A
male
age
41-50,
*ulam
writes:There is a long history to this story, but I'll keep it as short as possible. If it's long, I'm sorry but this is really killing me. I have dated a girl for 15 years on and off...since 8th grade. We became very close and i knew she was the one i wanted to marry. For a lot of years she didn't necessarily treat me the way you are supposed to treat somebody you care about. She really did a lot of awful things to me and then she would start treating me good again. Basically she went back and forth with me and had me on a yo-yo. For example, she would want to spend quite a bit with me through the years and then just sort of lose interest and completely ignore me and act as if we weren't together, and then later she would miss me and want to go back to how things were. We broke up quite a bit through all this but still remained in contact. When we would break up though (or just stop talking), I always thought that was it and I moved on. I always loved her and always wanted her to be my first...but after a major break up i moved on and had taken the step to have sexual experiences. I always wanted her from day one and always wanted her to be the first to have those experiences with. Her and I had never had sex, and I assumed it was because she wanted to wait until marriage. Me, already having had those experiences was frustrated, but at the same time I understood and respected her and was willing to wait (which I did for 15 years). About a year ago, I had finally had enough of her treatment towards me. I finally "manned" up and cut the ties between her and I. I didn't tell her anything, I just stopped answering calls, texts, and e-mails. After about 6 months went by, i finally contacted her and we slowly started reuniting. One day after a particular tragic event, we ended up having sex for the first time. I realized and later found out that she had sex with a guy after 2 months of us not talking. And the guy ended up leaving her shortly after they had sex. She has changed towards me in major positive way, which is great! But because of how everything happened, how long I waited for that experience with her, and then for her to give that to somebody else so quickly...I'm having a lot of issues getting through the fact that she was with me for 15 years and I wasn't worth doing that with, to her giving her virginity to a guy after 2 months. I get that we weren't together, but it still hurts because I waited for that aspect of our relationship for so long and then she does that with another person so quickly that she wasn't even in love with. Her reasoning was that she fealt obligated to have sex with him because he was older (3 years only)and he wouldn't have understood if she didn't do those things. She also told me that she never even told him that she was a virgin out of embarrasment that she was 28 years old and still a had not had sex. I could have understood better if she would have been in love and thought he was the "one"...but that wasn't the case. From what i gathered from our conversations, she basically just wanted to get losing her virginty over with. When we first got back together I didn't care about this and somewhat understood. But over time as we get closer and closer emotionally and physically...it hurts more and more and it is seeming to get worse.Is this something you can get over or not? And if you can get over it...how? I know she feels bad about how she treated me in the past and regrets that she gave her virginty to him instead of me....but should I give her another chance after all that?
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male
reader, lulam +, writes (24 June 2010):
lulam is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst of all I apologize for not responding to you any of your responses...but I thank all of you for them. You all have good points. An update to this is that we are still together and I am still hurting, but have realized that I cannot continue to keep talking to her about what happened. She has expressed to me that she regrets what she did and that it hurts her even thinking about what she did with "him". On my end, it is getting a little better, but it still bothers me. I know I have taked her to death at this point...and can tell if I continue she will pull away. I did handle some things poorly through all this and I guess I sort of held it over her head and gave her guilt trip which was wrong of me.
To Myrrh, you are right that I didn't lose my virginity to her, but in defense I always wanted her before and over anybody else. But, because of how she treated me throughout the years would break up with me, I never dreamed that we would get back together so I had to move on. Even our first kiss after 5 years of dating (yes 5 years) was after she made out with some random guy an hour before and then realized that she only wanted to kiss me. I'm not saying that I am pefect, but those kind of things stick with you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): ..its up to you, if you give her a second chance, if u really love her, then accept all about her.. u said that she regreted what she do, the accept.. it is ur decision.. make sure that u will be happy to what decision u made.. godluck..
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A
female
reader, Myrrh  +, writes (29 May 2010):
 Hi. It sounds as if you've travelled a long hard road to get this far. You BOTH slept with other people during breaks. And you didnt lose your virginity with the "one" either. If shes really what you want, dont find fault. Put the past firmly behind you and get married already!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010): I think you should leave her.
Oh sure, I understand her reasons. Her situation. The effect of your first true breakup on her. What she must have been thinking at the time because of it, how she suddenly found herself alone in the adult dating world and didn't think you were coming back, etc.
But in the end all that understanding really doesn't matter, does it? In the end she still did a BIG thing that feels exactly like one more example of her low respect & bad treatment of you, doesn't it?
Well that's the emotion you're really stuck with. That's the emotion that will still be there. There are lots of mature adult intellectual rationalizations you can tell yourself for why you should just let it go and move on. But underneath this emotion will always be lurking. There are lots of guys who are still hurting over stuff like this 20 or 30 years later. Time usually does not heal this particular wound. I vote to spare yourself more grief and just leave the girl now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2010): This was alwways a bit problem with girls that they not have sex or waited a long time with the guy they truly care about and then did it quickly with another guy. I know that it must hurt a lot i've been there but I found out she's truly sorry she did that and if she want to make it up to me.
My wife did that and i just stopped having those feeling and forget about that situation because i know she's truly sorry and i m her love.
I know that it feels like stab in the back from your point of view. But look she waited also to not have sex with you trough this 15 years and wanted you to be her first and after you break it off( for good reason ) she felt volnurable and had no person to wait for and she did it with first guy she met to get it over with.
You need to talk about all this with her and how she feels and felt about it and what she thinks.
If she doesn't feel sorry and its not a big deal i wouldn't care about her anymore because you deserve someone that you that is able to return all those thing you're giving.
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