A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Would it be wrong of me to go out with my friend's ex, even though when they went out they were 17 and my friend is now actually getting married this winter?I have known my friend for almost 5 years, and she was the first friend I made when I moved here. We are really close, and we share almost everything that goes on in our lives with each other. Even though she known our other friends longer, I'm her only bridesmaid at her wedding and I don't want to upset her, or break 'the girl code'.So, anyway. I have known this guy since I have known her. I met them both at college, and I have always liked him, but it wasn't until recently he started to show an interest in me. I have decided to do a charity run in a few months time, and he has done lots of these types of things before and offered to train with me. So every few days we met up and go for a run or something. For the past month now, he has been making little flirty comments and texting me every day. He took me out for dinner on Saturday and kissed me for the first time. I really like him, and he seems really into me too. My problem is that I don't want to lose my friendship with my friend, I know it seems silly but I have always found it hard to make true friends, and she is one of those friends. She often jokes about him being her first love, and how if her marriage doesn't work, she will 'work her magic' on him. They were together 6 or so months, and she broke up with him to get with her fiancée actually. I just worry about the girl code thing, I mean you never date a friend's ex do you? He has asked me to be his girlfriend last time with went for a run, and I laughed it off with nerves I think. Am I just being silly? Or should I really stay away?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2014): Yes this would definitely change your girl friendship. But hey, that will change anyway with her marriage. You are not doing anything wrong, if you start dating the guy be upfront and tell your friend.
Just one slightly negative issue, since you mentioned she dumped him for her fiance, be super sure his motivation is not being driven by his desire to get closer to her or to get at her by taking your friendship away.
I had a similar experience and it ended with no one being friends afterwards. Good luck.
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (8 May 2014):
 I am actually looking at this in a different way to the other Aunts - so might get burned for this!
As I see it, she is your age (22-25), getting married and only had a 6 month relationship with him at 17 years old. With the best will in the world, at 17, are they really "real" relationships or just playing at dating?
I understand you always have feelings for the first guy you have a relationship with and are intimate with, but what gives her the right to decide who he has or wants a relationship with now?
HE asked you to be his girlfriend. You did not chase him. HE must like YOU. The question is, do you like him back?
If the answer is yes, would you be prepared to tell him, "I'm sorry but "Sarah" says that she doesn't want me to date you because you have history. I would love to date you, but I don't want to ruin my friendship with "Sarah".
Who are you putting first here? You, Him or "Sarah"? Does this honestly have anything to do with her now? She is a grown up and should be able to deal with the fact he is moving on - she is getting married, she can't have all the men herself!
She will be getting married soon. She will have a husband, and life will change for her. It may also change the dynamics of your friendship as she becomes more involved in her own married life with him - babies, job, potential to move away as a family leaving your friendship behind.
At that point she won't care who you date. She will be blissfully loved up with her husband.
I guess what I am trying to say is that friendships are not always as long term and solid as we like to think. Life happens. Do you want to look back in 5 years time and wonder what would have happened if you had agreed to be this man's girlfriend?
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (8 May 2014):
 He's on the market. It was back when they were 17 and she's getting married to someone else. So she doesn't get to call dibs on this guy.
But, just to be polite and a good friend, I would bring it up and talk to her about it BEFORE it becomes official and public knowledge. She shouldn't have to hear about it from someone else. But that's as far as the girl code would stretch in this case: the right to be told first.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (8 May 2014):
 I agree with Uncle Cerberus.
And I think you are not only being a GOOD friend, you are being a GOOD person for questioning this. And I agree it's more about being a good friend then some unwritten (but useful) Girl Code.
I would have a heart to heart with her and you'd need to LISTEN AND WATCH when having this conversation, because she might TELL you it's OK, but her body language might tell you she isn't really keen on it. And I agree that give it a little time before jumping in, if she says go for it, then TELL her that you aren't going to JUMP right in, give HER a little time to process this, because losing a good friend over a guy is never a good thing.
Now, I KNOW and understand that she is engaged and can no longer "claim" this other guy as "hers"... BUT... She CAN resent you wanting to date him.
They "only" dated for 6 months so while he was her "first love" he wasn't her LOVE for that long. (if you get what I'm saying).
I would never date a friend's ex either. Just no.
However, this is YOUR life. I would also tell him that you are thinking it over and want to make sure *friend* is OK with it.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 May 2014):
 The only person who can answer the question of if she would be ok with this is your friend.
I agree you need to ask her how she feels about it.
I had a friend who dated a guy I had been with before.. it was odd and weird but in the long run it did not harm (or help) our friendship and while she was doing it we had some strained times until she told me then we were ok..
Best advice is ask how she would feel about it and then make your choice based on how important her friendship is to you and what her answer is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2014): You're not being silly. Friend's exs are a very big deal and not something to be taken lightly.
The biggest problem you have is that even if she says she's okay with it you just can never know what effect it will have on her emotionally to see you with her first love.
I think you need to have a heart to heart with her, tell her that you'd like to but there's no chance in hell you'll go anywhere near him if she even has the slightest problem with it.
Something tells me she'll be perfectly fine with it.
But give it a bit of time to settle in her mind after the conversation, before you decide to go ahead with it. She could as a friend want you to be happy and say go for it, but upon reflection may find it difficult.
So just have a heart to heart in person and see what she says.
OP it's not about girl code, it's about you protecting your friendship. If he's not going to be a threat to that then girl code doesn't apply.
Personally I never go with friend's exs, I've done it before and got burned. But I also don't ever get as close as you have to friend's exs either.
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