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female
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anonymous
writes: Does that mean anything, when your husband says, I will love you forever and am never going to leave you. Yet he doesn't have any sex drive. And generally looks very unloving. He is here, but I don't feel it. It goes like that several years ago. I don't know what to do. If I stay much longer I gonna get more and more miserable and weak. But how can I leave , when he is not a real threat ,just a potential down-fall. if it goes like that, the chances are, that he might fall in love with someone, who will wake his passion. And in that time I will be so weak and broken from all the waiting, that can't get on with my life. So the question is how long you suppose to wait for a man to come alive? And what are the risks if you don't act? I'm afraid to get hurt!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2008): Thanks again. You just make me really happy with your great understanding. ''I really do feel for you, your situation is really tough. Those mixed feelings of wanting to leave and simultaneously wanting to stay are very confusing and it is hard to see clearly in such a mess.''Yes it is, because its destroying me inside, and makes me powerless.If I would know I have to make a choice, my survival instinct would kick in, and I would do anything what I have to do for moving on. But this way, it keeps me on hold, like pause,and never lets reach any goals.And yes communication , does not make anything better, as, he hates to talk about this things. And just makes him angrier. I noticed one thing , when I want to make a big change, like I told him, lets not have an physical contact for a while., not even hugging, so I don't have to get frustrated ,when I'm waiting for him to hug me. But that makes him quite anxious ,and seemingly nerves. What is strange again. Why would he be nerves, if he does not care for hugging on his own? But I decided to follow up with this little changes. NO hate, but no affection from my side, as I can't get humiliated over a hug every day. So I will try to be more active, and less needy. If you have any more smart thoughts, I highly appreciate it. Thanks so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): Hello again!I really do feel for you, your situation is really tough. Those mixed feelings of wanting to leave and simultaneously wanting to stay are very confusing and it is hard to see clearly in such a mess. Like I stated before, make sure you recharge yourself and regain your energy by all means available, see your friends (and talk to them!), exercise, read, go to the movies, see your family, take up a new hobby, whatever you find interesting and pleasing. And what about your hubby, does he do any of these things? Does he have a life outside your home, or is he too down to go outside and do things, with or without you?So, counseling didn't help you. Did you try going separately? If couples counseling didn't do the trick, perhaps hecould (or you both could) go see a therapist on your own? Sometimes it's easier to talk about the hard stuff without your partner; it doesn't mean he would keep you in the dark about things or that he wants to hide things from you. It just might be easier for him if he cannot pinpoint what is wrong with him, and since his inner problems may have absolutely nothing to do with you but everything to do with himself.That makes me wonder what it is that happened to him a few years back, when, like you said, he went cold. It could be that he hasn't experienced anything majorly disturbing at that specific time; it may as well be something that has happened a long time ago and at the time he went cold, the trauma simply began to crawl out. Then again, if this has nothing to do with a past trauma and he cannot explain what it is that is depressing him, all the more reason for him to start the digging process. (You mentioned tests, so apparently it's not a case of a depression caused by a chemical imbalance either.)This brings me to the conclusion that I drew from your latest post; it appears that he is very reluctant to deal with his issues and it's probably because he's scared and that is, of course, understandable. But he HAS to do it, and the sooner, the better. Naturally he needs your support but you need support too - and while he might be more or less used to feeling down and has to some extent submitted to his sadness, he has to break the cycle. And no, you cannot do it on his behalf, I know. There is only so much you can do, and like you said yourself, you have to draw the line somewhere. Ultimately, how you do that is up to you and has to be your own choice. Even if your hubby declines the option of counseling, you yourself could do it anyways. Sometimes, talking to someone who has no personal input in your life or your problems is the best audience for your venting. (Exactly what also this website is for, isn't it?) Many times in this kind of a situation where one person in a relationship suffers from long-term depression without professional help or some other form of relief, and the partner is there, clueless and confused, the longer things don't change, the more the depressed person might be subconsciously thinking that nothing has to change. Many times people with long-term depression are, for obvious reasons, very anti-change. But it is not good for them and while they know it, they feel stuck, scared and quite helpless. Very similar to what you are feeling, isn't it? They say one's depression is not contagious but it surely affects those around the depressed one. Everyone needs support!Your husband's sadness has to be mended, and you have obviously tried your best to help him. It must be really frustrating for you, knowing that you cannot make it all go away by just loving him. Love may conquer all but it needs a lot of help getting there.My opinion here is that you could suggest the separate counseling to your hubby. He may be sad and hurt but so are you and you have to be honest with him. Tell him that something has to be done. I am not saying you should issue an ultimatum ("you better do this or I'm outta here"), no,simply tell him that his sadness is unhealthy and that you want to help him get better but in order for you to do that he has to help himself. That is the key, I think. It may take plenty more than just one conversation, but if you gently press the issue to him on a regular basis and choose your words wisely (you know what is the best approach, I'm sure) it may show some result. (And whilst he seems unable to give you affection right now, do try to show him that you care. He surely needs it right now, and though he may not be able to reciprocate now, in his heart he will appreciate it. Knowing that you care for him despite this situation, not just because you have to, will mean the world to him.)Are there certain things you used to do together regularly when things were better for the two of you? Could there be something you could initiate; some kind of activity you could suggest to cheer him up at least a little? It won't obliterate the depression but it might give you both a breathe of fresh air and something else to occupy your minds with. Something that will make dealing with his hurt maybe just a tiny bit easier.I hope this helps,I wish you all the best, take care! You can send me a message through this website if you want to vent more!Hang in there!Loads of hugsxxxLorelai
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): Thanks so much. You really understood the meaning of my words, and it felt so good. It's always healing , when you see someone can see what you mean. I just wanted to give some more info on this case,and I'M LOOKING FOREWORD TO SEE, what else you can observe. So it has been like this long time ago,and I'm crying almost every night, as my husband used to be an incredible lover,and I thought he loved me more than I loved him. But a few years ago something happened , and he cooled out. WE did go to many counseling,but he can't benefit from it.
So he didn't really looked like he was depressed, at least not based on the tests, but something is very wrong with him inside and it just can't surface.
yes ,I did try to save our marriage, and yes you are right, maybe I want to come out myself, I just don't have the guts
I think I love him, but I can't live in this atmosphere too long.. So I have to draw the line somewhere. As you mentioned this yourself,sometimes its just not working, and the price is huge... We have children and huge history, i wish if I could do something, but I can't suffer like this much longer. Do you have any more thought on this? Thanks again
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): Hi!
Have you told your husband what you have told us here? Does he know how you feel? You say that you feel miserable and weak - it seems that your hubby is feeling like that too! I think you both need to "come alive", as you put it. You both need to work on things. If you are waiting for him to come alive, what is our input on making that happen? Are you trying to make things better - is he?
".. he might fall in love with someone, who will wake his passion. And in that time I will be so weak and broken from all the waiting, that can't get on with my life."
Could this your be way of saying that you want out of this relationship and are looking for a way out? What if your hubby has the same thoughts about you? Do you know what is going on in his mind, does he know what is going on in yours? What are the biggest issues here? What do you want, what does he want? Do you talk about these things at all?
Do you want to save this marriage? And if yes, what are you willing to do in order to save it?
Don't forget that having a good life outside the marriage as well is essential. You need to have things you can enjoy without your man, things that are precious to you, things that give you energy. If there are major problems in the marriage, doing your own things and recharging yourself is crucial to you and therefor by extent, crucial to your relationship as well.
"I will love you forever and I am never going to leave you" is not a synonym for "I will always be the kind of person you want me to be, I will always be a great lover, I will never get depressed and lean on you, I will never disappoint you, I will never irritate you." Relationships are hard and they go through more than just slight alterations and that goes for the people in that relationship too. No-one can guarantee a happy ending. No-one can guarantee an endless love. And most of all, being with someone means being with them at all times; loving them through the crappy times too. Isn't that what "for better and for worse" stands for? Instead of thinking about how sad he makes you feel, why not try and do something about it? If he refuses to talk, you talk. If he doesn't give you affection, you give him affection. If he is neglecting you, I think you showing him your love and being open is a much better way to open up the communication - telling him he makes you feel worthless and so forth, and then shutting down, is not going to give you much result.
Now, if you feel that your marriage is beyond repair and there is nothing that can rectify the situation, then you have to consider the option of splitting up. BUT, only if every other option has been explored.
Don't give up if there's something worth saving - but if not, don't hang on to a sinking ship either. You both need to find a solution to this situation and you need to find it together, even if you end up going separate ways.
I suggest you talk to your hubby and take it from there.
Take care, I wish you strength and good luck, don't forget to love yourself as well as the people around you!
Loads of hugs
Lorelai
xxx
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