and eventually the same treatment began.
The HOPE part of it all is what makes it very tough to let go. Because there is always hope no matter what. That is how I see it. Hope in the way he looks at me, the way he says my name, the way he touches me, the way he and I always laugh together...When you see this, you cannot move on. Because your heart is saying this is the man I love and he loves me too. So, what the heck am I doing? You tell yourself if you stay a little longer, he might change. Maybe today is the day and today goes by and it is the same old thing. My heart breaks each time I see him and each time I see him I end up leaving him feeling so terrible. Terrible and heartbroken because deep down I know in my heart of hearts that he will never committ to me.
I know the answer but it is so hard to follow through. I am prepared this time because I think the pain is too great. You reach that point where it just hurts too much. And you just can't go on crying and feeling like you are depressed and alone and beyond repair because somebody is not giving you what you want or deserve. It has taken a huge shot at my self esteem. I am pretty woman and I have a lot to offer. Many men want to be with me. But my heart has been stuck holding onto the wrong one, the one that is not meant to be, no matter what I tell myself. I thought he was the one.
Do I want to waste the time I have left with somebody who does not love me the way I love him? Because I know I should be moving on. But I cannot open my heart to another man, possibly the right one for me, if I am still seeing my boyfriend and have contact with him everyday. I will never let anyone in.
I know it can have a positive effect if he really did love me and needed a push. Some men need that depending on the type of person he is and what he has gone through. But for him to act and make a decision he would have to miss me and truly love me. Sometimes you don't know what you have til it's gone. This way I will know with certainty where I stand with him. If never does not pursue me, it will tell me that all along I was never important enough. I agree with another poster. It may not the answer I want but it is the answer I need.
I just wish somebody could take this broken heart away from me right now. It is so painful and unbearable. Most days I cannot even get out of bed. :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012): I wish you the best OP, that tiniest hope can be the biggest pain.
No contact works very well for getting over someone. I personally prefer to completely burn the bridge and remove all hope myself. I've struggled too much with it in the past, I found it too hard to let go if there was even the tiniest 'what if'. There came a point for me that I decided a break up, the first and only break up was going to be the last. I consider any other type of break up to be game playing. It's a protective mechanism for me and it works, and how can it fail for me when I never go back to see it was the wrong decision? Ignorance is bliss.
I don't want to deal with on/off, I don't want to deal with a woman who uses walking away as a tactic to win me over, I simply have a one break up rule and then that person is removed from my life completely. But then again I wouldn't string along a woman I had no intention of getting serious with for a year when she so obviously wants that, can't be in a relationship so one-sided, doesn't feel right at all.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (23 November 2012):
 What you're doing is now basically a "silent ultimatum." You're essentially saying "come after me, or it's over." I disagree it's a game.
However, I don't know any lasting relationships that started or took the next step from an ultimatum...
I think you're doing the right thing by leaving though. Maybe things will turn around, but I think whatever happens, walking away is the right thing to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012): This is the OP. I am not pretending. I am doing it. This is the real deal. And it is not to get him back. It is to spare myself from further pain because it has been an emotional hell for me and I can't take anymore. I need to heal and no contact is the ONLY WAY I can do this. So, is it a game? NO. I am doing this for me and I do know the point of no contact. I was just hoping that it might be the push he needed. Even only the tiniest hope. And if not, I am taking care of myself, which I probably should have done long ago. I have tried walking away before but could not stick to my guns. I know I can this time. It's like a drug addict or alcoholic that has hit rick bottom and is finally admitting they need help. My way of kicking the habit of this man is no contact. I am finally ready. I just wish my heart listened to my mind a long time ago. I can't believe I put myself through all of this. :(
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012): Sorry OP but you're missing the whole point of the no-contact rule.
You're talking about a game of the silent treatment and trying to make a guy miss you and commit by pretending to walk away. There's a big difference. He's still the one with all the power so it won't work, you won't hold out and after a while you'll be so desperate to hear his voice that one phone call and you'll be his booty call.
No-contact rule is a means to get over someone, you've broken up, it's final and you want to get over them, the easiest way is no contact. You're using it as a way to answer a question, that's going to be a pretty long, slow, painful wait for the answer OP. When you already have it.
1 year and no commitment is a very clear indication of where you stand, and you want to play a teenagers game of the silent treatment to force him to commit?
I personally would advise against trying to force someone into a relationship with you. Manipulating a situation so they make the commitment. That wouldn't sit right with me at all. 1 year would be long enough for me, I'd just walk with no comebacks. Frankly what you propose sounds like a desperate last ditch attempt win over a guy who's not interested in being serious with you. Maybe I'm just too prideful but I'd feel such a thing would be too much of a hit on my dignity to resort to such things. Plenty of other good men and women out there and I don't need to waste my time playing games. Life's too short OP.
I think you're leading yourself into a situation of zero closure if you do this, either leave him properly or don't. It'll be very obvious to him if this is just a game.
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female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (23 November 2012):
I agree with the others. 50/50 chance he will run. Maybe greater if he's that committment phobic. However, if I were you, I would leave with the feeling that you're moving on to find someone who is going to give you what you need. You are wasting your time with him after a year if he isn't even bothered to have the exclusive talk with you.
So, the best thing to do is to walk. If he follows, it doesn't mean he will "commit" to you either. You figure out what you want out of this relationship (or any relationship) and if he doesn't want the same things, move along.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2012): The silent treatment is quite effective, but not always in the way you want. The effect it will have depends on how bothered the subject is about you. If he's that interested (which it doesn't sound like) then yes, he will do some chasing. If he's not that bothered, obviously he's gonna take it as a god send, use the opportunity to sneak out the back door and move on with his life quietly hoping you've lost interest and will never contact him again.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (22 November 2012):
Yes, it usually does. You just have to be prepared if the decision he makes isn't what you want to hear, but you're right. It's not fair to you to be in a relationship with no goals.
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