A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been friends with my current best friend for 5 years. We are completely inseparable, and have a pretty good relationship.She has had a crush on this guy for about 2 years and a year ago, they hooked up. They never turned into anything like a relationship or anything but she fell for him hard, but he said he didn't want a girlfriend. So she kind of had to get over him and accept the fact that she would never be with him. A few months ago, she started seeing someone else, but they broke up. Anyway, she has insecurities about me because whenever we are at parties, she gets mad when the guy she crushed on talks to me. Especially when she gets drunk, she becomes irrational and tells me how uncomfortable she is with this. I feel like I have to totally ignore him for her to be alright at a party, this is starting to get annoying because I'm not "allowed" to go a group of people and socialize if he is there, so I have to restrict myself. She tells me she hates him and doesn't want him in her life.Anyway, so recently he asked me out, for a month or two I continuously said no and told him it wasn't fair for her. But for some reason, I said yes one time. We went to the movies, it was strictly hanging out. But, then he asked me out again, to dinner. Again, I said yes. And this started to progress.. So now we hang out a lot. I haven't told her anything because I know it will hurt her and it will probably ruin our friendship. I don't know what to do, I'm really starting to like this guy and he makes me happy. On one hand, it's the unwritten rule where you're not supposed to go out with your best friends guy, but on the otherhand, they never had a relationship, they just fooled around, AND it's been a year since anything went on with them... Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): It sounds like she really hates this guy, so if she found out, yes you properly would lose her friendship. Truth told, it's about loyalty. She properly deep down still likes him, why else would she ignore him and tell you not to talk too him? It's up too you
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2008): This guy doesn't have feelings for your friend, he likes you and the feeling is mutual. He hasn't been with your friend for a long time now. For her to react like this is really immature. If me and a mate liked the same guy and he liked my mate, I would let them be together, as you can't force someone to like you. She doesn't sound like a very good friend to me, so I would say go for the relationship. If she wants nothing to do with you then it's her loss.
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A
female
reader, Blue_Angel0316 +, writes (19 November 2008):
 It's a hard dececision to make. I will say that is feels unfair to like someone and you can't see yourself going there because of a friendship. It's happened to me before. I can certainly feel for you. In the end my my friend and I are still friends and the guy and I are good friends also. He still talks so nice about me to others expressing how pretty he still thinks I am and still just as nice,the same sweet gal even after almost 17 years.
What you do now will affect you, your friend and the guy for the rest of your lives. If your friend can't deal with you being with this guy you are probably going to loose your best friend. If you don't take the chance to be with him, you could possibly loose him as even a friend. If you don't choose anything you will still be miserable. The choice I am afraid is in your hands.
If you do hook up with him, and if in time she learns to accept that, it will probably still make the relationship strained and somewhat distant. Something you must consider is that even if you have a b/f & g/f relationship with him it might not last and you would have lost your best friend in for nothing. You could wind up loosing him still as a friend.
She says she hates him and it's probably her way of trying to deny her feelings so she isn't so obvious to him or others. No matter what happens here, you are the one who controls the outcome. Hard as it is to hear, it's true. You must take time and think it over carefully.
You would think that your best friend would want you to be happy. I am sure she does...just as long as it isn't the guy she wants! I am not sure that I would want to dimiss a long time BEST FRIEND for anyone. However to some extint she is being selfish in that he isn't interested in her and they have had no committments. As they say "All is fair in love and war"...but she is thinking...Well you are my best friend and if you loved me and cared about me you wouldn't do this. I know this for a fact....my BEST FRIEND was like that although I never went there. I had the chance and I explained to him that my best friend liked him and that I couldn't date him because she would be hurt. I made it known that we could be friends and hang out together in public places. He was understanding and we left it at that. He never liked her that way and never asked her out. Now 17 years later we are still friends..and it all had a happy ending.
Choose from your heart hon for it is there you can fulfill your needs and their's. Choose with love and let your consience be your guide.
God bless.
Blue_Angel
^(**)^
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A
female
reader, Teacake +, writes (19 November 2008):
 YOu won't want to hear this but that rule applies all the time unless she really really had no feelings for him. She is very hurt that he rejected her and it would be very painful for her to see him with you and you have what she wanted.
If you value her friendship don't do this. Men do this ALL THE TIME and they need to learn about THE RULE !!! It is up to women to show men they can not be so fickle and go though women to their convenience. Men do this because women allow it.
You are both young and chances are very good he will drop you once he had you. This way you will teach him a few lessons he needs concerning manners, ethics and how to treat women with respect. Okay?
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808 +, writes (19 November 2008):
 Discuss it with the friend, because 5 years invested in a friendship will be wasted if you disrespect her over a guy. Good friends are hard to find, guys are not. Tell her he has been asking you out, and out of respect for her you have been turning him down, but you thought it might be fun to date this guy. Be sure to reassure her that he is not worth your friendship with her. In the mean time, maybe if she is feeling left out whe you are around, do some research with your guy friends, and maybe try to set up a date for her. She might appreciate it and who knows, you might know a guy that would really enjoy her company. She is your best friend, and you know her best!
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A
female
reader, SugarCookie +, writes (19 November 2008):
You need to decide if you want the guy or your friend. You wont be able to have both. Even though they didn't date they had sex and I'm sure that she had sex with him hoping that it would bring them together. IF she doesn't want you around him and she says she hates him it means she has feelings for him and it hurts to see him.
The choice is yours but it unfortunately is a one or the other choice.
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